Before and After Love

I look at pictures of myself when I was single and I remember. I remember what it was like to feel like making the most of every night on the town because it might be the opportunity where I would meet him. And if I didn't meet him, oh well, I was making a ton of friends who were in the same boat. I also remember being happy "just as I was" and not "needing" a man. Still, a huge part of me was always searching. I felt like I was missing something...or someone. And yet, there was something beautiful in that hopefulness, that peace in trusting God's plan, that wild adventure because I had nothing to lose. Being single was just what I needed.

It was a beautiful phase. But I am so thankful it is a phase that is now in my past.

I can't believe I've already been dating Andrew for six months. He has made that time fly. We have become one of the sappiest couple clichés that I always swore I would never become. It's great.

And I can't help but see a different person when I look at pictures of the before and after "me": before and after I started dating Andrew.

Before

 

                                                                          After

Single, I was free to love whomever, but dating, I can love and be loved.
Single, I could have alone time whenever I pleased, but dating, I never have to feel like I'm alone.
Single, I was everywhere for everyone, but dating, I am content to be everything to one.

He adds a new depth to my life. A new perspective. A sense of belonging and wholeness.
Whole is the perfect word for it. With him, I feel whole. He mentioned the same thing about me tonight and it got me thinking about how different I am since he has come into my life. It's more like he shook my life upside down. And then flooded it. And let it dry up. And then burned it all.

My life, my person has changed so much because of his life, his person. I marvel at how crazy perfect man is for woman, how natural the bodies fit together, how his needs complement hers, how attraction works between the sexes, and how sacrifice is almost nothing when you love someone.

So for 22 years I lived not quite whole. I had a great life. I did a lot. But it feels like I was just born six months ago and I have just begun experiencing life. In giving up a little of myself, I gained my other half. I went from living in part to gaining a whole. In sacrificing my desires, I gained his desires. And the more I've given up myself for God's version of love (1 Cor. 13), the more I've learned and received selfless love.

Selfless love. That really has been my theme for the year. And God really has been teaching me, beyond what I ever imagined when I asked him to help me learn it back in January. It's amazing how he answered my prayer before I even knew to ask it. Amazing how God loved me forever before I knew what forever love was.

After our last disagreement, I truly don't feel any barriers anymore. I could spend forever with one man.

And then he says I'm sorry....

There I was - the emotional ice queen. So stressed from the first week back at classes and unable to fully process my need for space from him. So boiled up from months of holding small things in.

And then he says I'm sorry like no other guy in the world knows how. And it was actually super sexy to see him owning up to stuff  and calling his own actions stupid. It's not like I'm always right - I know that; he knows that. But there is something downright sexy about a guy looking at you and saying, "I know what you're trying to say. And I thought about it. And you're right. There are some thoughtless things I'm going to try to change because I see your perspective and I want to prove to you that you are the only woman that I want."

Bam. Everything I wanted to hear - and then some. And I'm not going to be an old bitter woman, clawing at the injustices of the past. I'm going to take him at his word and forgive him and move on. Because that's what you do in a relationship. You forgive. And that's no charity act on my part. There are plenty of times when he has had to forgive my thoughtlessness and he often does it without a thought. So I know it's a two-way street. And sides, God forgave me a whole crapload of horribleness, so it's only right.

The long conversations, 6-month anniversary card/book, beautiful jewelry and nice dinner with a fudgy dessert were also a nice touch. But I didn't expect them. What I needed to hear was that he gets it, he's going to act like he wants only me, and that he loves me for me.

Then as we ate cheesy-bacon fries tonight, he said, "We can get fat together, babe." And I felt pretty sure that we were going to make it.

