People As We Know Them

Well, today was muggy but beautiful. I found myself washing trays this morning and thinking, "I am not even using 10% of my brain capacity doing this." So I began talking with myself, to get some cerebral juices flowing. Incidentally I had quite the conversation with myself, but at one point I got stuck because I couldn't think of what I wanted to say. I was trying to imagine myself as a 90 year old woman, and I was wondering if I would have lost my mind by then. Then I added (to clarify for myself),

"But this is only metaphorically speaking... Is it metaphorical? No... That's not the word I want. What's that one word? I used to say it all the time..." It bugged me and bugged me, until I waylaid one of my managers and he helped me out.

"Hypothetically speaking."

"Thank you so much! Hypothetically speaking."

He looked at me oddly and I continued to humbly wipe trays. Have you ever had that happen to you? Where you just...can't...remember? Or worse - a song is going through your head and you keep humming it and you can't figure out where it's from. That's pretty much the worst thing that can happen to you, because it's easy to explain a word that you can't think of, but it's a lot more humbling to try to hum the song swimming around in your head (especially if you get all the lyrics wrong, and the person just looks at you, like, "O-kay....") I hate that when someone looks at me like I'm wierd. It really is interesting to me, though, how some of the wierdest people in the world consider everybody else wierd. (Hopefully that doesn't come back to bite me-lol.)

Speaking of forgetfulness, my whole family has been asking each other all day, "So, have you heard the news about Brett Favre? You know... how he had is officially last day on Lambeau Field today." Pretty sure I heard that on the radio like twice, and then my mom told me about it as she read it on the internet, and then my dad just asked my mom if she heard the news. What's funnier yet, is that each time I heard it "announced" it was as though each person "announcing it" had breaking news and they were the first to share it. "Did you know..." People make me laugh (which means I have an ongoing affair of amusement with myself).

Did you know that the study of people is called 'anthropology'? I knew that, I just thought I would make sure you did. I should major in 'anthropology' instead of 'journalism'. It's just that I find both the study of people and their effect on the world so interesting, I can't help but write about both. It's not that I'm a young, fresh, wet-behind-the-ears intern who is exhaustingly excited about intricate political affairs. No. I am a person who happens to be young and happens to be interested in the things going on around me. If I happen to live in America, and my country happens to be winning a war in a foreign country, well, then I find that interesting. And... if my coworker begins complaining about a customer, or my mom confesses to me how many chips she ate in one day, well, that's interesting too. (Granted, it get's a little boring if someone talks about how 'good' so and so is. That doesn't interest me. Give me blood, betrayal, and sarcasm any day.)

I think it was yesterday that I was writing something down about myself that was horribly conceited (and I quote), "I marvel that I can both observe and interact with my fellow man so well". That's like ASKING to get jinxed. And, yes, today I was completely uninterested in conversing with customer after customer, saying the same old thing to each uninterested person.

ME: "Hi!" (Said brightly for emphasis), "How you doing?" (Joey style)

THEM: "Yeah, I'm doing good, good. Real good. And you?" (Shutup, and give me my food all ready)

ME: "Well, I'm doing well, thank you. It's a beautiful day!"

THEM: (silence)

ME: "Well, your sandwich will be out in a little bit, but until then you can decide what you would like on your sandwich. Did you know whether you would like to eat here or to go?"

THEM: "Yeah, to go. I'll take (and the rambling ensues)."

See, I've discovered that if I try to save time and say the exact same thing to every customer, not every customer responds the same. You may say that all they want is their sandwich, but that is rarely true. People (myself included) really do want to be treated like they matter. Thus, I must prove my individual ability to make every customers' sandwich... over, and over, and over, and over again. So, I should probably not do what I did today - and totally bomb the whole "I care about you, what can I get for you" customer service thing.

I did see one of my old metivante customers today. That was really pleasant! He was actually nice, AND he asked how I was doing! I had to hurry and go put trays away, but I felt all warm and skippy when I walked. It's really nice to feel loved and cared about.

