The Innocence of A Reflection

I'm reflective right now. Most new years days do this to me. I remember one new year where I thought for sure I was not going to live to see the dawn of 2000-something or other. I wrote feverishly in my journal (yes, I was a believer in those old notebook pages) about how I would like my funeral conducted and what lucky shirt I wanted to be buried in. This feeling of impending death may have had something to do with my sleeping on the floor of a lonely old room in my grandparents house, lost in the middle of Michigan farm land. Midnight hit and I whispered to myself, "I'm still alive. Yes."

Last night was a little different. For some reason I always seem to have quiet New Years Eves. No one in my life cares to stay up until midnight and cheer, "Yay! A New Year!" Which, if you ask me - this is the height of optimism (as opposed to going to bed early and groaning about the upcoming tax season). But Abigail, my kitten, loyally stayed up with me and when I suddenly looked up from my reading old journals and saw that it was past midnight, I whispered, "Happy New Years, kitty." She yowled bravely from under the blanket I had trapped her under and, feeling she had sufficiently warmed the blankets up for me, I let her go.

So it is a New Year. Resolutions? Bah. Those can be made any time. For me New Years is my one big day to look back on the year, not forwards into the unknown. Right now, the future looms so huge in front of me. Life suddenly seems to have gotten so very complicated. But when one breaks it down, I'm still the same person. Time is the only thing that has happened to me. This kind of reminds me of a little girl at my church, who was so excited to see me when I came back from college, and scrutinized me carefully to see if I had changed. And if you thought my name couldn't get shortened any more, well think again. She calls me 'A'. Finally at the end of the first evening I was back, she jumped up and down excitedly and said, "A's not grown up yet! A's not grown up!" I think this had something to do with me giving her a piggy back ride in church. Not sure if she expected me to come home all stiff and proper or what, but I wickedly agreed with her that I had arrived at NeverLand.

"Oh," she said, "Like Peter Pan!"
"Oh, honey. We're the best of friends, Pan and I."

I love the sparkle in the eyes of children. I never grow tired of seeing kids excited over small things. For a while there, everything seemed so huge and overbearing to me. Kind of like a new year. Kind of takes the joy out of the small things. The only way I'll make it through, is to take it one step at a time. One moment by moment. One innocent minute with my kitten at 12:01 a.m. after another. How can I not enjoy the small things when the big things are broken down?

This last year Baby Ben was born, and while I was at college, I got the sad news that he passed away. The family is still grieving, as you can imagine, but I was talking with his grandmother last night and she told me something remarkable. "It's amazing how one little boy could bring so many people together. Ben served his purpose. His mother especially misses him so much. Not a day goes by. But we were so blessed to have him for the time we did." I got to see Ben the day before I left for college. He was so tiny and cute! But he seemed like he was in such pain. In many ways, it is a relief for him to be in heaven now. That is one place where there is no suffering and there is no new year that he must struggle through. Can you imagine? God truly is good.

This last year I started college. That felt huge. I wouldn't have wanted to be doing anything else. The challenge was good for me, although I did miss keeping up on politics and debating all the ins and outs. ;) But, ah, the people were spared. Heh.

I learned, basically, over this last year, that I have so much still to learn. That thought is exhilerating. If I was done learning, I believe I would be bored stiff. God knew when he created me that if I truly did know it all, I would lead a very bland life. So, instead, I go through life pretending I know it all until I truly do. ;) Nah, I'm always open to learning new things. The innocence of children, no?

Happy New Years to all of you.

Baby Ben Update!

I'm sure you all remember Baby Ben. In fact I'm very sure, because I've had several of you ask me to do a follow-up article on his progress. So here goes, but as all good bloggers will, I shall first refresh your memory.


Little Benjamin's original birthday was supposed to be March 21st, but he was born on January 6th about 12 weeks premature. At his birth, he weighed 15 oz. and was 11 inches long. His mother recalls, "When I first saw him at 2 hours old he looked tiny, pink and cute. He looked like a normal baby only in miniature."