Neverland

I'm pretty hard on my boyfriend for wanting to stay in college Neverland, where he never has to grow up. But I was thinking about it tonight, and I guess I have my Neverland moments, too. There's something about macaroni and cheese and a good cartoon that reminds me of the days I would stay home "sick" with my mom.  There's something soothing about listening to old Adventures in Odyssey episodes and remembering the many trips we made as a family while listening to them. I used to listen to those over and over - it was an escape for me. I still love escaping to a good cup of coffee - it takes me back to the times I longed to drink coffee with my sisters and mom when I was too young for coffee.

I'm still not ready to talk to him, though. I don't know - I'm tired of apologizing for things that bother me. I'm tired of trying to come back from feeling like such a monster. I'm stressed and I just seek escape from thinking right now. I wish I could stay in Neverland.

On Break

Sometimes you need a break. In my case, I need a break from hearing the following things for the last eight months.

"I wonder if she's going to let me hug her." Why do you care? It doesn't mean my sister likes you any less if she shakes your hand. Why does that matter to you?

"I'm sure she wouldn't even give me her number." Why do you care? I gave you my number.

"What's wrong? I just like a lot of pictures of other girls on Facebook and Instagram. Is that a problem?" Yes. It's a problem. It makes me feel like crap.

"Maybe I could go with you to meet the girl you're giving your book to." Do you not realize how weird that is for me?

"I friended your friend on Facebook that I met by walking behind you while you were Skyping her." Thank goodness she wasn't wierded out by that. I would have been!

"You don't mind if I bring along this old friend of mine who Matt likes but really likes me, do you?" You know why they like you more than Matt? Because you act so stupid around Matt they can't possibly take you seriously. Matt's too serious. They're not interested in either of you, but it's easier to hang out with you because they know it's going nowhere. It's not because you're a better guy than Matt or better looking.

"Hey, come meet these two high school girls who are coming to campus to check out the school. I knew one of their sisters. We're hanging out all afternoon, wanna join? It was weird, they asked me if you were okay with it. You don't mind, do you?" I don't want to mind. I don't even want to know. But when a girl asks you if your girlfriend is okay with something, guess what she's really trying to say? She's saying, "Hey, you're dating. Shouldn't you not want to hang out with other girls? Wouldn't this make your girlfriend feel bad? I'm a normal girl who doesn't want  to feel like she's intruding on a guy's relationship and you are crossing a normal relationship line."

"I text girls regularly to see how they're doing and to keep up our friendship. I can't help it that I'm their shoulder to cry on. It doesn't mean anything. But for you....I'll stop." Don't do it for me. How about doing it for yourself - because you want to be in a relationship with one woman.

"I hear what you're saying, but my mom talked with her platonic guy-friends for hours on the phone even after she was married. It would be no big deal for me to do that, too." No big deal for who? Because I love how you're already okay with having hours in the day to talk to your girlfriends after you marry me. It's not like I'm not a big talker. Really gets me excited about committing forever to you. 
I need a break from not being enough.

I need a break from letting a man make me feel insecure and making me feel like I'm an overly jealous girlfriend for having a problem with him talking like he just wants other women to like him/befriend him/want him all the time. It's not my job to make him feel less insecure about how women view him. In the meantime, he makes me feel insecure - am I not enough woman?

I need a break from loving the responsible, caring guy off-campus who turns into an excited freshman who is just the funny guy on campus who wants everyone's attention. It's like being in a relationship with someone who is bi-polar. It's time to grow up everywhere - not just when you're out of your comfort zone and meeting my family. It's time to leave that school you've clung to for years behind, spread your wings, and get a new, responsible identity. Be a man.

I need a break from cringing every time I introduce him to another girl, because I realize he would probably want to get to know her or wish she would be willing to get to know him. I should fully expect him to friend her and message her after meeting her once. The worst part is? If she's a normal girl, she is wierded out by guys like this or she thinks he's coming on to her and she feels bad for me.

It's like I've just tried to ignore these things. Over. and Over. and Over. It's actually something I picked up on when he first asked me to date him and it's why I said no to dating him. And suddenly it's a pattern that I can't look beyond because he hasn't changed. He's tried to limit what he does with girls. But he still wants other women. And it's pretty obvious to me now.

