NOW is the best moment

You know what's cool? I'm at a point in my life where I have $40 of liquid cash in my bank account and I actually don't NEED anything. I'm challenged by the show "Dating Rules from my Future Self" where the main character challenges her future self to believe that "now is the BEST moment". I can have 8 bucks in my back pocket and go wherever I want downtown with my friend Andrew....like I did last night! I can discover a new coffee shop that has freakishly high stairs and an amazing "hand" couch....like I did yesterday morning! I can decorate my house in free Christmas decorations and be SO proud of my little livingroom....like I did yesterday afternoon! I can take a nap right now and not have anyone waking me up or needing me to do something....which I'll do in a few minutes! I can have 12 days off work at a time before I have to put in time as an Administrative Assistant...which has been my life for the last few months! I can take pride in my schoolwork and literally spend months having someone pay special attention to my work...like I'm doing now!

The point is....I don't need to have anything else in my life to make "now" better. I don't need to get older to have a better life. I'm probably sexier now than I will be in 10 years. I have all this time on my hands and I have good health and I'm skinny and have straight A's. I don't need to "just reach that next milestone" to be happy. A life that is constantly spent in the clutches of disatisfaction with "now" is a life that never reaches satisfaction. It's a life running after the shoreline of a never-ending beach. It's a climb to find the end of space. It's a conditional happiness which is ruined the minute the "condition" is violated. It's a life that puts pressure on others to perform in such a way that pleases you. It's a life that tries to control elements that only God has business controlling.

God - I'm so silly sometimes. I know I don't say this much, but thank you for now.

Christmas in the City

So I was meeting up with a couple classmates downtown to go over our campaign ideas over coffee, and I discovered the most fascinating thing. When the sun goes down, downtown comes alive! I decided that there is something FAR more magical about downtown in the evening than there is during the day. As I left my coconutty latte cup in the underground coffee shop and emerged into the night air, I felt as if I had walked into another world....one fraught with trees connected by strings of white Christmas lights and tiny mom and pop shops selling their Christmas goods. This sales lady was laughing with her regulars and she was selling these ridiculous little shoe covers. I couldn't help but walk around a bit with constant happy sighs and my fists all bundled warmly in my pockets.

And as I got in my car, my hand fell of it's own accord to the "Seek" button on the radio. Suddenly my car was filled with "You better watch out, You better not cry! Santa Clause is comin to town!" And now I'm converted. It's not even Thanksgiving and I'm in the most beautiful Christmas spirit known to mankind.

Of course I came home singing and shaking my hips to imaginary sleigh bells and la-la-la'd my way into the house and my brother barks, "Can't you be quiet? I'm writing a paper, can't you see?" This was said with exceedingly frustrated hand motions in the air and his little neck stiffened to match the stiffness of his pursed lips.

I quietly shut his door and went to my room and dreamed of a world where I could fly above the city and look down and hear the hustle and bustle of Christmas. I dreamed that my radio-sing-along voice had been recorded and made famous worldwide. I dreamed that I didn't need a lover - I was in love with the world, hand in hand with a bright future and the laughter of all that is good and giving. I didn't need money in that moment to dream of home...of snow in Wisconsin...of my old friends...of my family...of all the anticipation that Christmas can possibly gift me with.

I am so blessed!

The psychology of what makes a guy "just a friend"

What makes me want to say to one guy I barely know, "Yeah, I would date you" and to another really close guy, "Let's just be friends"? It's a question I've been asking myself lately. And I think it boils down to three things-- chemistry, confidence, and respect. You either have it, or you don't.

I've got a potential problem and his name is Matt. My sophomore year I went out with him for a semester. At the end of the semester he emailed my bestie and asked if she thought I would say yes if he asked me to date him. I advised my best friend that I would say no. Didn't even have to think about it. Why? I really enjoyed hanging out with him. We had been to a lot of meals and outings. But in the end I didn't want to be more than friends.

Fast forward two years and Matt's back in my life with a little less hair. He's still just as nice and I really enjoy hanging out with him. He's encouraging and so far this semester he's asked me to study with him and then he bought me a really nice lunch and just wanted to talk. He was my date last night to a play and we got dressed up and laughed a LOT. I really enjoy talking to him because I know he listens and he cares and I can tell he just enjoys being with me. And then my brother meets him and has to open his big mouth and tell me that he thinks Matt's interested in being more than friends. And then Matt starts texting me alot today and asking me to go to coffee to study again. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Why do guys ruin things?? The fact remains that as much as I enjoy hanging out with him, there's no chemistry. And I think there's no chemistry because I don't really respect him. I respect his values and his morals. But he talks negatively about himself a lot and shared some huge flaws with me that made me see him as more of a friend and completely erased any thoughts beyond friendship. Honestly, if he were more confident about how attractive he is I would probably respect him more and be more attracted to him. Doesn't mean I would move out of the friend zone, but I'd certainly think about it. It's just a fact; confident guys flirt with girls more and make them feel sexy. And THAT'S what attracts me to a guy. Someone who knows who they are and knows what they want. But at the same time, guys who are demeaning in their confidence are not attractive. The key is to mix confidence with a good sense of humor. If you call your own hair sexy, girls KNOW you're joking, but it's cute and attractive. Don't become overly self-consumed. There should be a good balance between that humours confidence and absolutely making the girl of your dreams feel adored and special.

