It's that time.
So many times I've said those words and it's meant different things. It's been time to grow up, time to graduate, time to get a job, time to wake up....
Never before has time held more bittersweet meaning.
Now it's time that I say goodbye to my childhood and say hello to a white dress, diamonds and a handsome husband.
Outside I'm calm. I'm planning. I'm making sure flights are arranged and final details are sewn up.
Inside, I'M TERRIFIED.
And yet as fiercely as my heart fears, it also loves. It clings to him in church. It refuses to leave him even when he drives me crazy. It makes me want to be in his arms, wrapped inside this lifetime love.
I can't tell anyone my fears. It sounds like cold feet. I can't fully explain my terror at every thing. These last few days feel so huge. It's like the biggest decision and sometimes I feel like we've known each other forever and other times it's like - who are you?
Suddenly it's time to forge through my fears. Focus on the positive - not the negative. Just BREATHE. Don't latch onto fears of the imagined and unknown. Give him a break. Just DON'T LET IT GET TO YOU.
So much to do. So much I'm supposed to focus on and think about. So much I shouldn't let bother me and so many memories I'm supposed to savor forever.
And I just want to bury my head and my high expectations under a pillow and escape everything.
I don't have to wear a tiara, dance at a ball, and marry someone who will inherit a kingdom in order to be marrying well. SHUT UP DISNEY.
I wish, I wish, I wish..... nope. It's not the time to wish upon a star. Real life is HERE. And it has more details and more dimensions than I ever dreamed possible.
My heart aches with love and sorrow. Why don't we have more friends? Why aren't more people happy for us? Is there something wrong with us? Are we a handsome couple? What if I get tired of sex but I still have to do it? Will he be a good husband? Why didn't he learn all of this before he met me? Why is he so laid back? Can't he read my mind? Shouldn't he know what I want by now? What if his parents move upstairs from us? What if we go BANKRUPT? Why is my face breaking out? Why can't we stop arguing about the dumbest things? Where am I going to put all this trash?
Outside - cool, calm, collected. Inside - manually learning how to pump oxygen through my blood.
It's terrifying to be inside the mind of a woman. ESPECIALLY A BRIDE.
I just want to throw everything in my house away and start from scratch. That would horrify him - he hates waste. I LOVE WASTE. I want to waste things every day. Best feeling EVER. Done with it? Pitch it. Ahhhhh.
All that said.... I am so blessed. Does he realize what he is getting himself into? How did I get so lucky landing a guy that is SO patient? God knows best and He's the only reason we're together. Also, I think he has a cute smile and I love pinching him in church. And I like taking walks with him and trying new things with him.
Love him. Can't live without him. Won't have to :)
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Sunday, April 20, 2014
A wife like mother....
I see her dutifully cleaning the kitchen. As a little girl this is how I learn the color yellow. I see it and smell it in the air - lemon-scented cleaner. The sun streams in and she tells me to be careful not to come into the kitchen. "The floor's slippery," she cautions as she backtracks to the living room in a man's pair of socks. Through small eyes I see her exhaustion. I watch her appease a man - dinner's ready when he comes home. I see the way she pauses, waiting until the right time to bring things up.
It doesn't take much to learn that it's not just her in the house. She's first so many things to other people before she is an individual.
Who am I seeing? A wife. She doesn't have a name. She just is what I picture a wife to be. When I think of her before marriage, I see a different woman. Carefree. Summer evenings. Dreams. A future so big it can't be contained by the navy blue night sky. The man begs for her to spend her life with him. He dotes on her. She holds the power to say yes or no. It's just her in this world.
What causes the magical shift between a marriage ceremony and an average day as a married woman in a duplex? In romance novels the story ends when they say "I do". The chase is over. The decision is made. Her future is decided. No surprises here. And it's scary to think that's me soon.
Our culture is in love with falling in love. When you fall out of love a sequel is born and you journey towards love with a new person. But that's not what I believe about marriage. That's not what God commands in marriage.
I fear so many things. But mostly I fear being one woman to one man forever. I fear in the way that you are about to do something terrifying and awesome all at once. I don't want to get caught up in excitement of the wedding day. I don't want the story to end at "I do". I can't live solely for that short walk down a white aisle. What about the rest of our lives? What about the hard work we will need to fall in love with each other over and over again? It's not just one story. It's a dozen struggles and chapters and sequels. It's a lifetime spent with one man, pouring ourselves out over the One book in prayer for God's help for two imperfect people.
