Wanting to be sorry

I want to be sorry.....

Sometimes I hate how high my drive is. Or maybe I just drink too much caffeine.

The fact remains that I love to be busy, get ahead, and stay late. But not everyone does. And that's okay. God allowed me to take a different path than most college-age kids. This doesn't mean my path is better. It just means it was the best path for me.

That being said, I push people. Generally, I just have an idea for improvement and throw it out there. If they want my help, I help. If not, it's o.k. I'm not invested in their lives, so I can walk away. But with Andrew, I am invested in his life. I have a hard time walking away from things I see that I could maybe help. And I'm finding I have to find the balance between pushing him to be his best and pushing him away.

Today I sat through two corporate meetings and as usual felt inspired by the big picture. I heard about med students all day. I got to hear so many things when they were just ideas....before they even happened. It's inspiring. But it's also frustrating. I want so badly to get into the trenches and do things instead of just talking about them. I love hands-on work. I love being given a problem and finding the solution. Today I just felt valued, useful, and sad to be finishing my internship.

I think since I was feeling so inspired/useful/semi-successful, I had higher expectations of my boyfriend's success when I talked to him. I felt like our conversation went mostly like this:

"How's Australia?"

"It's good. I love you."

I love that he loves me. I love him, too! I want to tell him every day and vice versa. But I feel like there's more to his life and I feel so cut off from it right now. Suddenly, my high-energy drive and his night-time falling-asleep chatting collided horribly. I just wanted to hear details of how he's being successful where he is. What challenges did he face and how did he overcome them? What difficult camper did he have and how did he counsel them? What burden does he have and how is he seeking to fulfill it? What relationship in the team has he struggled with and how is he actively seeking to improve it? Does he just run away from problems, dread them and avoid talking about them? Or does he embrace them as a learning experience? All I hear him saying is that he wants to be with me. Which is great, but - again, I feel cut off from his real life....like my relationship growth with him is stunted by sweet nothings and there's no real life to hear him work through. And I feel  concerned that he doesn't tackle problems like I do. Is it good, is it bad? I don't know.

Life is filled with problems. I embrace them and love them because it's a challenge and a thrill to solve them. I love talking about what problems I've faced and how I've conquered them beyond people's expectations. But I think he views problems differently. Like he mentions them but never how he's seeking to solve them. Problems are always just something that's getting him down. It's not an opportunity. I don't understand that thought process.

The crazy thing is, I don't care what kind of success he has. He doesn't have to be a doctor or a medic or an anything. I just want to hear him take pride in his work. I want him to tell me specific ways that he's made a difference being there in that day. I want to hear his struggles, yes, but I also want to hear how he is handling those struggles. A couple weeks ago he was bursting with confidence and details on how his week was going, and I loved hearing it. I could tell he felt good about his work. He took pride in and I took pride in him. Does he not tell me details because they're all bad and he feels like he can't do anything about them? I guess that's what I assume. I have a feeling I assume the worst. Poor guy.

Sometimes I wish I could poke around and live inside his mom's head for a day. I don't have the same luxuries she's had. I didn't get to see his work ethic, his GPA, his relationship with employers or his accomplishments growing up. I just have this blind faith that he worked hard in school, can get good references, and that someday he can get a good job. I have no idea what kind of worker he is but the crazy thing is that I blindly love him, no matter what he becomes. I know from what I've seen he takes responsibility and he works hard. It's just that all I see is this narrow fragment of his life. He tells me big picture what he wants to do. But how can he have success in his dreams down the road if he doesn't take pride in his work now? How can I sit by and say nothing?

Success is so important to me. I'm focused, task-driven, and goal-oriented. Is that wrong? I feel like I'm every boss' dream but that those same qualities make for nightmares in a relationship.

Am I crazy? I just love to hear new reasons to be proud of him. I'm always proud of him, though. I'm proud that he graduated. I'm proud to be his. I'm proud of how good he is at expressing his love. I'm proud to be with him. I'm proud that he's in Australia working so hard even though he'd rather be here.

If I were him I would be upset with me. I mean he's working his butt off half-way around the world and I have the nerve to say he doesn't have a high enough drive just because I had a great, highly-motivated day. So I completely get it and I don't blame him.

But at this point I can't sincerely say I'm sorry. But I'm going to sleep on it and pray on it. Because I want to do whatever I have to do to make it right. Even if it means shutting up.