The doctors' reaction to his birth was recounted by his mother. "They were surprised that he survived. Only ½ the babies his size do. He is the smallest baby at (the hospital) that they’ve had."



When I first wrote to you guys about little Ben, I reported that he had significantly gained weight, and weighed in at 1 lb 8 oz as of February 25th. His mother said of that, "Hopefully that number will grow every day."



It's a happy thing for me to be able to tell you that that number has grown every day. I have a couple pictures of him that were taken just yesterday in the hospital. If you can't notice, he has the most adorable little double chin and the parents recently announced that he has just reached 5 pounds!



Note: the difference - lol




While his progress has been quite good and his parents are very encouraged, the little guy is undergoing a serious surgery tomorrow. Apparently a lot of little procedures are going to take place, and then the doctor will ask the parents whether they are willing for Baby Ben to get a tube put in (trachea). The parents will have to decide on the spot of the moment. Obviously the parents and our church family are praying very hard that little Benjamin won’t need that Tracheotomy put in, because it could cause many other severe complications. So if any of you are praying people (or even if you’re not, for that matter), please pray for Ben tomorrow because this really is a very serious time in his young life.



Mom Quote: "Why do I think Benjamin is still alive? It’s very simple actually. Because God wants him to be and because God has a purpose for Bens life that only Ben can accomplish."

Premature Baby Ben... in the impossible

When a person is told something that they believe in is impossible, their first inclination is to believe in it anyway. Believe against all hopes, against all of the overwhelming reports, and believe in God for that which has been deemed impossible. Many scoff that 'hope' is idealistic and will only result in deep regret. But I submit that some individuals have a grasp on something deeper than hope. They have faith. Faith in God.

To some, faith is a strange concept. Skeptics can say some very loud and scientific things against faith and God. And they have every right to. But regardless of those loud words, faith remains a strong core of communities, families, and my great country of America. I guess I already knew this, but I know now more than ever that God cannot be proved by science, or by man. God proves Himself. Some may doubt their beliefs, but faith itself cannot be extinguished. And when this faith is grounded in God, it has power that even the most knowledgeable of mortals cannot deny. It is my experience that those who believe in God regardless of the opinion of man, have decided that there is Someone bigger than man that has the power over life and death.

So why not believe in the impossible, eh? Why not have a little faith, ladies and gentlemen… in miracles?

I present to you a very young family. This family was normal enough for quite a while. Aaron and Heather already had two blonde-haired little girls and were naturally pleased when they found out they were pregnant with a boy. So, young Julianna and Lauren were to have a little brother! There’s nothing abnormal about that. Little boys are born every day. But what was unusual about the little boy Heather was carrying, was that he was not growing normally in the womb. This was naturally a shock to the whole family (including the two girls’ close grandparents), and requests for prayer were sent around to churches.

Understandably, the time that has followed has been a turbulent time for the family. The little boy, Benjamin, was born on January 6th, instead of the projected March 21st. That is a very premature baby. His diaper was the size of a large postage stamp. But premature babies are born every day. What makes him different? The more I became interested in the family, and the more I heard about their hard time, I found that it was their strong faith in God…in the impossible that only He could allow, to be what fascinated me and inspired me to write this.

I wanted to make this blog entry as factual as possible, so I figured that the best way to let you see the inside perspective to this story was to ask questions and get some answers. The children’s grandmother passed these questions on to the mother of Baby Ben. Heather was kind enough to answer them for this blog, and I share those stimulating answers with you now.

Hi Andria,
Here are the answers to the questions you gave to (my mother-in-law). She didn’t know the answers to some of them so she gave them to me. The only time I have to sit and write is when I’m holding Ben so I don’t have access to a computer. Hopefully written answers are ok.

1. When did (you) first find out something was wrong with Ben?
We first found out something was wrong with Ben on Friday December 28th. I went in for a routine US and they discovered that he was only ½ the size he should be and that my placenta wasn’t working so well.