God, our hearts are in the right place. But what if we're doing it all wrong? I don't know what I'm doing. I cry out for peace. I see two paths. One is easier - independent - single - but I would miss him so much. I forget what life is without him. The other is a life of service - of dying to self - of loving someone more than myself. Is there really a choice?
Fourteen years ago I bought an Easter card for my first boyfriend. It reads "our love is sweet....longer lasting, too". Ironically our "love" dissolved before Easter Sunday. For some reason I saved the card thinking I would give it to the man that I would be with FOREVER. But every year something would go wrong before Easter Sunday. I'd sit in my room and stuff that card back into the hallmark bag and it would shift to the back of my desk until the next boyfriend.
Now fourteen years later I hold that card in my hands deciding whether to finally give it away. It's yellow, like the lemon-scented cleaner and like the color at my wedding. It's bright - like the future. It's also a step of faith. My signature and his name will only mean I will have to trust God every step of the way. I can't do this alone.
It's a love story that is so unparalleled by the love God showed in dying for me on this day. His love is so much greater - and I don't even begin to deserve it. This Easter Sunday is not about my love life. It's not about us. Our wedding day isn't even about us. It's about God. What He has done. It's a choice to trust Him and to trust me less. Not I, but Christ.
It doesn't take much to learn that it's not just her in the house. She's first so many things to other people before she is an individual.
Who am I seeing? A wife. She doesn't have a name. She just is what I picture a wife to be. When I think of her before marriage, I see a different woman. Carefree. Summer evenings. Dreams. A future so big it can't be contained by the navy blue night sky. The man begs for her to spend her life with him. He dotes on her. She holds the power to say yes or no. It's just her in this world.
What causes the magical shift between a marriage ceremony and an average day as a married woman in a duplex? In romance novels the story ends when they say "I do". The chase is over. The decision is made. Her future is decided. No surprises here. And it's scary to think that's me soon.
Our culture is in love with falling in love. When you fall out of love a sequel is born and you journey towards love with a new person. But that's not what I believe about marriage. That's not what God commands in marriage.
I fear so many things. But mostly I fear being one woman to one man forever. I fear in the way that you are about to do something terrifying and awesome all at once. I don't want to get caught up in excitement of the wedding day. I don't want the story to end at "I do". I can't live solely for that short walk down a white aisle. What about the rest of our lives? What about the hard work we will need to fall in love with each other over and over again? It's not just one story. It's a dozen struggles and chapters and sequels. It's a lifetime spent with one man, pouring ourselves out over the One book in prayer for God's help for two imperfect people.
God, our hearts are in the right place. But what if we're doing it all wrong? I don't know what I'm doing. I cry out for peace. I see two paths. One is easier - independent - single - but I would miss him so much. I forget what life is without him. The other is a life of service - of dying to self - of loving someone more than myself. Is there really a choice?
Fourteen years ago I bought an Easter card for my first boyfriend. It reads "our love is sweet....longer lasting, too". Ironically our "love" dissolved before Easter Sunday. For some reason I saved the card thinking I would give it to the man that I would be with FOREVER. But every year something would go wrong before Easter Sunday. I'd sit in my room and stuff that card back into the hallmark bag and it would shift to the back of my desk until the next boyfriend.
Now fourteen years later I hold that card in my hands deciding whether to finally give it away. It's yellow, like the lemon-scented cleaner and like the color at my wedding. It's bright - like the future. It's also a step of faith. My signature and his name will only mean I will have to trust God every step of the way. I can't do this alone.
It's a love story that is so unparalleled by the love God showed in dying for me on this day. His love is so much greater - and I don't even begin to deserve it. This Easter Sunday is not about my love life. It's not about us. Our wedding day isn't even about us. It's about God. What He has done. It's a choice to trust Him and to trust me less. Not I, but Christ.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Stubborn Love
How is it that we could go from passionate arguing to pure love and understanding to passionate kissing in the matter of an hour?
And yet, until that argument is resolved, it's like the equator has split and the whole world is opposing itself.
Every time we argue, my view of him is so clouded. I think - o crap, what are we thinking spending the rest of our lives together?
