For the past five years I've written pretty much every night. I'd get through my day and I'd make a decision - do I pillow my head and be unable to recall tomorrow what I did today - or do I write about it? So although I haven't written here, I've written. Page after page - now collecting dust in wide-ruled 10 cent notebooks in my parents attic. It has driven me and constantly made me think - wait, could I be doing more with my life? I don't live at my parents anymore. Yay - I can finally say that! I can also say that I've broken up and been broken up with. I've "dropped out" of college and gone back to college. I've been a financial counselor, a translator, a nanny, a photographer, a tutor, a barista, a billionaire - o wait, not that last one.
I can't write about the last 5 years. I like to write every night for a reason - undiagnosed short-term memory loss! But I CAN write about today. Today I bumped into an old friend - ok a really cute old classmate. He reminded me of freshman year, cutting up in class, writing lame sonnets to each other, always giving the English 103 literature teacher a different interpretation to "chew" on that he had never heard before. Nate asked me out to an artist series event but I had already agreed to go with someone else. I always wondered, how would that night have gone differently if I had just said - what the heck, you're more fun? Instead, my date accidentally took me to the men's restroom line and I ended up getting felt up that night by a guy who thought my leg was his girlfriend's leg. I think I deserve a do-over.
Anyway, eventually, he got in his circle and I got in mine and I forgot about him until last week when I ran into him while I was on a date (I tried to act like I didn't see him). Then today in a coffee shop I ran into him again, swallowed my pride, and said hey. It was like the sun rose twice today - he just brightened up my day. Then I ran across his blog tonight -- it's just as old as mine is. I forgot how good he was at writing and it inspired me. It made me think....why not share what I'm writing since I'm going to write anyways. There's really no point in hiding it - I've become sickeningly interesting with all my insights on life - it's a little selfish to keep that to myself, don't you agree? :)
Where I am now, I'm a little starved for people. Like, there are people everywhere, but then again they are just masses of PEOPLE - everywhere. When I ran into Nate tonight, I'm just positive I was too much. His energy fed off my energy and vice versa and it was like an atomic bomb of energy. I'm so used to being around people that lately in the last couple weeks I'm just WEIRD around people. I'm too excited to be their friend! I probably shouldn't be working at a funeral home.... Oh yeah, I work at a funeral home now. Relax, I work at a cubicle writing obituaries. I confess- I just started working there and I still get a little freaked out. But it's a job! Still, no late hours for this girl!!
The crazy thing with my whole mulling over friendships is that I'm totally cool with solitarity. I like my space...my independence. I almost like my plain-Jane moments with my notebook and my coffee and my old glasses. In that moment I'm free to be anything. I'm not cut from a mold or desiring the interference of society to form me into a certain trophy. But then again, I need people. When I'm with people - my world brightens! I see purpose in the world - to help others. I am thrilled to be recognized, to build relationships, and to make a difference. Some (like my brother's dumb friend) would say that's a defect - a flaw. I'd say it's who I am. I'd say that people are my life. THere is nothing sadder in my mind than wasting a day. A day filled with ONLY knowledge and education and training and money is a day lost. A day forging relationships is a day I can leave behind, confident that it's ok if it's my last.
Oh my. My brother's friend just texted me and said his new plan to woo girls is - "Look nice, smell nice, BE nice." This is the same friend that brought peach pie over tonight for movie night. I literally felt like I was selling my body in return for peach pie. To me there is nothing attractive about sweatpants and a t-shirt (which is why I wore them!). But he had already seen the movie and was just....watching me. I even called him out on it and then he spends the rest of the night texting me telling me all my flaws and how he's totally over me now.
There will always be haters. There will be those people that want you to be just like them. I say break free, don't be pottery - mold it, don't chase dreams - make dreams come true for others, don't divide your heart - multiply it.
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