How is it that we could go from passionate arguing to pure love and understanding to passionate kissing in the matter of an hour?
And yet, until that argument is resolved, it's like the equator has split and the whole world is opposing itself.
Every time we argue, my view of him is so clouded. I think - o crap, what are we thinking spending the rest of our lives together?
And then, stubborn as he and I both are, he rises above my voice and calms me and explains his world to me.
The clouds clear and the sun bursts out.
We see each other like brand new and can barely leave each other.
We're both stubborn but we're stubborn in fighting and in love.
He tells me I'm beautiful. And I just don't understand.
What does he see?
I'm learning I have to trust him to God.
Yeah we have pasts.
Yeah he has shortcomings, but I have mine, too.
I have no self righteous leg up.
We're on equal footing and loved equally by God.
I have to stop worrying and just entrust him to God.
We sat tonight looking out over the mountains after a nice walk with a decaf coffee. I love him. I barely know what life is like without him. When did life get like this? I'm so thankful it did.
How did I become that girl. The one with a boyfriend and then fiancé and then wedding plans? When did I get diamonds on my left hand? How am I the one with bridal showers and dress fittings? Is it really me wearing that white in the mirror?
A symbol stands before me - the type that stands on a wedding cake with a plastic man in a tux. I barely recognize her, but I love it. The stereotype I thought I would despise washes away. In its place is a love for him and an excitement for this new life. It's a new era. It feels like hello and goodbye all at once. I didn't know it could be so beautiful. I didn't know someone could think I'm so beautiful....
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Grace in the hard times
God's grace.
Each year for the past few years I've asked God to teach me a different characteristic. The past few years God has faithfully laid on my heart a different characteristic of God to claim as my own instead of a New Years resolution. In the past I chose patience and God gave me the best year sitting out of school even though I was anxious to be getting on with my life. One year I chose Trust and God helped me trust Him through great grief and loss. Last year I chose selfless love and God helped me look beyond loving myself to meet and get engaged to Andrew. This year I've claimed "God's grace."
When I chose God's grace, I knew I would probably need it to transition to married life. I also knew I would need it for the times when my fiancé just drives me crazy! I wanted to rely on HIM, not me. Because I can't love and forgive Andrew enough in my own power. What I did not picture was that God would overwhelm me with HIS grace. Here I thought I would be the extremely capable, confident one and that I would need God's grace to be kind to Andrew's flaws. Instead, God has shown me how kind He and Andrew are to my flaws. He's revealed how selfish I am - how conceited and self reliant I am. He has brought me low and He has lifted me up. He allowed me to face incredible failure and defeat at work - a job that was supposed to be a huge break right out of college. Real life.
And when I came home broken from real life - a shell of what I would have accepted into my home - He allowed Andrew to wrap me up in his arms. He sacrificed. Stayed late. Listened.
And now - after much crying out to God - I find myself doing better most days at work. When I have a low at work it's easy to come home and stay low - causing my apartment to look like a mess and making me utterly dependent on Andrew. When I have a high at work I usually stay on that mental high when I come home - meaning I stay in my mental pantsuit and I analyze Andrew's workflow like my boss would scrutinize mine.
I came to this blog tonight to share how frustrated I am because I feel like I have to be the leader when I am strong. I think Andrew just senses when I am in "go" mode and he sits back and lets me do the talking. It frustrates me because we are making these huge decisions and he is SO likely to go with the easiest choice. He feels he is being "optimistic" by picking the first choice and not saying anything negative or being skeptical/asking questions. I feel like it's foolish not to. Why? Better to ask questions and do a couple weeks more of hard work than to have buyers remorse the minute you decide. Better to be cautious. Better to be "pessimistic" now and not later. He tends to jump into things optimistically- and then I have to hear him complain pessimistically later about how much the outcome hurt him. I just want to say - I feel bad for you, but you did it to yourself! And yet he does these things over and over - he seems to need to learn from his own mistakes, but then he doesn't learn that he's making the same fundamental mistake in every decision he makes. Here's his fundamental mistake in decision making: He repeatedly makes quick, easy, rash decisions - and complains and seems helpless when he gets sloppy, hard, unexpected results. He is gullible and swallows any sales pitch he hears. It's like he needs to keep doing this over and over. If he buys a bad product, he says oh well it was the PRODUCT'S fault - a poor product. No, the problem is with the person who chose to buy it. Examples? Oh sure, I can think of a few.