And then, stubborn as he and I both are, he rises above my voice and calms me and explains his world to me.
The clouds clear and the sun bursts out.
We see each other like brand new and can barely leave each other.
We're both stubborn but we're stubborn in fighting and in love.
He tells me I'm beautiful. And I just don't understand.
What does he see?
I'm learning I have to trust him to God.
Yeah we have pasts.
Yeah he has shortcomings, but I have mine, too.
I have no self righteous leg up.
We're on equal footing and loved equally by God.
I have to stop worrying and just entrust him to God.
We sat tonight looking out over the mountains after a nice walk with a decaf coffee. I love him. I barely know what life is like without him. When did life get like this? I'm so thankful it did.
How did I become that girl. The one with a boyfriend and then fiancé and then wedding plans? When did I get diamonds on my left hand? How am I the one with bridal showers and dress fittings? Is it really me wearing that white in the mirror?
A symbol stands before me - the type that stands on a wedding cake with a plastic man in a tux. I barely recognize her, but I love it. The stereotype I thought I would despise washes away. In its place is a love for him and an excitement for this new life. It's a new era. It feels like hello and goodbye all at once. I didn't know it could be so beautiful. I didn't know someone could think I'm so beautiful....
And yet, until that argument is resolved, it's like the equator has split and the whole world is opposing itself.
Every time we argue, my view of him is so clouded. I think - o crap, what are we thinking spending the rest of our lives together?
And then, stubborn as he and I both are, he rises above my voice and calms me and explains his world to me.
The clouds clear and the sun bursts out.
We see each other like brand new and can barely leave each other.
We're both stubborn but we're stubborn in fighting and in love.
He tells me I'm beautiful. And I just don't understand.
What does he see?
I'm learning I have to trust him to God.
Yeah we have pasts.
Yeah he has shortcomings, but I have mine, too.
I have no self righteous leg up.
We're on equal footing and loved equally by God.
I have to stop worrying and just entrust him to God.
We sat tonight looking out over the mountains after a nice walk with a decaf coffee. I love him. I barely know what life is like without him. When did life get like this? I'm so thankful it did.
How did I become that girl. The one with a boyfriend and then fiancé and then wedding plans? When did I get diamonds on my left hand? How am I the one with bridal showers and dress fittings? Is it really me wearing that white in the mirror?
A symbol stands before me - the type that stands on a wedding cake with a plastic man in a tux. I barely recognize her, but I love it. The stereotype I thought I would despise washes away. In its place is a love for him and an excitement for this new life. It's a new era. It feels like hello and goodbye all at once. I didn't know it could be so beautiful. I didn't know someone could think I'm so beautiful....
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Grace in the hard times
God's grace.
Each year for the past few years I've asked God to teach me a different characteristic. The past few years God has faithfully laid on my heart a different characteristic of God to claim as my own instead of a New Years resolution. In the past I chose patience and God gave me the best year sitting out of school even though I was anxious to be getting on with my life. One year I chose Trust and God helped me trust Him through great grief and loss. Last year I chose selfless love and God helped me look beyond loving myself to meet and get engaged to Andrew. This year I've claimed "God's grace."
When I chose God's grace, I knew I would probably need it to transition to married life. I also knew I would need it for the times when my fiancé just drives me crazy! I wanted to rely on HIM, not me. Because I can't love and forgive Andrew enough in my own power. What I did not picture was that God would overwhelm me with HIS grace. Here I thought I would be the extremely capable, confident one and that I would need God's grace to be kind to Andrew's flaws. Instead, God has shown me how kind He and Andrew are to my flaws. He's revealed how selfish I am - how conceited and self reliant I am. He has brought me low and He has lifted me up. He allowed me to face incredible failure and defeat at work - a job that was supposed to be a huge break right out of college. Real life.
And when I came home broken from real life - a shell of what I would have accepted into my home - He allowed Andrew to wrap me up in his arms. He sacrificed. Stayed late. Listened.
And now - after much crying out to God - I find myself doing better most days at work. When I have a low at work it's easy to come home and stay low - causing my apartment to look like a mess and making me utterly dependent on Andrew. When I have a high at work I usually stay on that mental high when I come home - meaning I stay in my mental pantsuit and I analyze Andrew's workflow like my boss would scrutinize mine.