2. What did the doctors initially say/advise?
It depended on the doctor, and we saw 10 of them over all. My doctor and 1 of the perineotologists said that this baby had a chance and lets do all we can to help him. Two of the perineotologists told me to go home and let him die.

3. What were (you) thinking when she heard what the doctors said?
I of course was scared, however I had the peace of God that all would be OK. Not easy or pleasant, but OK I had not experienced His peace so vividly like that before. It was wonderful and what got me through the2 weeks of bed rest and the 7 weeks since.

4. When did the emergency C-section take place? And what would the normal due date have been?
I had him on Sunday January 6th at 2:18 pm. His original birthday was supposed to be March 21st.

5. How much did Benjamin weigh? How premature was he? What did he look like initially? What was the first sign that he might live?
He weighed 15 oz. And was 11 inches long. He was just about 12 weeks premature. When I first saw him at 2 hours old he looked tiny, pink and cute. He looked like a normal baby only in miniature. He looked like a tiny version of Lauren. The first sign that he might live medically speaking was the fact that he breathed on his own for the first 6 hours of his life. He had a rough 2 weeks after that when the doctors were doubtful that he’d make it but I always knew that he would live and be OK.

6. What were the family’s and (your) reaction to Benjamin?
We all pretty much reacted the same way. We were relieved, overwhelmed and very joyful.

7. What were the doctors’/hospital staffs’ reactions to Benjamin?
They were surprised that he survived. Only ½ the babies his size do. He is the smallest baby at (the hospital) that they’ve had. They are very good and gentle with him. His room sees a lot of traffic. All of the nurses check on his progress and they “fight” to see who gets to take care of him.

8. What milestones has Benjamin already overcome?
Too many to write it seems. He has overcome a hole in his heart, immature lungs, 2 grade-one brain bleeds, and a digestive system that didn’t want to work at first. He also had a blood infection and a body full of bilirubin.

9. How much does Benjamin weigh now? How has he changed in appearance?
Ben weighs 1 lb 8 oz as of Feb. 25th. Hopefully that number will grow every day. He has changed quite a bit. For a couple of days he was black from bilirubin then he turned yellow. He is still a bit yellow but is starting to pink up. His ribs are a bit less visible now and he looks longer - probably because he is. He’s just under 12 in. Why do I think Benjamin is still alive? It’s very simple actually. Because God wants him to be and because God has a purpose for Bens life that only Ben can accomplish. We have been able to speak of God’s power and love to people we never would have had Ben not come to us the way he did. Although it has been tough, if given the choice, we would do it all again.

As I read those answers and saw the pictures of Baby Ben, I was touched to an unprintable degree. Ben is so small, so fragile, so helpless. And yet Someone is keeping his heart beating. Someone is whispering in his little ears that he has a purpose on this old earth. Someone is telling him to open his eyes and survey the world with wonder. That is not fate, or chance, or logical prediction. That is God.

I am not beyond thinking that some will scorn the simple faith of this family. But I don’t think that would change their faith in God one dot. Believing in God is not about proving anything. Believing in God to do the impossible is a choice. That choice is something that will baffle atheistic minds for both the centuries past and future, and you and I both know that where there are believers, there will be unbelievers. Unbelievers will shake their fist at the sky as though God is some drifting shape in the clouds, and will ask Him for proof of His existence before they can believe. But God is not limited to physical qualities and physical instruments and physical limitations. He is not ordered about by ‘all-knowing’ man. He cannot be described, because it would only limit Him. No, man cannot pull out instruments and measure God. And yet, while God cannot be proven by man, God can certainly prove himself through man. Even a little man…a little miracle… our Baby Ben.

I offer my deepest gratitude to those of you who read through this entire entry, and I hope these words encouraged some of you to hang in there today. Nothing is too hard… too difficult. For those of you who found this too sappy? tough. You needed sappiness today.

Regardless of whoever you are, if you think to pray, please send those prayers little Benjamin’s way.