-I say "Babe, do you think we shouldn't buy the car if it has a dead battery?" He says, "Andrea, your dad doesn't know EVERYTHING. I have never heard of a case where a dead battery could indicate an alternator or more serious issue. We need a car now and I don't think we're going to find a better car." Yeah, he agreed with me eventually and he's thankful now - but it just made me doubt his discretion and ability to lead in tough decisions. It put SO much pressure on me to lead in that huge decision.
-We've just been shown an apartment and the lady says, "Now. I'm ready for your questions about the apartment." Andrew says, "I don't have any." HOW DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PLACE YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE IN FOR THE NEXT YEAR PLUS. Try at least looking up articles on apartment questions like I did! Does he not realize that this puts the burden SQUARELY on me? He eventually came up with some questions after I asked the key ones. I think he knows deep down that I don't want to settle for less than the best, so he just sits back and makes me lead. I try to pause. I try to look to him to let him lead. But he just is blank-faced/blank-minded. He was literally only concerned about the shower. I know he was kind of teasing, but it just made him look dumb. I tried to cover for him and make it clear that he was joking. But he kind of was and kind of wasn't.
-He says, "Babe, I think we NEED these $6-700 pots!" He convinces me to buy these pots we can't afford after I expressly told him I needed him to be strong for me and not let me buy pots when we went to an engagement "cooking show".
-He says, "Babe, why are you only buying the $10 xbox live access. Just go ahead about buy the year-long $60 subscription. It's only $60." No. It's not just $60. It's $60 I don't need to spend. And the $10 purchase didn't even get me the access I needed - money wasted! I didn't know if I would WANT/USE the $60 so I was cautious about it.
I say all that to say that I am FRUSTRATED with him. I needed space from him tonight. I had little to no patience with him when we discussed the apartment afterwards because I could tell he was sold on the place before we had even discussed it - typical of him to jump into something without even coming prepared with questions or sufficient research.
I'm just tired....so tired of holding him back and so tired from leading him. I not only need God's grace - I need to somehow show Andrew the grace God allowed him to show me when I had shortcomings. I was pretty low and Andrew supported me. He led me. Maybe I need to be helpless again. What he needs to know is that I DO need him. The only reason why I seem so "capable" and in charge and self-sufficient is because I don't think HE'S going to step up and do it for me. And the only reason why I'm a pessimist with purchases and big decisions is because I'd rather make a WISE purchase/decision.
I know my place is not to lead. So everything's all out of whack. Because I lead, he follows. And because he follows, I find myself frustrated and writing this blog. He thinks he has to follow me to make me happy. He thinks I think I'm always right. The fact is - I KNOW I'm not always right. I DON'T want to lead. But I need him to put the effort in to telling me WHY I'm not right. I need him to step up and lead, even if I seem capable. And I need to be more graceful to him. I need to remember exactly how I felt when I was giving 110% at work and it just wasn't enough. It SUCKS. My heart goes out to him. But I don't know what to do. I truly don't want to believe it is "his permanent personality". Cuz if it is - I don't know if I can live with that. Unless of course I have God's grace.....
Each year for the past few years I've asked God to teach me a different characteristic. The past few years God has faithfully laid on my heart a different characteristic of God to claim as my own instead of a New Years resolution. In the past I chose patience and God gave me the best year sitting out of school even though I was anxious to be getting on with my life. One year I chose Trust and God helped me trust Him through great grief and loss. Last year I chose selfless love and God helped me look beyond loving myself to meet and get engaged to Andrew. This year I've claimed "God's grace."