I came to this blog tonight to share how frustrated I am because I feel like I have to be the leader when I am strong. I think Andrew just senses when I am in "go" mode and he sits back and lets me do the talking. It frustrates me because we are making these huge decisions and he is SO likely to go with the easiest choice. He feels he is being "optimistic" by picking the first choice and not saying anything negative or being skeptical/asking questions. I feel like it's foolish not to. Why? Better to ask questions and do a couple weeks more of hard work than to have buyers remorse the minute you decide. Better to be cautious. Better to be "pessimistic" now and not later. He tends to jump into things optimistically- and then I have to hear him complain pessimistically later about how much the outcome hurt him. I just want to say - I feel bad for you, but you did it to yourself! And yet he does these things over and over - he seems to need to learn from his own mistakes, but then he doesn't learn that he's making the same fundamental mistake in every decision he makes. Here's his fundamental mistake in decision making: He repeatedly makes quick, easy, rash decisions - and complains and seems helpless when he gets sloppy, hard, unexpected results. He is gullible and swallows any sales pitch he hears. It's like he needs to keep doing this over and over. If he buys a bad product, he says oh well it was the PRODUCT'S fault - a poor product. No, the problem is with the person who chose to buy it. Examples? Oh sure, I can think of a few.
-I say "Babe, do you think we shouldn't buy the car if it has a dead battery?" He says, "Andrea, your dad doesn't know EVERYTHING. I have never heard of a case where a dead battery could indicate an alternator or more serious issue. We need a car now and I don't think we're going to find a better car." Yeah, he agreed with me eventually and he's thankful now - but it just made me doubt his discretion and ability to lead in tough decisions. It put SO much pressure on me to lead in that huge decision.
-We've just been shown an apartment and the lady says, "Now. I'm ready for your questions about the apartment." Andrew says, "I don't have any." HOW DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PLACE YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE IN FOR THE NEXT YEAR PLUS. Try at least looking up articles on apartment questions like I did! Does he not realize that this puts the burden SQUARELY on me? He eventually came up with some questions after I asked the key ones. I think he knows deep down that I don't want to settle for less than the best, so he just sits back and makes me lead. I try to pause. I try to look to him to let him lead. But he just is blank-faced/blank-minded. He was literally only concerned about the shower. I know he was kind of teasing, but it just made him look dumb. I tried to cover for him and make it clear that he was joking. But he kind of was and kind of wasn't.
-He says, "Babe, I think we NEED these $6-700 pots!" He convinces me to buy these pots we can't afford after I expressly told him I needed him to be strong for me and not let me buy pots when we went to an engagement "cooking show".
-He says, "Babe, why are you only buying the $10 xbox live access. Just go ahead about buy the year-long $60 subscription. It's only $60." No. It's not just $60. It's $60 I don't need to spend. And the $10 purchase didn't even get me the access I needed - money wasted! I didn't know if I would WANT/USE the $60 so I was cautious about it.
I say all that to say that I am FRUSTRATED with him. I needed space from him tonight. I had little to no patience with him when we discussed the apartment afterwards because I could tell he was sold on the place before we had even discussed it - typical of him to jump into something without even coming prepared with questions or sufficient research.
I'm just tired....so tired of holding him back and so tired from leading him. I not only need God's grace - I need to somehow show Andrew the grace God allowed him to show me when I had shortcomings. I was pretty low and Andrew supported me. He led me. Maybe I need to be helpless again. What he needs to know is that I DO need him. The only reason why I seem so "capable" and in charge and self-sufficient is because I don't think HE'S going to step up and do it for me. And the only reason why I'm a pessimist with purchases and big decisions is because I'd rather make a WISE purchase/decision.
I know my place is not to lead. So everything's all out of whack. Because I lead, he follows. And because he follows, I find myself frustrated and writing this blog. He thinks he has to follow me to make me happy. He thinks I think I'm always right. The fact is - I KNOW I'm not always right. I DON'T want to lead. But I need him to put the effort in to telling me WHY I'm not right. I need him to step up and lead, even if I seem capable. And I need to be more graceful to him. I need to remember exactly how I felt when I was giving 110% at work and it just wasn't enough. It SUCKS. My heart goes out to him. But I don't know what to do. I truly don't want to believe it is "his permanent personality". Cuz if it is - I don't know if I can live with that. Unless of course I have God's grace.....
