A Crying Shame

There will always be that girl who is prettier than you. There will be the coworker who has years of experience that you won't have for, well...several years. There will be the world class whatever that can outclass and outshine and outdo you until you're blue in the face.

You're given these tools and one day you look down at the two hands God gave you and you think, "It's just not enough!"

I had that kind of day yesterday. I've always been pretty well-rounded, but that also comes with the curse of being average at pretty much everything. As a result, while I may be working hard at a lot of different things, I never excel at any one thing.

So, having my hand in so many pots, I find myself this semester in a TV class - with no experience, whatsoever. I've been feeling pretty good about being in front of the camera for my class project, but when I went to go practice yesterday in the TV studio, this little freshman was in there and no matter how nice I was, she snubbed me like I was dirt. No big deal - I shook it off and thought, "She's probably like 18. Who cares if her complexion is flawless and she looks like she just stepped out of a beauty pageant. I'm 22 - those things don't bother me anymore."

Wrong. I got in front of the camera to do weather and unfortunately I could SEE myself as I pointed at the stupid little suns on the national map. It was all I could do to not stop the show to use the projected screen as a mirror and change like EVERYTHING about myself. My bangs were in this awkward between stage, my face had broken out the day before, my shirt suddenly looked dumpy....it was BAD. Then of course she floats on as weather and anchor next, and I couldn't help but think that even when she messed up it was perfect.

I'm reminded of a story my mom told me when I was a girl. She lived in a tiny village in the mountains of Kentucky and she was the star pianist of the church and school there. One day she met a man and she followed him to a college in Greenville, SC (incidentally the same college where I attend now). She waltzed into the music department expecting to overwhelm it with her talent, only to find that she was insanely out-talented. Personally, I wouldn't have felt jealous because I would DIE if I had to dedicate my life to hours of music!

But it was her THING and it ate her up. No matter how hard she tried, she felt smaller and smaller every day. But later when she returned to her little mountain village with her husband, she realized a very important thing. Those virtuoso's could be as talented as they wanted, but that talent wasn't going to help the village where my mom lived, because they were all somewhere else. The point is that my mom was needed, and she couldn't just give up because she wasn't as talented as someone thousands of miles away. God gave her a unique opportunity and a unique set of talents that were just what she needed. Who knows, if God HAD given her more talents, she may have been summoned to a different place, a different time, a different husband, a different daughter (a real SHAME on that last one). He knew exactly what she needed.

And it's true that God has given me everything I need, too. The girl that's prettier and better and wittier is not omnipresent. God knows I'm going to be in situations that she'll never face someday - and they're going to need me, not her. They're going to need my unique perspective, my sense of humor, my well-roundedness (hopefully referring to my future talents, not shape).

So I can't just give up.

Does it suck that I haven't reached a state of perfection by 22? Heck, yeah. Am I shocked that I'm not perfect by now? YES. But God knows that if I DID have that perfect face, I maybe would be in a whole different place, different time, different future man, different future children. To throw out my imperfections and miss out on His best? Now THAT would be a shame.

D+ Campus Strictness

So I've been trying to hold it in. I've been telling myself, DON'T write about it. But since I'm operating under a pseudonym, I finally feel the freedom to get it off my chest.

My school is rated on campus prowler as a D+ on strictness. Underneath that rating, several students from my college wrote how thankful they were for the rules, how they didn't like them at first, but how the rules MOLDED them. I'm here to tell you that those people who commented have already graduated and they can speak with such calm wisdom because the rules no longer affect them.

Admittedly when I wasn't a student here for a spell, the rules became pretty foggy and honestly they didn't bother me that much while I was on campus.

At my former job, people used to tease me for being so conservative. I always dressed up - slacks and a blazer - I wanted to dress for the job I wanted, not the job I had. I was a college sunday school teacher, a representative for my employer in the community, a hispanic children's church teacher, and an active member of our Bible Study. Life had its ups and downs for sure - but of one thing I was confident--I LOVED being a Christian. I didn't drink to have fun- didn't need to. My relationship with God was constantly top priority, my focus was on learning more of HIM, I was in love with spending time with God's people, and I was constantly inviting people to join me.

Then I came back. My teachers are awesome. I'm half-way through the semester and I feel like I'm getting a truly quality education. And then the administration opens their mouth. Instantly, I feel like a child. Not only do they severely regulate what I wear on-campus, but they regulate what I wear OFF-campus--in my own neighborhood, at my off-campus work, at the grocery store, and even behind the girl's dorms. The latest thing that ticks me off? I just got an email saying that we needed to go into campus and have the Dean of Women check all pants that we plan to wear off-campus. WOA. I'm looking at my closet literally thinking - where do I start? When did this become the job of the university?