When I chose God's grace, I knew I would probably need it to transition to married life. I also knew I would need it for the times when my fiancé just drives me crazy! I wanted to rely on HIM, not me. Because I can't love and forgive Andrew enough in my own power. What I did not picture was that God would overwhelm me with HIS grace. Here I thought I would be the extremely capable, confident one and that I would need God's grace to be kind to Andrew's flaws. Instead, God has shown me how kind He and Andrew are to my flaws. He's revealed how selfish I am - how conceited and self reliant I am. He has brought me low and He has lifted me up. He allowed me to face incredible failure and defeat at work - a job that was supposed to be a huge break right out of college. Real life.
And when I came home broken from real life - a shell of what I would have accepted into my home - He allowed Andrew to wrap me up in his arms. He sacrificed. Stayed late. Listened.
And now - after much crying out to God - I find myself doing better most days at work. When I have a low at work it's easy to come home and stay low - causing my apartment to look like a mess and making me utterly dependent on Andrew. When I have a high at work I usually stay on that mental high when I come home - meaning I stay in my mental pantsuit and I analyze Andrew's workflow like my boss would scrutinize mine.
I came to this blog tonight to share how frustrated I am because I feel like I have to be the leader when I am strong. I think Andrew just senses when I am in "go" mode and he sits back and lets me do the talking. It frustrates me because we are making these huge decisions and he is SO likely to go with the easiest choice. He feels he is being "optimistic" by picking the first choice and not saying anything negative or being skeptical/asking questions. I feel like it's foolish not to. Why? Better to ask questions and do a couple weeks more of hard work than to have buyers remorse the minute you decide. Better to be cautious. Better to be "pessimistic" now and not later. He tends to jump into things optimistically- and then I have to hear him complain pessimistically later about how much the outcome hurt him. I just want to say - I feel bad for you, but you did it to yourself! And yet he does these things over and over - he seems to need to learn from his own mistakes, but then he doesn't learn that he's making the same fundamental mistake in every decision he makes. Here's his fundamental mistake in decision making: He repeatedly makes quick, easy, rash decisions - and complains and seems helpless when he gets sloppy, hard, unexpected results. He is gullible and swallows any sales pitch he hears. It's like he needs to keep doing this over and over. If he buys a bad product, he says oh well it was the PRODUCT'S fault - a poor product. No, the problem is with the person who chose to buy it. Examples? Oh sure, I can think of a few.
-I say "Babe, do you think we shouldn't buy the car if it has a dead battery?" He says, "Andrea, your dad doesn't know EVERYTHING. I have never heard of a case where a dead battery could indicate an alternator or more serious issue. We need a car now and I don't think we're going to find a better car." Yeah, he agreed with me eventually and he's thankful now - but it just made me doubt his discretion and ability to lead in tough decisions. It put SO much pressure on me to lead in that huge decision.
-We've just been shown an apartment and the lady says, "Now. I'm ready for your questions about the apartment." Andrew says, "I don't have any." HOW DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PLACE YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE IN FOR THE NEXT YEAR PLUS. Try at least looking up articles on apartment questions like I did! Does he not realize that this puts the burden SQUARELY on me? He eventually came up with some questions after I asked the key ones. I think he knows deep down that I don't want to settle for less than the best, so he just sits back and makes me lead. I try to pause. I try to look to him to let him lead. But he just is blank-faced/blank-minded. He was literally only concerned about the shower. I know he was kind of teasing, but it just made him look dumb. I tried to cover for him and make it clear that he was joking. But he kind of was and kind of wasn't.
-He says, "Babe, I think we NEED these $6-700 pots!" He convinces me to buy these pots we can't afford after I expressly told him I needed him to be strong for me and not let me buy pots when we went to an engagement "cooking show".