Each year for the past few years I've asked God to teach me a different characteristic. The past few years God has faithfully laid on my heart a different characteristic of God to claim as my own instead of a New Years resolution. In the past I chose patience and God gave me the best year sitting out of school even though I was anxious to be getting on with my life. One year I chose Trust and God helped me trust Him through great grief and loss. Last year I chose selfless love and God helped me look beyond loving myself to meet and get engaged to Andrew. This year I've claimed "God's grace."
When I chose God's grace, I knew I would probably need it to transition to married life. I also knew I would need it for the times when my fiancé just drives me crazy! I wanted to rely on HIM, not me. Because I can't love and forgive Andrew enough in my own power. What I did not picture was that God would overwhelm me with HIS grace. Here I thought I would be the extremely capable, confident one and that I would need God's grace to be kind to Andrew's flaws. Instead, God has shown me how kind He and Andrew are to my flaws. He's revealed how selfish I am - how conceited and self reliant I am. He has brought me low and He has lifted me up. He allowed me to face incredible failure and defeat at work - a job that was supposed to be a huge break right out of college. Real life.
And when I came home broken from real life - a shell of what I would have accepted into my home - He allowed Andrew to wrap me up in his arms. He sacrificed. Stayed late. Listened.
And now - after much crying out to God - I find myself doing better most days at work. When I have a low at work it's easy to come home and stay low - causing my apartment to look like a mess and making me utterly dependent on Andrew. When I have a high at work I usually stay on that mental high when I come home - meaning I stay in my mental pantsuit and I analyze Andrew's workflow like my boss would scrutinize mine.
I came to this blog tonight to share how frustrated I am because I feel like I have to be the leader when I am strong. I think Andrew just senses when I am in "go" mode and he sits back and lets me do the talking. It frustrates me because we are making these huge decisions and he is SO likely to go with the easiest choice. He feels he is being "optimistic" by picking the first choice and not saying anything negative or being skeptical/asking questions. I feel like it's foolish not to. Why? Better to ask questions and do a couple weeks more of hard work than to have buyers remorse the minute you decide. Better to be cautious. Better to be "pessimistic" now and not later. He tends to jump into things optimistically- and then I have to hear him complain pessimistically later about how much the outcome hurt him. I just want to say - I feel bad for you, but you did it to yourself! And yet he does these things over and over - he seems to need to learn from his own mistakes, but then he doesn't learn that he's making the same fundamental mistake in every decision he makes. Here's his fundamental mistake in decision making: He repeatedly makes quick, easy, rash decisions - and complains and seems helpless when he gets sloppy, hard, unexpected results. He is gullible and swallows any sales pitch he hears. It's like he needs to keep doing this over and over. If he buys a bad product, he says oh well it was the PRODUCT'S fault - a poor product. No, the problem is with the person who chose to buy it. Examples? Oh sure, I can think of a few.
-I say "Babe, do you think we shouldn't buy the car if it has a dead battery?" He says, "Andrea, your dad doesn't know EVERYTHING. I have never heard of a case where a dead battery could indicate an alternator or more serious issue. We need a car now and I don't think we're going to find a better car." Yeah, he agreed with me eventually and he's thankful now - but it just made me doubt his discretion and ability to lead in tough decisions. It put SO much pressure on me to lead in that huge decision.
-We've just been shown an apartment and the lady says, "Now. I'm ready for your questions about the apartment." Andrew says, "I don't have any." HOW DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PLACE YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE IN FOR THE NEXT YEAR PLUS. Try at least looking up articles on apartment questions like I did! Does he not realize that this puts the burden SQUARELY on me? He eventually came up with some questions after I asked the key ones. I think he knows deep down that I don't want to settle for less than the best, so he just sits back and makes me lead. I try to pause. I try to look to him to let him lead. But he just is blank-faced/blank-minded. He was literally only concerned about the shower. I know he was kind of teasing, but it just made him look dumb. I tried to cover for him and make it clear that he was joking. But he kind of was and kind of wasn't.
-He says, "Babe, I think we NEED these $6-700 pots!" He convinces me to buy these pots we can't afford after I expressly told him I needed him to be strong for me and not let me buy pots when we went to an engagement "cooking show".