Okay. Single guy? This pattern is okay. Dating-almost-engaged guy? This pattern is so not okay. It's like he wants me on his arm and he wants a whole bunch of other girls on his arm, too. I want a break from it.

Weirdly enough, I didn't miss him today. Good thing? Bad thing? More permanent thing? I don't know.

Single habits die hard

Alyssa watches him lead the way into the school building and she loves him. She wishes she was holding his hand as they walk through those old familiar school halls. They walk together, on the verge of marriage, on the verge of forever. She feels safe there. And then he asks her, "So, that girl you met selling your book - did she look nice?"

Huh? You're dating me. Why would you care how a random girl looks?

He back tracks a little. "I mean, does she look like a nice person? After all, I noticed her name on my class roster and I'm going to be in lab with her. Who knows, I could be lab partners with her."

Again, huh? Why have you already memorized her name from a class roster and you are looking forward to meeting her? Why have you already thought through the scenario that you could be lab partners and you want her to be friendly?

Alyssa struggles with her boyfriend sometimes. She can't control her boyfriend - doesn't want to. She loves who he is - all on his own. He's agreed not to have close girlfriends in addition to her, since it bothers her. And she so appreciated that he was willing to do that. But - she can't make him want to be a one-woman kind of guy. Sure, he wants Alyssa. He wants her in pictures with him. He wants sex. He wants to have her. But he also pays really close attention to other women. He makes a point to not only catch their name, but to try to get their phone number, to follow up with texting, and to hope they will be his friend. With Alyssa's girlfriends he has Facebooked them just to get to know them, with good intentions. It's a habit he picked up when he was single for 22 years. And somehow he still doesn't get it.

Girls don't have platonic life-long guy friends. Every guy Alyssa tried to be "friends" with throughout the years has over-exaggerated her fondness for him as attraction. Each guy always thought that she liked hanging out with him because he was attractive. But in fact, she just liked the attention. It was all about her, not about him being a great friend. She only kept guy friends around so that she could feel better about the fact that she wasn't dating. She wanted male attention - wanted to feel wanted. She used these "platonic" guy friends to make herself feel better about being single. She only made guy friends to see where it went - maybe they would date down the road, or maybe she would date his friends. For Alyssa, guy friends always equaled a desire to date.

And then she started dating Mark (who was initially a "platonic" guy friend). And she no longer had a need for guy friends to keep "potential future relationships" around. The only guy friends she has now are ones she has a purpose for talking to. She isn't rude - she has fun with them in groups. But she doesn't single them out. She doesn't try to hang on to those guys who naturally fall out of her life. She doesn't text them regularly. In fact she never texts them - she only responds to texts. She doesn't seek them out. Her relationships with guys have a purpose.

But Alyssa's boyfriend thinks that he can have platonic girl friends. He wants them to like him. He wants to get to know them. He says he's just being nice. But what is the purpose behind trying to get to know someone of the opposite sex? Either you're sharing the gospel or you're looking to fill an intimacy or an ego boost that you're not getting at home.

So this makes Alyssa take a step back and think. Maybe she hasn't done enough to make him feel good about himself. Maybe she hasn't physically given enough of herself to keep him from needing other women's approval.

And she feels bad. He puts so much time and energy into her. He often says he loves her with all his heart. He wants to marry her.

But why does he want girl friends?? Wake up!! They don't view you as a platonic guy friend! They view you as someone who is sexually interested in them! They view you as someone who makes them feel better and more attractive! Call me crazy, but this is how girl's think.

And while he is sincerely believing he means nothing wrong or sexual by forming these bonds, he doesn't get how women think.

And they look at Alyssa and they pity her. Doesn't she know that he's into so many other girls? Doesn't she know how he is with women? How he seeks after them and wants their approval and pays special attention to them and is their shoulder if they ever need it and has texted them about nothing?