-He says, "Babe, why are you only buying the $10 xbox live access. Just go ahead about buy the year-long $60 subscription. It's only $60." No. It's not just $60. It's $60 I don't need to spend. And the $10 purchase didn't even get me the access I needed - money wasted! I didn't know if I would WANT/USE the $60 so I was cautious about it.
I say all that to say that I am FRUSTRATED with him. I needed space from him tonight. I had little to no patience with him when we discussed the apartment afterwards because I could tell he was sold on the place before we had even discussed it - typical of him to jump into something without even coming prepared with questions or sufficient research.
I'm just tired....so tired of holding him back and so tired from leading him. I not only need God's grace - I need to somehow show Andrew the grace God allowed him to show me when I had shortcomings. I was pretty low and Andrew supported me. He led me. Maybe I need to be helpless again. What he needs to know is that I DO need him. The only reason why I seem so "capable" and in charge and self-sufficient is because I don't think HE'S going to step up and do it for me. And the only reason why I'm a pessimist with purchases and big decisions is because I'd rather make a WISE purchase/decision.
I know my place is not to lead. So everything's all out of whack. Because I lead, he follows. And because he follows, I find myself frustrated and writing this blog. He thinks he has to follow me to make me happy. He thinks I think I'm always right. The fact is - I KNOW I'm not always right. I DON'T want to lead. But I need him to put the effort in to telling me WHY I'm not right. I need him to step up and lead, even if I seem capable. And I need to be more graceful to him. I need to remember exactly how I felt when I was giving 110% at work and it just wasn't enough. It SUCKS. My heart goes out to him. But I don't know what to do. I truly don't want to believe it is "his permanent personality". Cuz if it is - I don't know if I can live with that. Unless of course I have God's grace.....
Saturday, February 22, 2014
No special time like the present
What I love about Andrew is that he doesn't need a special occasion to make me feel special. No, he's not perfect. Yes, he messes up. But he doesn't wait for an anniversary to tell me I'm beautiful. He doesn't need me to get out of my PJ's to be attracted to me. He's seen me in my ups and downs and highs and lows and his love for me is always the same.
Love is easy. And then it's hard work. And he sticks around for both. Most importantly, he doesn't expect my love to be limited to him. He understands that true love mimics the love of Christ. Who better to show us how to love? God's love in me is so strong - I just want to burst. It only makes me love Andrew more - even when he lets me down. My love for Andrew is pure. Whole. Fulfilled. Happy.
Love is easy. And then it's hard work. And he sticks around for both. Most importantly, he doesn't expect my love to be limited to him. He understands that true love mimics the love of Christ. Who better to show us how to love? God's love in me is so strong - I just want to burst. It only makes me love Andrew more - even when he lets me down. My love for Andrew is pure. Whole. Fulfilled. Happy.
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Love in a crowd
Crowds remind me how terrifying it is to be alone.
And how wonderful it is to not be alone.
In that sea of people, I look up at him and am so thankful.
I am terrified to be lost in a crowd.
But if I'm lost with him, it's okay.
Hand-in-hand, anything could happen to us,
We could go anywhere,
As long as we don't lose each other, it's okay.
I'm realizing more and more that other people will come and go.
But he is my forever.
Parents age....move away.
Sisters have children - sooo many children.
Brothers get consumed with their career - their set schedule.
Friends find it's no longer convenient to hang out.
Jobs change. Churches change. You graduate.
Now it's just him and me and God.
We make a good team.
So many goofy moments.
And yet we SERIOUSLY love.
We give up ourselves.
We fight to resolve - not to win.
We pray together.
We fail together.
We problem-solve together.
He looks into a crowd, and he finds ME.
I look across a room, and I meet HIS blue eyes.
Didn't mean to block out the whole world.
Didn't mean to get lost in the crowd
Where those that were familiar become strangers
Didn't mean to stop caring what others thought.
I just want to lie down in his arms.
Close my eyes.
Whisper.
Tease.
Defy.
Tap his nose.
Be thoroughly kissed.
Stay there warm, secure, forever.