The worst part is that the administration is constantly reminding us that we are not to post any complaints on facebook or anywhere public. We are strictly told never to speak to the press (that's normal for most organization's, but here it just seems like another ploy to keep us silent). I'm all about looking at the positive side of things and shutting up when you want to complain. But do they really have to put "do not complain" in the form of a sermon? They should probably just say, "Hey, we know we have a D+ rating on strictness and our enrollment numbers are down, so please help us appear better to the next generation of students by not telling them what it's really like."

So I go from in love with God and absolutely loving the involvement I could have in my church to....dreading the stiffness of church. It's like you sit in those pews and you can just FEEL the obligation. Everyone is OBLIGED to be there. There's no heart!! There's no waving of hands or singing it out on the chorus. There's just a stiff suit up there telling the congregation to keep up with a hymn that should have been quietly laid to rest about 10 years ago.

The thing that gets me is that everyone is so focused on having a "Christian spirit" - so any freedom of speech is actually frowned on. Men are the leaders, women are to prepare to be good submissive wives. I actually agree that men should be the leader in the home and I constantly am learning that I SHOULDN'T be in control. I gladly hand over the reigns. But this spirit of quietness feels smothering! The administration is so obviously working hard to increase numbers. But I as the prospective student would be looking at three things - accredidation, finances, and balance.

Regarding balance, when I'm choosing a school, I want to know - do you guide me so I can learn what is appropriate in society? Do you teach me what is professional? Do you encourage me to pursue Christ? In this way rules are SO good - because I don't want to be on a campus where I'm being pressured to do wrong things. But I'm also wanting to know - do you treat me like an adult? Do you let me make my own decisions about things that are not explicitly stated in scripture as being wrong? Does God REALLY hate what I would choose to do, or do YOU just not like it? Are you sexist?

It's a bold thing to say, but I'm going to say it. I'm convinced if my school were led by women, it wouldn't have quite so many rules for women. I.E. The majority of strict rules are regulating the women, NOT THE MEN. Notice, the women were asked to get their pants checked, not men. Imbalance? But since we all have such a quiet spirit, no one's actually going to raise this point because then we would be branded as an unsubmissive, unchristian woman.

I want to stop complaining and just do something constructive about it. I really want to pray about it, go to the administration and speak the truth in love as to WHY their numbers are down. But then they would know my name....

All I can say is that the difference between the freedom to be a Christian and the obligation to be a Christian is so stark - I am astonished at the way it affects even me. Let the black sheep show their colors! Then you have less hypocrites!!

All I can say is that I won't be inviting anyone to join my new Christian circle any time soon.

Alone...or am I?

Silence. In this moment I feel panic. I feel small. I see faceless crowds. I reach for my phone, feeling the need to text someone, anyone. I have the constant need to feel connected.

And then I remember.

"My Grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness." 2 Cor 12:9a

I put my phone down. I listen again. I hear the rustling of autumn trees. A bird begins trilling and chirping. There's traffic in the distance. I hear more than just people's voices--three girls are talking about their weekend, two businessmen are discussing private student loan options, and a mixed group is trying to quiz each other before the next hour. They are individual people. It's ok that they don't know me. The sun is shining and warming my shoulders. The breeze blows my hair. I see mountains in the distance.

"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weakness so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Cor 12:9b

I take this moment to stop, quiet my mind, and talk to God. He made me. He allows every circumstance. Instead of changing those circumstances, He teaches me through them. The circumstance I'm in right now? Nothing horrible actually-- just loneliness. And it's not for lack of people. It's the addiction I have to constant attention.

Guess what God's teaching me? It's not all about me. It's ok to play a background scene, or be a supportive friend, or do the kind thing and say no to a guy. I don't always need to be the director or the talent. I can be just as at peace in God's grace to be alone as I can be at peace to forge ahead into this unknown future.

In the end, I trust His plan. I don't want to. But I choose to.

Single in a Crowd

Single in a crowd,
You single me out,
Your eyes find mine
My eyes close.
I've known too many men
My eyes are trying to say
I respect you too much
To screw it up.
My arms are strangely open
To the ones I don't value.
If I'm not letting you in
It's because you have the power
To hurt me.
I enjoy adoration
From all the wrong men.
I struggle in the crowd
To look up.
I'm stepping outside of His will
I welcome the rain
Outside of His umbrella
I seek instead a path of my own
But I can't find a place
Where He can't find me
I walk past so many umbrellas
And I wish I had the courage
To trust Him.
To wait for you.
To know I don't need a crowd.
And I don't need to look for you.
I need only look up,
And find that the restricting umbrella
Is really a rainbow.

Try not to hate me...

Don't hate me. But today I was kind of one of those people I like to hate. Two things I hate the most: good test-takers and players.