There. That's my people study. And I conclude that if everybody is just like me, well, they honestly just want people to treat them with respect, treat them with understanding, treat them with something other than a company line, and treat them with love.

Thus, a sandwich made with love still applies. Stop looking at me like I'm wierd.

I hate that, remember?

Wonderbar

I loved my Friday! I just had a really good day. Granted, I’ve been working at Grace’s again this week and I had to say goodbye to all my old customers AGAIN today, but otherwise I just really enjoyed today. I can’t really put my finger on what it was, but I do know it was fun.

I love how I just went outside and picked a handful of raspberry’s directly from the bush in my back yard. You have no idea how sweet and delicious a from-the-stem raspberry is - and how it melts in your mouth. It doesn’t get any fresher than that! I just feel so much like that raspberry…. Fresh.

Maybe this new fresh feeling I have is because Grace is having me try this new product of hers called ‘CYCLIC’. She insisted the product is ‘miracle working’ and so therefore I had no choice in the matter. A big box of the product came in the mail the other day and I opened it with unveiled curiosity. “Wow,” I said, handing the little bars of soap to her. “Look what the UPS guy just delivered!” She squealed and rummaged through the products, instructing me to display them nicely on our counter. She was so excited that it became pretty contagious. She was discussing the product with Jane, one of our regulars, and Jane and I were both becoming impressed with how “miracle working” it was supposed to be.

“Well, how much is it, Grace?” Jane asked.

“Eighty dollah,” she said without hesitation. My jaw dropped, and Jane was equally shocked. A bar of soap for 80 dollars! I would have found 8 dollars to be a bit high, but 80? Later, Grace checked and found out that the product that is supposed to sell for $80 has yet to come, and the bar of soap Jane and I had been looking at was actually $35. Still…

“It’s cleanser, not soap,” Grace kept correcting me. Still…

Then, Grace was REALLY nice and gave me a $10 sample bar of this cleanser to try for myself. Along with this bar, she told me to watch the CYCLIC promotional DVD. So I took the thing home and watched it. Almost the minute I started it, I wanted to laugh and post it on You Tube or something. It was a classic sales-promotional DVD that admitted at the very end (in very small print) that ‘some parts of this program have been dramatized via testimonials’.
It started with a leggy brunette who didn’t have an ounce of stage presence, but who did have a short green dress on that was 3 sizes too small. She smiled and began in her silky voice to tell her captive audience that she understood what it was like to want to look beautiful - because ALL women want to look beautiful! (I had a hard time imagining such a product gave her long legs a size 2 waist). She then flashed another dazzling smile and the screen shot out to take in all 245 pounds of a bald doctor who kept the exact same expression for the entire 5 minutes he talked about CYCLIC. There was an appropriately dull white background behind him - and maybe a palm plant or two. Next the screen shot through rapid pictures of a busy city area and an unknown person (probably the prior leggy brunette) interviewed countless women with flawless faces and asked them what they struggled with. Some of the questions asked were,

“How many products do you use now?”
And,
“Do you have body odor?”

These questions were posed to supposedly random women in a busy city street, and none of them batted an eyelash when it came to answering the questions.

Anyways, this product is supposed to do EVERYTHING. (Which, admittedly makes me skeptical.) It not only CAN, but WILL remove your makeup, reduce your acne, eliminate allergy rashes, reduce your calluses (which they spelled wrong in the pamphlet), take away foot odor, take away athletes foot, be used as underarm deodorizer, relieve you from itching skin (alert: mosquito bites!), and take away dandruff in your hair.

All of this is not so ridiculous if treated by a few different products, but to imagine one product handling them all? Well, I’ve never heard of it before. I have to admit it reminded me of that one commercial for, “Acne, Windows, and more.” Heh.