This whole world crowds around us,
But as he grabs my hand and leads me through my fears,
I know now that the most important thing
in the world to me
is my best friend.
And how wonderful it is to not be alone.
In that sea of people, I look up at him and am so thankful.
I am terrified to be lost in a crowd.
But if I'm lost with him, it's okay.
Hand-in-hand, anything could happen to us,
We could go anywhere,
As long as we don't lose each other, it's okay.
I'm realizing more and more that other people will come and go.
But he is my forever.
Parents age....move away.
Sisters have children - sooo many children.
Brothers get consumed with their career - their set schedule.
Friends find it's no longer convenient to hang out.
Jobs change. Churches change. You graduate.
Now it's just him and me and God.
We make a good team.
So many goofy moments.
And yet we SERIOUSLY love.
We give up ourselves.
We fight to resolve - not to win.
We pray together.
We fail together.
We problem-solve together.
He looks into a crowd, and he finds ME.
I look across a room, and I meet HIS blue eyes.
Didn't mean to block out the whole world.
Didn't mean to get lost in the crowd
Where those that were familiar become strangers
Didn't mean to stop caring what others thought.
I just want to lie down in his arms.
Close my eyes.
Whisper.
Tease.
Defy.
Tap his nose.
Be thoroughly kissed.
Stay there warm, secure, forever.
This whole world crowds around us,
But as he grabs my hand and leads me through my fears,
I know now that the most important thing
in the world to me
is my best friend.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
The Age Disease
"I don't want to get older." I said this to my mom when I was four. Every year, the sentiment has remained the same. I like the year I am now. I don't want to be 5.
Isn't that how everyone feels? You cling through survival mode in your teenage years because you picture this state of perfection in your 20s. And then you hit twenty and your face clears up but the rest of you starts slowly decaying. So when did the perfection happen? Oh....wait.....it didn't.
It's disturbing to think we've all caught this disease called age.
I'm not even old. I'm actually pretty stinking young. And yet I've had a few selfish moments lately, wanting to tune out the idea of bodies breaking down....needing fixing....having arthritis in your 20s.
It's not the end. But it sure feels like the beginning of the end. It feels like this long road toward recovery. It feels like the kind of thing where a doctor will come to you later saying, "Oops. Looks like there's a complication."
I know he will do his best. I know it's out of our control. I just......you know how my sister really struggled with finding out she would have a daughter with down syndrome? It's because she never ever pictured having a daughter with disabilities. She was SO type A. How could anyone "slow" her down?
Shallowly, that's how I feel about marrying someone with a diagnosis that is the leading cause of disability in the USA. I don't love him any less. But I know he can't guarantee anything to me. He can't guarantee a successful treatment or a quick recovery. He can't guarantee there will still be a job waiting for him. He can't guarantee anything.
But even without this diagnosis, how much can either of us guarantee each other anyway? God is in control, not us. He knows. He allowed. He will carry.
This is ridiculous of course because other people have managed with the disease just fine. So I'm overreacting.
That's all we can hope for. God is not surprised by this diagnosis or this "age disease". Thankfully, this life is not our home.
Tomorrow's a new day.
Isn't that how everyone feels? You cling through survival mode in your teenage years because you picture this state of perfection in your 20s. And then you hit twenty and your face clears up but the rest of you starts slowly decaying. So when did the perfection happen? Oh....wait.....it didn't.
It's disturbing to think we've all caught this disease called age.
I'm not even old. I'm actually pretty stinking young. And yet I've had a few selfish moments lately, wanting to tune out the idea of bodies breaking down....needing fixing....having arthritis in your 20s.
It's not the end. But it sure feels like the beginning of the end. It feels like this long road toward recovery. It feels like the kind of thing where a doctor will come to you later saying, "Oops. Looks like there's a complication."
I know he will do his best. I know it's out of our control. I just......you know how my sister really struggled with finding out she would have a daughter with down syndrome? It's because she never ever pictured having a daughter with disabilities. She was SO type A. How could anyone "slow" her down?