Guess old habits die hard. And as Alyssa sits there, pondering whether she wants a future of feeling like the nagging, jealous wife, she wonders if those habits will ever die.

A Time for Relationship Band-Aids

I hear a little girl scream and my heart leaps into my eyes as I run to find my niece, sure that she is lying dashed in some corner, broken into little pieces. I find her in her room, a toy dropped at her feet, and large crocodile tears in her eyes. "Auntie...." she cries, as she reaches for me with limp hands. She has somehow managed to reopen an old cut on her knee and she now holds her offending knee out to me gingerly, clearly hoping I can take the pain away for her. I examine it closely and see that it's irritated, but not bleeding. It'll be okay. But, like all good Auntie's, I smartly realize that before she can actually "heal" from the incident, she needs a big hug, an exciting hello kitty Band-Aid, and a lot of exclaiming about how strong she was when she got hurt. Soon, she is proudly showing her owie to anyone who will look and she goes back to playing with the same toy, clearly forgiving it for any offense it may have caused her.

That process of forgiveness is a little like the hurts that we receive in relationships. As we get closer to each other, we get wounded. It's worth it, but sometimes it hurts. For little pin-pricks, we forgive quickly. But then there are this knife wounds that almost knick an artery. Those take surgeons, such as relationship books and wise advise from people we trust to sew that back up. The antibiotics include time to heal, lots of hugs, and lots of talking it out instead of avoiding it. And then, just when you think you've gotten over it, the other person does something to re-open that wound or irritate it. And you think....why keep on living with this? But then you think.....can I live without my heart in my body?

No matter what, you know you love them. If you don't know it, then that's not the right relationship. But for me, I know it. Even though I feel hurt and like one in millions instead of one in a million (quite the fall from specialness, let me tell you), I do love him. So I forgive him. But you know, just like my niece, I just need some time. Time for hugs, some innocent fun in our relationship, and affirmations that we are good together and that the best is yet to come. I need time to put the Band-Aid on and just let it heal again and to look back and be able to smile at the Hello Kitty Band-Aid because we actually got closer because of it. The analogy ends there, though. I won't be showing my owie to anyone - except for my blog lol.

We all need forgiveness at some point in our lives. For some of us it's forgiveness every day when we're a little too mean and we realize it's not very cute after a while. And for other's of us, it's forgiveness for big bombs that we drop that shatter our loved one's view of us.

I'm just reminded that this must be how God feels when he has to teach me some things over and over. My greatest love relationship of ALL time is with my Savior, and how often do I neglect him, under-credit him, and under-cut His glory? How must that make Him feel? And yet, He forgives me. He already forgave me when He loved me enough to die for me. And that's how I want to be for Andrew. I love him enough to die to myself. So no matter how he hurts me, I already forgave him.

Stolen Moments

Tonight I had a thought that left me with a sickish feeling in my stomach. Ever have one of those? It nags and nags on you until you can finally think about something else. The thought I had tonight is - what if a lot of my cherished moments with my boyfriend are actually stolen moments from my future husband? I don't mean that Andrew and I aren't meant to be together. But I do mean, what if I am stealing future delight from Andrew by letting him do things now that generally only happen in marriage? Or, God forbid, what if my future husband is not Andrew, and I have to explain to some guy someday that our moments in marriage aren't as precious because I've already experienced them with someone else.

Somehow separation has dulled my sense of wanting to wait. Reuniting and reconnecting was so sweet. Expressing love physically seemed so natural, especially after being unable to for so long. Don't get me wrong; I'm still a virgin. But I'm not doing the best job at staying one. Since dating, it's almost like I need to remind myself EVERY day to love and protect Andrew's heart/mind and if I miss one day of reading 1 Corinthians 13, - BAM - I'm down on my butt, failing at selfless love.

I just want to be that good example for someone. I want to hold my head up during the day because of who I am at night when no one is looking. Alone, I can't do this. But with God, I know it has to be possible.