To someone who is not me, they might wonder how someone can reach the age of 23 and not have lost their virginity. People ask themselves if something is "wrong" with him/her because they haven't lost it yet. Society tells us that it's a shame if you haven't lost it yet, but that you are also a slut if you've given it away carelessly. Rarely do you hear that it is a beautiful thing to lose it to your husband or wife. There is a fascination with selling quick, easy, no-strings-attached sex. And it's nothing new.
I write this post, not as a holier-than-thou Christian virgin. I write it as a girl who struggles just as much as the next person. I write it as a girl who has too easily allowed men to touch her and has definitely had opportunities to lose it and been asked to lose it. I write it as a girl that has deeply believed since she was a teen that she wants to save herself for her husband, and yet she has allowed herself to come as close as you can to losing it.
Christian dating couples struggle just like any other couple. I'll never forget the day my best friend called me up and said she lost her virginity to her boyfriend. She said she didn't see the point in waiting anymore because he loved her and they belonged together. Another friend I grew up with used the same logic. She said they had committed themselves to each other, so in the eyes of God they were practically married. How is making it legal important? These are two Christian girls I grew up with that had encouraged me to wait until marriage. It was so important to them once. And then a man became important to them, a common thing in any age or culture. And he was more important than their belief in what God called good and right.
So I'm faced with this thought. Would God be okay with me losing my virginity as long as I feel committed to someone? As long as I love them and they love me? As long as we talk about getting married someday? I'll still be a Christian even if I do this. God will forgive me if I regret it later. So why wait?
This led me this morning to read Romans 6. It says, "What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it? Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death?....We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin."
This is a great question. How is it that I have been saved from sin and yet I still struggle with my flesh? Sometimes I feel like I'm one part Child of God and one part sex slave. How is this possible?
"Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace."
This verse helps me understand that while I have been forgiven for my sins, I am still human. I still have basic human desires like anyone else. Any one of my desires could be used for evil if I let that desire "reign" over my body. I could abuse my natural desire to eat, to find beauty, to work hard, and to love. I'm not supposed to just hand myself over because the pressure is too great and my reasoning is too powerful. I'm not supposed to let sin have dominion over me. I know what is sin now will be beautiful in marriage. But how can I be strong with him when I am so weak even just thinking about him?
"For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed?"
What fruit did I get? Pretty much just regret and a bad thought life. I think back to the past boyfriends I had before this one. And a couple of them were sure we would be married, so I let them touch me. And another one wanted to just "see where things would go" and I still let him touch me. And when things ended, I big time regretted it. Those guys belong to other women and I have left them with those images and memories. I stole their first kiss and first love from their future marriages.
"For the end of those things is death. But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."
What a stark contrast. If I continue to pursue what feels good in the moment, even when I know it is wrong in God's eyes, there will be consequences. My best friend never did get that proposal...until she was three months pregnant. And then after she bought her wedding dress, she lost the baby. I'm thankful to say they still got married and after a couple years just had their first baby girl. She is adorable! In talking to her, she said to wait. She and her husband will be together forever - she looks back and thinks 'why not wait'. My other friend was not allowed to return to school because she got pregnant over Christmas break and they eloped. She has a wonderful husband and adorable son, but she talks with regret that she was never able to finish her education, she never had the big church wedding, and she was a stay-at-home mom before she was ready.
So we talked about it. And why even talk about sex or flirt with the idea of sex when neither of us truly believes it is right to engage in premarital sex? I think that's the first step. When thoughts arise and the flirtation and physical goes too far, we have to be willing to pray for God's help to think on things that are true, right and pure. Because alone, we are too weak. We need prayer because we need His help.
The next step is probably not allowing ourselves to be in situations where we know we are weakest: alone, in bed, or at night.
And thirdly, if we're really serious about saving ourselves for marriage, then we shouldn't have to fight the battle alone. We need someone to keep us accountable. Somehow, some way. As annoying as it would be to get a call in the middle of a date or to have a chaperone semi-nearby....we can't trust ourselves to always be strong when our connection is so much stronger.
I want to someday be able to walk down the aisle and hold hands with my husband and not cringe when the pastor refers to our purity in holy matrimony. I want to look into his eyes with anticipation, not regret. I want our child to be born in joy and security, not sorrow and remorse. I want to look my teenage daughter in the eyes and say it is worth waiting and that with God's help I did it and so can she. I want to use sex with my husband as an expression of both love and commitment (after marriage), not lust and self-love (before marriage). I think it's okay to be innocent and surprised by everything after marriage. Unlike what popular society says, I don't have to be a knowledgeable expert going into it. Just like some people explore and learn about sex before marriage, we can explore and learn together after marriage with no guilt.
Yes, I love him. Yes, we want to be together. Yes, we already feel committed together. Yes, we are both physically and emotionally ready for sex. Yes, the only thing between us and marriage is simple, agonizing time. A year, to be exact. But God was still very clear, no matter what our circumstances or exceptions. We as a culture have changed, but God hasn't changed.....
God said...
Hebrews 13:4 ESV
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.
Ephesians 5:1-33 ESV
Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. ...
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