The Innocence of A Reflection

I'm reflective right now. Most new years days do this to me. I remember one new year where I thought for sure I was not going to live to see the dawn of 2000-something or other. I wrote feverishly in my journal (yes, I was a believer in those old notebook pages) about how I would like my funeral conducted and what lucky shirt I wanted to be buried in. This feeling of impending death may have had something to do with my sleeping on the floor of a lonely old room in my grandparents house, lost in the middle of Michigan farm land. Midnight hit and I whispered to myself, "I'm still alive. Yes."

Last night was a little different. For some reason I always seem to have quiet New Years Eves. No one in my life cares to stay up until midnight and cheer, "Yay! A New Year!" Which, if you ask me - this is the height of optimism (as opposed to going to bed early and groaning about the upcoming tax season). But Abigail, my kitten, loyally stayed up with me and when I suddenly looked up from my reading old journals and saw that it was past midnight, I whispered, "Happy New Years, kitty." She yowled bravely from under the blanket I had trapped her under and, feeling she had sufficiently warmed the blankets up for me, I let her go.

So it is a New Year. Resolutions? Bah. Those can be made any time. For me New Years is my one big day to look back on the year, not forwards into the unknown. Right now, the future looms so huge in front of me. Life suddenly seems to have gotten so very complicated. But when one breaks it down, I'm still the same person. Time is the only thing that has happened to me. This kind of reminds me of a little girl at my church, who was so excited to see me when I came back from college, and scrutinized me carefully to see if I had changed. And if you thought my name couldn't get shortened any more, well think again. She calls me 'A'. Finally at the end of the first evening I was back, she jumped up and down excitedly and said, "A's not grown up yet! A's not grown up!" I think this had something to do with me giving her a piggy back ride in church. Not sure if she expected me to come home all stiff and proper or what, but I wickedly agreed with her that I had arrived at NeverLand.

"Oh," she said, "Like Peter Pan!"
"Oh, honey. We're the best of friends, Pan and I."

I love the sparkle in the eyes of children. I never grow tired of seeing kids excited over small things. For a while there, everything seemed so huge and overbearing to me. Kind of like a new year. Kind of takes the joy out of the small things. The only way I'll make it through, is to take it one step at a time. One moment by moment. One innocent minute with my kitten at 12:01 a.m. after another. How can I not enjoy the small things when the big things are broken down?

This last year Baby Ben was born, and while I was at college, I got the sad news that he passed away. The family is still grieving, as you can imagine, but I was talking with his grandmother last night and she told me something remarkable. "It's amazing how one little boy could bring so many people together. Ben served his purpose. His mother especially misses him so much. Not a day goes by. But we were so blessed to have him for the time we did." I got to see Ben the day before I left for college. He was so tiny and cute! But he seemed like he was in such pain. In many ways, it is a relief for him to be in heaven now. That is one place where there is no suffering and there is no new year that he must struggle through. Can you imagine? God truly is good.

This last year I started college. That felt huge. I wouldn't have wanted to be doing anything else. The challenge was good for me, although I did miss keeping up on politics and debating all the ins and outs. ;) But, ah, the people were spared. Heh.

I learned, basically, over this last year, that I have so much still to learn. That thought is exhilerating. If I was done learning, I believe I would be bored stiff. God knew when he created me that if I truly did know it all, I would lead a very bland life. So, instead, I go through life pretending I know it all until I truly do. ;) Nah, I'm always open to learning new things. The innocence of children, no?

Happy New Years to all of you.