Maybe the same should go for girls. Maybe if we were more confident around the guys we actually liked they would start to see us in a "more than friends" light. I think the key is seeing that guy who is "too good" for you as someone who has flaws that are just waiting to be uncovered. Be confident that he is NOT "too good" for you. Be confident that you have something special and mysterious to offer and he would only be so lucky to get to know you. From the guys I've talked to, confidence is SUPER attractive to them, too.

So I think the psychology behind keeping a guy in the friend zone boils down to how a guy talks about himself. If he's bold in talking himself up, making the girl laugh, building her respect for him, and making her feel like she is the ONLY one in the world for him- she's going to start thinking about him differently. She's going to see him as someone who she'd be lucky to be with. She's going to start thinking about him without trying to. He's got to keep her guessing and not play all his cards or go to fast. It's starts with her thought process changing from friend to something more. But he's got to be intentional. He can't be asking the girl for advice about other girl's and then suddenly be turning to her for a date because he's out of options (been there). There is NOTHING more unattractive than that and guys who do that are going to get the fastest 'no' they've ever gotten in their LIFE. If she doesn't THINK of you that way and if she doesn't try to keep at least some of her flaws from you, then be very sure you're going to stay on the back burner, my friend.

Miss Popularity and Pity Dates

My Sophomore year I was Miss Popularity. So it stands to reason that I would be off-the-charts-popular my Junior year, right? Wrong! Sitting out for two years means all of your friends graduate and that leaves you sucking up to...the then Freshmen. Eeew. Anyways, everyone seems SO young to me now. Like I fit in just fine - people accept me. My hair is long now so I think it makes me look younger...and hopefully sexier haha. But I don't even feel like TRYING to climb this social ladder because that's like climbing over kids who just conquered potty training. On the upside, I enjoyed myself a lot more tonight at the games (my first game in 3 years) because I cared a little less who was there. As long as I had one friend (and I did) - then I was going to BE with that one friend and not be constantly concerned with my rise in popularity. Regardless of age, I do LOVE being around people and I'm just like the next person - I like it when people want to be around me. So my goal for next semester is just to get more involved and be more proactive on campus. I guess while I don't vye for popularity, a part of me still wants to get to know a lot of people.

Anyways, it's interesting how two years later I'm still dealing with the consequences of my dating life as a Sophomore. It's insane how many guys I've run into that I dated when I was here before. Tonight I unfortunately came face-to-face with the James era. I say unfortunately because I remember James being kind of a stalker-type who smothered me my Sophomore year. But when I saw him today he actually looked really hot, which was unnerving. I made the mistake of smiling at him really big last night when I was on a date with a different guy because I recognized him but couldn't remember where I knew him from. He smiled back like he was surprised and then I was like 'o crap' because I remembered him trying to woo me underneath the fireworks and how even Dan (my official stalker) thought he was too much. That was tough getting away from him then because he was SO insistent on dating me. And then tonight I went to the games and got there early to save a seat for my friend. I passed him and didn't acknowledge him and got a seat farther away than I wanted to, just to avoid him. Sure enough, 2 minutes after I found my seat he came over and sat by me and rehashed the last two years. He looked like he was getting pretty comfortable so I got up and claimed I was going to go get some coffee. Coffee's a good excuse - any time, any where. He goes, "Oh, I see, I'm boring you." I was like, "No, no absolutely not." And then I like RAN to the coffee tent. Unfortunately, they didn't have debit-card machines so I ducked around the side of the building like a dork to count out change because I literally knew he was watching me to see if I was just avoiding him. I ended up getting cold tea which I didn't even want because it was so so cold outside. Sure enough as I walked by the bleachers he tried to start up another conversation about why I had gotten tea and not coffee. So awkward. Anyways, James was a mistake. A now much cuter mistake, but still, a mistake. Honestly, I went out with three different guys named James and they were ALL pity dates. Sad, sad.

So, consequences. They'll happen. But I kind of want to make NEW mistakes this year, you know? Like I've had several guys reconnect with me that asked me out/went out with me my Sophomore year. But I've only had two totally new guys ask me out this year and bless their hearts they were both "absolutely not" moments. So yeah, and I've decided that Adam doesn't count as a mistake this year because I never even met him. And Jared doesn't count either because I met him on the internet. So, really, I haven't made very many NEW mistakes this year. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I should be avoiding pity dates.