Well, then the leggy brunette gave another dazzling smile and she sat down gracefully on a couch and said, “And today we have with us…. (give me a name) Megan! Megan, it’s so fabulous to have you! I’m so glad to see you! Why don’t you tell the audience why you’re here today.” Now I am a very perceptive person when it comes to telling whether or not a person is genuine, and this brunette didn’t have a genuine bone (or brain) in her body.
Megan, on an opposing couch, adjusted her skirt and gave an equally ditzy smile and said, “Well, I am just so glad to be here,” there was a shared over-kill on the enthusiasm for them both. “I just wanted to say …” she breathed in passionately, “…to all you women out there… that all of your problems are over! This product….” I was laughing.

There were a few more interviews, in which one or two of the testimonials seemed more genuine and they actually had faces that looked like Grace’s. They looked smooth and supple and refreshed. I’m guessing those were the people who had not been chosen to dramatize their testimonial. Because, who out there would be willing to go on a DVD program and talk extensively about what HORRIBLE body odor they had until CYCLIC was applied to the right places? Right. I’m with you.

Basically there were a couple more scenes with the bald doctor and then the horrible DVD ended. I told Grace she should get her own testimonials. I encouraged, “You’ve got the right idea with forcing me to try the product. If it works on ME, you can take my picture and then make your own DVD/pamphlet.” There. That’s genuine. Then I’LL be the leggy brunette, and the whole world of CYCLIC customers will doubtless find me irresistibly genuine.

That of course is if I like the product. So far so good. I'm thinking if I do like it, I will call it Wonderbar, and take on a German accent just for kicks.

Anyways, so what else happened today? The security guard in our building had a rather rare bird jump in his hand while he was watering the flowers in front of our building. I learned this because he came into the shop to tell us about the little bird. I guess the bird had blue bands around its ankles and so my security guard friend and the manager of the building had to hold the bird upside down to read the number on the bands. (I can only picture a comical scene.) My security guard friend called the number and the guy who answered was almost in tears when he heard what bird had been found, and began immediately telling him how to care for the bird until someone could come pick it up. Come to find out, the pigeon sitting in a bucket in my building was one of the only females of its kind surviving and was worth 150 thousand dollars! What are the odds, huh? First a miracle bar of soap and then an ugly, expensive bird? I told my friend, “What are you still doing here? Why aren’t you running out that door with that bird and putting it on eBay?” Anyways, I got to pet the poor lame thing. I thought, “Hey, not bad! How awesome would it be to raise these things? And the money's not bad either…”

I went bowling! That’s rare for me. Bowling make me very insecure because I always get excited that I might make a strike and then the dumb ball goes in the gutter again and I have to turn around and face everybody’s polite faces. I hate that! But today I went with just my family, and I had so much fun! At the end I handed back my ugly bowling shoes to the bowling guy and he said, “How’d you do?” I smiled and crowed victoriously, “80! The best I’ve ever done!” That made my brother laugh because he considers himself very suave when it comes to bowling. He of course, won with ease, and I had to struggle with defeat. I really hate losing.

The last exciting thing that I did today was that I went to a Chinese buffet with my brother and I ate like NO American food! (another first for me). I tried a little bit of almost everything -- I even cracked into a lobster leg and tried to eat it. I was very proud of myself. The only problem with my dining experience was my bad fork. They gave me a bent fork that dug into my mouth funny every time I tried to eat with it. The only other options I had were either chopsticks or my knife. I was trying to eat rice with a chop stick and that was horrible, and I was tired of my brother laughing at me, so I used my knife. Why other option did I have? Besides, the thing was so dull that I was in no danger of cutting myself from eating the deliciously gooey pudding rice with a knife. But you should’ve seen the face of my Chinese waitress! She had a hard time with English and had been smiling politely all evening, but when she went by my table and saw me eating with my knife, she gave this guttural, “Oh!” and her oriental eyes went wide with shock. It was so funny! And I had forgotten I was even eating with a knife and just smiled at her. About five minutes later I realized why she had given me that shocked expression, hah, and I just started laughing and laughing, replaying that expression over and over in my mind. When I told my brother, he started laughing too, especially since rice and fruit began spilling out of my mouth. Then the guy in the table behind us like sneezed and there was like this big explosion and we started laughing harder. We ended the evening with fortune cookies.