Shallowly, that's how I feel about marrying someone with a diagnosis that is the leading cause of disability in the USA. I don't love him any less. But I know he can't guarantee anything to me. He can't guarantee a successful treatment or a quick recovery. He can't guarantee there will still be a job waiting for him. He can't guarantee anything.
But even without this diagnosis, how much can either of us guarantee each other anyway? God is in control, not us. He knows. He allowed. He will carry.
This is ridiculous of course because other people have managed with the disease just fine. So I'm overreacting.
That's all we can hope for. God is not surprised by this diagnosis or this "age disease". Thankfully, this life is not our home.
Tomorrow's a new day.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Monday, November 18, 2013
I am my father
I sit on this old blue couch which is a product of someone's castaway and my diligent cleaning. And I am a castaway - my father's castaway. He saw good in me, yes, but he also saw so much bad. So he scrubbed at me, over and over and over. He hammered the same points over and over. He ignored the 99% good that I did and narrowed in on the 1% bad. Every conversation was a test to see whether I measured up to his expectations. He usually had a comment or two that made me hate telling him what I accomplished.
As a 17-year-old girl, I vowed one thing. I will never be like my father. And I prayed regularly growing up, God, please change my father.
While my dad was focusing on my 1% bad, I was focusing on my dad's 1% bad. And I became my father.
How do I become my mother? How do I encourage, nurture, and only offer advice when asked. How do I let go of my criticism and trust people? How do I love unconditionally. How do I stay silent even when I know I am right? How do I stop constantly trying to teach people, and instead just be with people?
Why can't I stop ruining silly, fun moments with my fiancé? Why do I have to push him away the closer he gets to me?
I do want to change some things about him. I want to fix him. I want him to see every minor detail as being important - just like my father hammered into me.
But I love him. I love him like my father loved me. My father spent more time with me, trying to fix me. But he also spent more time with me telling he believed in me - I could be a great writer - I made him proud. Is it possible he made me a better person?
Maybe I need to take a moment to thank my dad for the 99% he did right in his little girl's life. Maybe I need to beg God to change myself just like I used to beg Him to change my dad.
With my dad's attention to detail, I feel empowered at work. But I feel handicapped in relationships. Instead of being my earthly father, I want to be more like my heavenly Father. My heavenly Father has the highest of all expectations, and yet he showers more love and grace on me than I will ever receive in an eternity from anyone else.
God, help me? I am so lost. How do I change everything about myself and yet still respect myself and others who don't measure up to my expectations?
As a 17-year-old girl, I vowed one thing. I will never be like my father. And I prayed regularly growing up, God, please change my father.
While my dad was focusing on my 1% bad, I was focusing on my dad's 1% bad. And I became my father.
How do I become my mother? How do I encourage, nurture, and only offer advice when asked. How do I let go of my criticism and trust people? How do I love unconditionally. How do I stay silent even when I know I am right? How do I stop constantly trying to teach people, and instead just be with people?
Why can't I stop ruining silly, fun moments with my fiancé? Why do I have to push him away the closer he gets to me?
I do want to change some things about him. I want to fix him. I want him to see every minor detail as being important - just like my father hammered into me.
But I love him. I love him like my father loved me. My father spent more time with me, trying to fix me. But he also spent more time with me telling he believed in me - I could be a great writer - I made him proud. Is it possible he made me a better person?
Maybe I need to take a moment to thank my dad for the 99% he did right in his little girl's life. Maybe I need to beg God to change myself just like I used to beg Him to change my dad.
With my dad's attention to detail, I feel empowered at work. But I feel handicapped in relationships. Instead of being my earthly father, I want to be more like my heavenly Father. My heavenly Father has the highest of all expectations, and yet he showers more love and grace on me than I will ever receive in an eternity from anyone else.
God, help me? I am so lost. How do I change everything about myself and yet still respect myself and others who don't measure up to my expectations?
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