Down on my Luck

One day you forget about him and life is beautiful again. You're stronger for your loss. Then the next day someone reminds you of him, and you're painfully reminded of the great hope you'd had. You're thrown into survival mode. You're getting through the day, but your mind is 10,000 miles away, in a different year, in a different place, and in one pair of arms.

That's me. Trying to shake it off. Praying to God that He would just take this desire away from me because I CAN'T be with him. I think for the first time in a long time I'm hung up on a guy and he's not hung up on me. Or at least, he was until he was deployed. Then suddenly his voice became clipped and strained and he said there was no point in talking to me anymore. A man who was counting down the days to see me suddenly could barely say goodbye.

I can't tell you how incredibly DUMB I feel for still thinking about him. Dumb because he's preparing for war and things that are SO much bigger than dating me. Dumb because he's probably not thinking about me anymore. Dumb because my desire to spend time with him is SO small in comparison with the problems of the universe around me.

After work today I took a walk and then sat on a hill and watched the sun melt down behind the mountains. I found myself wanting to have an out of body experience. I wanted to be able to view myself from above and see how many other things are so important. The path I walk and the view before me is SO small compared to what God sees. The time I'm in and the time I look forward to is SO small compared to the time God surpasses. I know I trust Him. He sees all. So why does He allow me to keep feeling this way? Why is my heart so certain even though I know it's all so impossible?

Guess what. I WANT to shake this desire to be with him. But I don't want to be with anyone else. Does that make sense?

I used to be lucky in love. Guess I'm just down on my luck.

All I know is if our connection was truly as great as I think it was then he's going to think about me. If he does reach out to me again  I'll know it wasn't me forcing something non-existent to happen. It wasn't him responding to me and resenting me for pulling him back into a relationship. It was God truly working in something impossible. It was God.

So if God's not in it, I don't want it. And if God's not in it, He's going to take this desire away from me.