“You took my fortune cookie,” I accused, and he shrugged cheerfully. I really said that as insurance, just in case I didn’t like the fortune I got. I ended up getting the better fortune, though, and when my brother asked to read it, he traded with me. “You’re right,” he explained, “I did get your fortune cookie.”

Anyways, that was my Friday.

"How to be a bad customer" for DUMMIES

I just ran across the greatest blog-article that I think you guys should read. It's purely satire, but it made me laugh. http://aplacecalledblog.blogspot.com/2007/07/you-should-be-more-enthusiastic-about.html

So, I decided to write a piece that deals with my end of things. While I myself have often been the customer who has been disgusted by the customer-service I recieved, I have also been on the other side of the counter. (In fact, I am 4 or 5 days out of the week). And there is nothing more tragic than being treated like dirt merely because every customer expects you to deliver bad service. There is the classic 'bad service' and the classic 'bad customer'. As you won't have to deal with being in the bad service end of things, I've decided to help you out. I'm going to turn all of you into worst possible bad customers! How fun is that?? ;)

In order to be a bad customer, you must realize that your place in this world is a very important one. Without you, phrases like "the customer is always right" and "get off the phone and order" would never have come about.

Your position in the fast-food industry is a serious one, because you are responsible for taking all of the problems you are having in your personal life out on the person(s) behind the counter. Remember, they are there to serve you, so have no qualms about being as unpleasant as possible.

Since you are obviously reading this because you want to learn how to be a bad customer, let's first run over a few rules. (These kinds of articles always require rules) I'll recount some personal experiences I've had with bad customers so you can know better how to be one.
We'll call you the 'bad customer' (BC) and me the 'bad service' (BS).

1) Keep your cell-phone glued to your ear at all times. When the BS asks you what you would like to order, talk animatedly into your cell and then mumble your order incoherently. Above all annoying things you could do, this annoys the BS the most. Good job!

2) Expect the worst from the BS. This gives you plenty of license to sneer superiorly at them if they have to ask for your order twice.

3) Try going into restaurants and confusing the BS as much as possible with your order. Tell them you would like mustard, and then when they put it on, order them to take it off. Guarantee they will either look annoyed or helpless, and then you can run home and write about the stupidities of the young in the food industry in your blog.

4) Make sure you let them know you're mad if they can't wipe all the mustard off fast enough.

5) If possible, bring along a purse or other voice-muffling paraphanalia and talk into it when ordering. Here it is also crucial that you get angry when they ask you to repeat their order.

6) Speak a different language.

7) Let the BS's know that if it weren't for the counter, you would be right up in their face.

8) Always demand. Never ask. Treat them as inhumanely as possible, because this is what they secretly expect.

9) Enter the establishment 2 minutes before closing time and sit down for a long luxurious meal.

10) Make small-talk as awkward as possible. This is a fun one. If someone actually makes the effort to talk and be friendly with you, stare at them until they feel so uncomfortable that they shutup.

11) Another option is to just laugh at them until they look insecure.

12) Oo- another good one is to give them clipped answers that keeps them going just enough that they eventually just drift off because the air is stiff with awkwardness and absolute lackage of things to say.

13) Better yet - ignore them. When they say "Hi, how are you?" just turn away.

14) Pretend to be deaf.

15) Be really friendly and laugh encouragingly at their jokes and then just before you leave give them the finger.

16) Insult them and then smile.

17) Take a friend along with you and discuss what you didn't like about the BS as you're leaving with your food.

18) Never look a BS in the eye when you're talking to them. It's best to look directly above their head at the menu when ordering.

19) Never, NEVER say thank you. Gratitude is the most shocking habit a BC could pick up on.

20) No matter what, never expect to find a friend when you're going into a food establishment. ALWAYS expect the BS to be a lousy teen who is working 3 jobs and has absolutely no self-esteem. Treat them with zero respect, because after all, you are the successful BC and they are only the next generation.

There. I think that's satisfactory.