-He says, "Babe, why are you only buying the $10 xbox live access. Just go ahead about buy the year-long $60 subscription. It's only $60." No. It's not just $60. It's $60 I don't need to spend. And the $10 purchase didn't even get me the access I needed - money wasted! I didn't know if I would WANT/USE the $60 so I was cautious about it.
I say all that to say that I am FRUSTRATED with him. I needed space from him tonight. I had little to no patience with him when we discussed the apartment afterwards because I could tell he was sold on the place before we had even discussed it - typical of him to jump into something without even coming prepared with questions or sufficient research.
I'm just tired....so tired of holding him back and so tired from leading him. I not only need God's grace - I need to somehow show Andrew the grace God allowed him to show me when I had shortcomings. I was pretty low and Andrew supported me. He led me. Maybe I need to be helpless again. What he needs to know is that I DO need him. The only reason why I seem so "capable" and in charge and self-sufficient is because I don't think HE'S going to step up and do it for me. And the only reason why I'm a pessimist with purchases and big decisions is because I'd rather make a WISE purchase/decision.
I know my place is not to lead. So everything's all out of whack. Because I lead, he follows. And because he follows, I find myself frustrated and writing this blog. He thinks he has to follow me to make me happy. He thinks I think I'm always right. The fact is - I KNOW I'm not always right. I DON'T want to lead. But I need him to put the effort in to telling me WHY I'm not right. I need him to step up and lead, even if I seem capable. And I need to be more graceful to him. I need to remember exactly how I felt when I was giving 110% at work and it just wasn't enough. It SUCKS. My heart goes out to him. But I don't know what to do. I truly don't want to believe it is "his permanent personality". Cuz if it is - I don't know if I can live with that. Unless of course I have God's grace.....
Saturday, February 22, 2014
No special time like the present
What I love about Andrew is that he doesn't need a special occasion to make me feel special. No, he's not perfect. Yes, he messes up. But he doesn't wait for an anniversary to tell me I'm beautiful. He doesn't need me to get out of my PJ's to be attracted to me. He's seen me in my ups and downs and highs and lows and his love for me is always the same.
Love is easy. And then it's hard work. And he sticks around for both. Most importantly, he doesn't expect my love to be limited to him. He understands that true love mimics the love of Christ. Who better to show us how to love? God's love in me is so strong - I just want to burst. It only makes me love Andrew more - even when he lets me down. My love for Andrew is pure. Whole. Fulfilled. Happy.
Love is easy. And then it's hard work. And he sticks around for both. Most importantly, he doesn't expect my love to be limited to him. He understands that true love mimics the love of Christ. Who better to show us how to love? God's love in me is so strong - I just want to burst. It only makes me love Andrew more - even when he lets me down. My love for Andrew is pure. Whole. Fulfilled. Happy.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Love in a crowd
Crowds remind me how terrifying it is to be alone.
And how wonderful it is to not be alone.
In that sea of people, I look up at him and am so thankful.
I am terrified to be lost in a crowd.
But if I'm lost with him, it's okay.
Hand-in-hand, anything could happen to us,
We could go anywhere,
As long as we don't lose each other, it's okay.
I'm realizing more and more that other people will come and go.
But he is my forever.
Parents age....move away.
Sisters have children - sooo many children.
Brothers get consumed with their career - their set schedule.
Friends find it's no longer convenient to hang out.
Jobs change. Churches change. You graduate.
Now it's just him and me and God.
We make a good team.
So many goofy moments.
And yet we SERIOUSLY love.
We give up ourselves.
We fight to resolve - not to win.
We pray together.
We fail together.
We problem-solve together.
He looks into a crowd, and he finds ME.
I look across a room, and I meet HIS blue eyes.
Didn't mean to block out the whole world.
Didn't mean to get lost in the crowd
Where those that were familiar become strangers
Didn't mean to stop caring what others thought.
I just want to lie down in his arms.
Close my eyes.
Whisper.
Tease.
Defy.
Tap his nose.
Be thoroughly kissed.
Stay there warm, secure, forever.
This whole world crowds around us,
But as he grabs my hand and leads me through my fears,
I know now that the most important thing
in the world to me
is my best friend.
And how wonderful it is to not be alone.
In that sea of people, I look up at him and am so thankful.
I am terrified to be lost in a crowd.
But if I'm lost with him, it's okay.
