What makes me want to say to one guy I barely know, "Yeah, I would date you" and to another really close guy, "Let's just be friends"? It's a question I've been asking myself lately. And I think it boils down to three things-- chemistry, confidence, and respect. You either have it, or you don't.
I've got a potential problem and his name is Matt. My sophomore year I went out with him for a semester. At the end of the semester he emailed my bestie and asked if she thought I would say yes if he asked me to date him. I advised my best friend that I would say no. Didn't even have to think about it. Why? I really enjoyed hanging out with him. We had been to a lot of meals and outings. But in the end I didn't want to be more than friends.
Fast forward two years and Matt's back in my life with a little less hair. He's still just as nice and I really enjoy hanging out with him. He's encouraging and so far this semester he's asked me to study with him and then he bought me a really nice lunch and just wanted to talk. He was my date last night to a play and we got dressed up and laughed a LOT. I really enjoy talking to him because I know he listens and he cares and I can tell he just enjoys being with me. And then my brother meets him and has to open his big mouth and tell me that he thinks Matt's interested in being more than friends. And then Matt starts texting me alot today and asking me to go to coffee to study again. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Why do guys ruin things?? The fact remains that as much as I enjoy hanging out with him, there's no chemistry. And I think there's no chemistry because I don't really respect him. I respect his values and his morals. But he talks negatively about himself a lot and shared some huge flaws with me that made me see him as more of a friend and completely erased any thoughts beyond friendship. Honestly, if he were more confident about how attractive he is I would probably respect him more and be more attracted to him. Doesn't mean I would move out of the friend zone, but I'd certainly think about it. It's just a fact; confident guys flirt with girls more and make them feel sexy. And THAT'S what attracts me to a guy. Someone who knows who they are and knows what they want. But at the same time, guys who are demeaning in their confidence are not attractive. The key is to mix confidence with a good sense of humor. If you call your own hair sexy, girls KNOW you're joking, but it's cute and attractive. Don't become overly self-consumed. There should be a good balance between that humours confidence and absolutely making the girl of your dreams feel adored and special.
Maybe the same should go for girls. Maybe if we were more confident around the guys we actually liked they would start to see us in a "more than friends" light. I think the key is seeing that guy who is "too good" for you as someone who has flaws that are just waiting to be uncovered. Be confident that he is NOT "too good" for you. Be confident that you have something special and mysterious to offer and he would only be so lucky to get to know you. From the guys I've talked to, confidence is SUPER attractive to them, too.
So I think the psychology behind keeping a guy in the friend zone boils down to how a guy talks about himself. If he's bold in talking himself up, making the girl laugh, building her respect for him, and making her feel like she is the ONLY one in the world for him- she's going to start thinking about him differently. She's going to see him as someone who she'd be lucky to be with. She's going to start thinking about him without trying to. He's got to keep her guessing and not play all his cards or go to fast. It's starts with her thought process changing from friend to something more. But he's got to be intentional. He can't be asking the girl for advice about other girl's and then suddenly be turning to her for a date because he's out of options (been there). There is NOTHING more unattractive than that and guys who do that are going to get the fastest 'no' they've ever gotten in their LIFE. If she doesn't THINK of you that way and if she doesn't try to keep at least some of her flaws from you, then be very sure you're going to stay on the back burner, my friend.
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