I literally asked today during tallying up our test grades in class, "Can you get more than a 100% on this test?" Like I tried to think of a way to say it and NOT sound snotty - because I NEVER get the 100% and all four bonus points! The girl next to me sounded pretty confident that if I phrased it that way it wasn't going to sound snotty. From the collective groan of the class, I clearly failed. So I failed SOMETHING today. haha Anyways, so that was a cloud 9 feeling. I think I've become a better test/quiz taker. Two years sitting out has been good for me!

Then tonight I had some friends over. Well, I threw a party. It was small - like 8 people. But it was a success. I AM NOT A PARTY THROWER. I'm like a coffee maker and a sweat-pants wearer. At the party was N - that old friend I ran into. Also at the party was A, my "ex" (if you can call it that cuz it was so long ago) who is now engaged. Also there was D who would do anything for me and asks me out regularly. When my girlfriends that came were asking me if I was into N (who used to be into me and I think he's just a friend now), I said no. They asked if he's who I went to lunch with - no that was two different guys. My friends asked if that's the guy I've been seeing this last month. No, that's J. Do you see what kind of bullet J is dodging. I kind of cooled things with J this last week. Feeling like I'm sparing him since I'm not completely able to overlook some things about him.

So....I'm a test-acing, party-throwing player? No, I think the last 22 years of my life mean a little more than the last 24 hours. By tomorrow I'll be back to my average-brained, inconspicuous, non-dramatic life. The monster I created today is temporary, so you really CAN'T hate me, can you?

I'll be dancing

There's something about the end of a long day and... swing music on Pandora. Don't be so surprised. It makes me want to dance! I would totally swing dance in a sexy dress. How different can it possibly be from zumba (besides the fact that I wouldn't be wearing sweat pants and tennies haha)? :)  And then....a gain commercial comes on - really?? Magical air dies.....

So my brother and I are throwing a party Monday. By we I mean me. And by party I mean 6 people. He hates people - I love them. We balance each other out. :) So far on the agenda for the party is....pizza and board games. Remember I go to a conservative college! Honestly, though, even if I wasn't hemmed in by rules and regulations, there wouldn't be beer at my party anyway. I've never started drinking and have zero desire to start. So yeah I have abolutely nothing of substance planned. Guess I'll just have to rely on my ingenious witt to entertain people. Heh.

Guess what, being positive today was HUGE. My morning started that way and it just got better all day! By night time I feel like dancing! But that may have something to do with the swing music, too. When I get married someday there's going to be dancing. Even if everyone that comes is super conservative and I'm the only one tapping out to a tune - I'll be dancing.

It's all about Attitude

Attitude Check.

Why am I in school? To study.
Is it my school's problem that I had a crappy day? No.
Is it my school's fault that I feel out of touch with every person on campus? No. I sat out for two years and everyone graduated. It happens.

I blamed all the wrong people today.

It was a crappy day. A test, three quizzes, a negative nancy lunch, a tired mind and body. But was it because of my circumstances or because of my attitude toward my circumstances?

Attitude: Today sucked.
Fact: God made today perfect.
Fact: I often get in the way and forget to just trust God for every day things.
Fact: Even when I feel like God is far away, how can I go from his Spirit, or how can I flee from his presence? If I ascend up into the heavens, he's there. If I make my bed in hell, behold he is there. If I take the wings of the morning or dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there will his hand lead me, his right hand will hold me. (adaptation from Psalms).
Fact: God allows hard things to draw me to him.
Fact: Today wasn't even hard! It was just crappy and I let it get to me.

Attitude: Facebook engagement updates are making me sick lately.
Fact: I don't need to have life 100% figured out - God works in that department, not me.
Fact: Believing the worst in people never brings out the best in people. Sometimes my poor attitudes are self-fulfilling prophecies.

Attitude: I'm not satisfied with my current relationship.
Fact: I don't need a relationship to make me happy. God IS enough.
Fact: God's clock keeps perfect time.
Fact: I DO say yes too easily to guys. I think I'm doing them a favor by saying yes initially, but really I'm hurting them in the long run because I eventually have to say no...
Fact: Life is NOT the same without girlfriends. So thankful for the close and long-distance besties who lift me up in prayer and laughter.

Attitude: I don't want to study or go to bed.
Fact: I'm an average student and an even more-average test-taker. STUDY. We don't always have the luxury of doing what we want.
Fact: Go to bed.

Some times I just need a healthy reminder. Big picture? Tomorrow is a NEW day. God made it! I'm gonna rejoice and be glad in it. It's not the circumstances, it's my attitude towards them. For every negative thing, I'll think of two positives. I'm going to be revoltingly positive you might want to stay clear. :)