Hand-in-hand, anything could happen to us,
We could go anywhere,
As long as we don't lose each other, it's okay.
I'm realizing more and more that other people will come and go.
But he is my forever.
Parents age....move away.
Sisters have children - sooo many children.
Brothers get consumed with their career - their set schedule.
Friends find it's no longer convenient to hang out.
Jobs change. Churches change. You graduate.
Now it's just him and me and God.
We make a good team.
So many goofy moments.
And yet we SERIOUSLY love.
We give up ourselves.
We fight to resolve - not to win.
We pray together.
We fail together.
We problem-solve together.
He looks into a crowd, and he finds ME.
I look across a room, and I meet HIS blue eyes.
Didn't mean to block out the whole world.
Didn't mean to get lost in the crowd
Where those that were familiar become strangers
Didn't mean to stop caring what others thought.
I just want to lie down in his arms.
Close my eyes.
Whisper.
Tease.
Defy.
Tap his nose.
Be thoroughly kissed.
Stay there warm, secure, forever.
This whole world crowds around us,
But as he grabs my hand and leads me through my fears,
I know now that the most important thing
in the world to me
is my best friend.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
The Age Disease
"I don't want to get older." I said this to my mom when I was four. Every year, the sentiment has remained the same. I like the year I am now. I don't want to be 5.
Isn't that how everyone feels? You cling through survival mode in your teenage years because you picture this state of perfection in your 20s. And then you hit twenty and your face clears up but the rest of you starts slowly decaying. So when did the perfection happen? Oh....wait.....it didn't.
It's disturbing to think we've all caught this disease called age.
I'm not even old. I'm actually pretty stinking young. And yet I've had a few selfish moments lately, wanting to tune out the idea of bodies breaking down....needing fixing....having arthritis in your 20s.
It's not the end. But it sure feels like the beginning of the end. It feels like this long road toward recovery. It feels like the kind of thing where a doctor will come to you later saying, "Oops. Looks like there's a complication."
I know he will do his best. I know it's out of our control. I just......you know how my sister really struggled with finding out she would have a daughter with down syndrome? It's because she never ever pictured having a daughter with disabilities. She was SO type A. How could anyone "slow" her down?
Shallowly, that's how I feel about marrying someone with a diagnosis that is the leading cause of disability in the USA. I don't love him any less. But I know he can't guarantee anything to me. He can't guarantee a successful treatment or a quick recovery. He can't guarantee there will still be a job waiting for him. He can't guarantee anything.
But even without this diagnosis, how much can either of us guarantee each other anyway? God is in control, not us. He knows. He allowed. He will carry.
This is ridiculous of course because other people have managed with the disease just fine. So I'm overreacting.
That's all we can hope for. God is not surprised by this diagnosis or this "age disease". Thankfully, this life is not our home.
Tomorrow's a new day.
Isn't that how everyone feels? You cling through survival mode in your teenage years because you picture this state of perfection in your 20s. And then you hit twenty and your face clears up but the rest of you starts slowly decaying. So when did the perfection happen? Oh....wait.....it didn't.
It's disturbing to think we've all caught this disease called age.
I'm not even old. I'm actually pretty stinking young. And yet I've had a few selfish moments lately, wanting to tune out the idea of bodies breaking down....needing fixing....having arthritis in your 20s.
It's not the end. But it sure feels like the beginning of the end. It feels like this long road toward recovery. It feels like the kind of thing where a doctor will come to you later saying, "Oops. Looks like there's a complication."
I know he will do his best. I know it's out of our control. I just......you know how my sister really struggled with finding out she would have a daughter with down syndrome? It's because she never ever pictured having a daughter with disabilities. She was SO type A. How could anyone "slow" her down?
Shallowly, that's how I feel about marrying someone with a diagnosis that is the leading cause of disability in the USA. I don't love him any less. But I know he can't guarantee anything to me. He can't guarantee a successful treatment or a quick recovery. He can't guarantee there will still be a job waiting for him. He can't guarantee anything.
But even without this diagnosis, how much can either of us guarantee each other anyway? God is in control, not us. He knows. He allowed. He will carry.
This is ridiculous of course because other people have managed with the disease just fine. So I'm overreacting.
That's all we can hope for. God is not surprised by this diagnosis or this "age disease". Thankfully, this life is not our home.
Tomorrow's a new day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)