Separation: Everyone reacts differently

For a lot of people, the end of a school semester means freedom. But for the majority of dating people at my school, it means separation. Ironic, right? We all go to a Christian university where we're not allowed to touch. Summer comes, the gloves come off, but we all live 1500 miles apart from each other. The sexual tension builds so much that by the time graduation hits, every one is dying to get married. Genius.

I received a call today that left me almost reaching for tissues. It was a call from one of my best friends. For her, summer had already meant a break up. The reason? He went on a 2 1/2 week missions trip and when he came back, he didn't feel the same way about her. She got the break-up call after she had already mailed him a love letter every day he was gone and also sent him a package full of his favorite candy. UM. That made me mad.

Everyone reacts differently to separation. Honestly, when I set foot on the plane to fly to Antigua this summer, I wasn't sure how I would feel about my boyfriend when I returned. I'd never been away from him. If he was like 95% of the guys I've dated before, I would be completely content to leave him behind. I would flirt shamelessly with the other guys I met, and I would be noncommittal to all. But from the first step on the plane until the last step off the plane, I missed him desperately. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but there was one day when I didn't even want to get out of bed. The whole two weeks I was gone, I couldn't communicate with him at all. I just wanted to be with him. I didn't need other guys. If I talked to them, Andrew always came up. I wore his shirts, volunteered him to beat up guys who bothered me, and for every desktop picture that I stood in front of, I wished he was there seeing it with me. It was SO surprising to come home and find out that he had driven to be with me even though he was worried I wouldn't want to see him or wouldn't be in love with him anymore. Separation had the same effect on him.

And now it's his turn. He's gone, experiencing the world. And I'm struggling through the down time. I'm re-reading old letters and memories I penned in my journals. I breathe in sharply every time I read about the first time he touched me. I get tickled all over again when I read the ways he ticked me off or the ways he tried to make things up to me. I feel special again when I remember the times he has made me feel special. And I just think about him. A lot. I think about that song by Taylor Swift called "Stay, Stay, Stay". That song is us.

So for me, with the right guy, separation means my feelings for him grow stronger. It means that I don't like to travel without him. I don't like movie night without him. I don't like coming home without him. I don't like any other guy touching me. Like the song says, "I just like hanging out with you all the time. All those times that you didn't leave it's been occurring to me I would like to hang out with you for my whole life."

It's scary to be so happy

We haven't said those words yet. But in an effort to avoid writing a legal brief for class, I'm here. My little fingers are furiously typing on this wretched Dell keyboard on keys that have known me since my freshman year in 08. And I see his smile. The way he looks at me. The way he encourages me. The way he's so patient with me.

And I love him.

But I don't say it because I'm afraid I'll mess it up. It's the only reason I try to deny that I love him. It's scary to be so happy. But last night I was grading his paper and ripping it apart, and I gave him a merciful A-. And he says, "Babe, what would you really give me?" And I wasn't thinking and said "my heart haha". He said "would you really?" And I said "if you want it". Anyways he wanted it, and then we did this really sappy exchange of hearts over text. It's really sickening in the light of day but last night it seemed really sweet. UG. WHAT IS HE TURNING ME INTO????

He said he's glad I don't remember single life and he's going to do his best to keep me from ever experiencing it again. Let's just say he has said a minimum of 5 times that he wants to marry me and give me his last name. He's not possessive but he is fascinated with this idea that I am his and no one else's. :P

But seriously. I'm having a hard time remembering what I did with my time when I was single. What was life before him? I thought I would feel limited to be with one guy. And yet I don't know what I was so afraid of - it's great. As it is now, when I'm not with my friend at school and working on some project I'm with him. And I think I could spend all my time with him and not feel like I was missing out on anything at all. He makes me feel like I don't need anything else but God and then him.

Let me show you what a good guy he is. Yesterday, I conducted a failed social experiment. Literally, I pictured a hundred people freezing all over the front of campus holding thank you cards and then we would get on our radio show and talk about positive communication and speak out against cyberbullying! Instead, you have me and a straggling few freezing in front of campus with panicked looks in our eyes as people stare at us as they pass by. And we're holding these signs that say "Take a moment. Thank someone." My cheeks were burning with shame. It was supposed to be a freeze MOB but it turned out to be a freeze trickle. I think they caught me on camera saying I wanted to crawl under a pillow. I didn't even get the phrase "crawl under a rock" right!!! Afterwards, I got interviews of the thankful few and later realized I hadn't even pressed record. Let's just say it was an EPIC fail. And Andrew was one of the 10 people that showed up and froze with me. Let's just say I wanted to sarcastically thank the 50 people who had said on facebook they would be "attending" the event and then just never showed up. Included in the no-shows was the guy who came up with the idea to do the freeze mob. He had NO excuses!!

And Andrew just calmed me down. He thought it was adorable that I was doing it and he supported me even though he had a class in the next 5 minutes. He makes me feel special and he listens to me rant about the injustice in the world! He just has this way of shutting me up haha. He has good ideas sometimes that really make me think about things I can do instead of throwing my hands up in the air.

Today I was having issues with my schedule for next semester and he's like, "Well, let's go talk to them." I wanted to just give up and talk about all the brick walls I was hitting. But instead I followed him upstairs to find the Dean's office and he sat outside patiently while I talked to him for about 35 minutes. When I got out he didn't complain about how long I'd taken or how he didn't realize it would be that long. He just said, "How did it go?"

Two months ago I would have said he didn't deserve me and I was only into him for the physical. Today I would say that I don't deserve him and I love him for who he is.

Loving the Unlovely

I'm having one of those days where I wonder - what am I doing with my life? I feel stuck in this college stage. I'm ready to be married, but not ready to marry any of the guys I've met. I'm 22. I feel like every day is just another day of entropy....breakdown...becoming less beautiful every day.

And then I remember my new years resolution. Instead of picking a physical goal, I pick a characteristic of God that I want to learn over the each new year. Last year it was Trust. The year before, Patience. This year it is Selfless Love. Boy, that's a powerful characteristic that I see in God  on a daily basis. If I were Him, I never would have sent my only Son to earth to die for an ingrate like myself. I just simply don't deserve that kind of love. I think of my childhood friend who had a stroke at age 12 and has been in a vegetable state ever since. Just this week they pulled the plug. She died at 22. Why wasn't that me? We used to play together. I think of her family and all the time and love they gave her even though she could never speak again. 10 years. That's selfless love.

So when I focus 99% of my day on my flaws, I'm actually focusing 99% of my day on self love. I don't want my day to be that way. I want to be so busy serving God and others that I don't have time to dwell on self-pity and discouraging inward thoughts.

The point is, Jesus came to earth and demonstrated a love unlike any other to very unlovely people - a love that He never expected to be repayed for. He didn't expect repayment, though, because He loves the world. All He asks is that we accept His free gift of eternal life.

So I want to be more and more like my Saviour every day. I want to love without expecting anything in return. I want to love the unlovely. I want to love the success of others more than myself. I want to lay up my treasures in heaven, because the treasures and beauties of this earth DO corrupt and rust and other people can even steal them away.

Guess What. There's nothing more beautiful than love.