And yet I KNOW this is horrible, but a small eensy beensy part of me enjoys pity dates because I always feel so much better about myself after some guy literally trips over himself to buy me dinner. I'm an awful, awful person. I shouldn't enjoy that. I would definitely say I have enjoyed pity dates far more than I've actually enjoyed REAL dates because on the pity dates I wasn't concerned with what he thought of me - I already knew he liked me and that I was out of his league. I could be myself and totally could make him feel great about himself. But when I'm sitting across from a guy I genuinely like, I freeze. I'm nervous about whether he likes me or not, or whether I'm good enough for him. It's crazy to think that maybe pity dates have conditioned me to send positive signals to guys I DON'T like and send negative signals to guys I DO like.

I'm pretty sure I'm right about that because there are two guys I've noticed on campus that I think are kind of cute and that I would probably say yes to if they asked me out. One of them I argue with all the time in my economics class - what is wrong with me? And the other one that seemed to kind of like me I've started to ignore because I don't know what to say around him.

Hopeless. Maybe instead of being concerned about receiving attention from others I should just bury my nose in my school books and let God worry about who's going to connect with me this year. Do I really trust him in every area? Maybe I need to give this completely to Him and just be open to accept any opportunities that He brings my way.

So there you have it. I'm an open book. Open to anything! Because I know God can protect me from more than pity dates...he can also protect me from my own poor judgment!

Project Early Graduation

I come bearing EXCELLENT news. Found out today I should be able to graduate in just two more semesters. So if I can just get through this one....

Ways I've schemed to graduate a semester early?
Take 18 credit loads
Do online summer classes
BEG my advisor to make an exception

Now I just gotta be up to the challenge to do classes that pre-require classes I haven't taken yet. Am I up for a challenge? AM I.

Down on my Luck

One day you forget about him and life is beautiful again. You're stronger for your loss. Then the next day someone reminds you of him, and you're painfully reminded of the great hope you'd had. You're thrown into survival mode. You're getting through the day, but your mind is 10,000 miles away, in a different year, in a different place, and in one pair of arms.

That's me. Trying to shake it off. Praying to God that He would just take this desire away from me because I CAN'T be with him. I think for the first time in a long time I'm hung up on a guy and he's not hung up on me. Or at least, he was until he was deployed. Then suddenly his voice became clipped and strained and he said there was no point in talking to me anymore. A man who was counting down the days to see me suddenly could barely say goodbye.

I can't tell you how incredibly DUMB I feel for still thinking about him. Dumb because he's preparing for war and things that are SO much bigger than dating me. Dumb because he's probably not thinking about me anymore. Dumb because my desire to spend time with him is SO small in comparison with the problems of the universe around me.

After work today I took a walk and then sat on a hill and watched the sun melt down behind the mountains. I found myself wanting to have an out of body experience. I wanted to be able to view myself from above and see how many other things are so important. The path I walk and the view before me is SO small compared to what God sees. The time I'm in and the time I look forward to is SO small compared to the time God surpasses. I know I trust Him. He sees all. So why does He allow me to keep feeling this way? Why is my heart so certain even though I know it's all so impossible?

Guess what. I WANT to shake this desire to be with him. But I don't want to be with anyone else. Does that make sense?

I used to be lucky in love. Guess I'm just down on my luck.

All I know is if our connection was truly as great as I think it was then he's going to think about me. If he does reach out to me again  I'll know it wasn't me forcing something non-existent to happen. It wasn't him responding to me and resenting me for pulling him back into a relationship. It was God truly working in something impossible. It was God.

So if God's not in it, I don't want it. And if God's not in it, He's going to take this desire away from me.

The Beauty of a Dye Job

There's nothing like a good dye job. Once dull tresses suddenly shine and bounce. Curling becomes more fun, hair drying feels more enriched, and hair-dos take new life. It all looks and feels so different. You look in the mirror and you see a new you and you're ready to charge into a day fraught with compliments. It's literally a chance to get re-checked out by those people that wrote you off as mousy.

Anyways, one of my friends came over tonight and I dyed her hair for her. I've never actually dyed any one else's hair before but now we can add that to my list of accomplishments....or attempts haha.

Not gonna lie - I'm a new fan of John Frieda's Precision foam hair-dye. I used the same dye on my hair and it was equally easy to self-apply and get through to the roots. Just remember to apply it to dry unwashed hair, follow the directions (tilt, don't shake and squeeze, don't pump), start your gloves with the roots and work to the ends, set the timer for 20 minutes, rinse with cool water until the water runs clear, and condition with cool water. Don't use shampoo for 24 hours after dyeing. I like to layer the sink with sliced grocery bags before dyeing to protect from dye splatters. To spare your towels you can also cut a hole in the bottom of a trash/grocery bag, put it around your neck and tuck it into your t-shirt. It's a good idea to put lotion around the edges of your face, neck, and behind your ears before dyeing to make sure your skin doesn't end up dyed as well.

And now I feel officially nauseous. My first crack at sounding like a cosmetology major. I confess. I shared my blog with someone who knows me. And now I hope they think I write only about hair dye and product....because the truth is not always so cut and dried (no pun intended).