Growth is a slow thing. There's no instant happy pill to a relationship. I was reading today in "The Purpose Driven Life" that our lives are like a battle strategy. When God gets a hold of our life it's as if he establishes a beachfront. Then he slowly starts taking over more territory, one battle at a time. His goal is to make you more like Christ. I can't believe how awesome this vision is. Instead of viewing "battles" and "hard lessons" as a constant barrage of God beating me down, they are really his loving way of teaching me how to let go of bad habits and develop new ones. The book said something crazy great - "Your character is the sum total of your habits."
WOW. I can't just say, "Well, I've always been impatient, controlling, or untrusting, so deal with it." No, I need to learn this same lesson over and over until it is a habit for me to be trusting, and glorifying God in all I do. I can't say I "am" something (like kind or loving) until I do it all the time without thinking. They say it takes 30 days to make a habit. So I'm going to start being patient with Andrew and trusting in God now - even if I'm starting for the fifth time. My goal is not to just win these battles and temptations - it's to grow more like Christ.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Wanting to be sorry
I want to be sorry.....
Sometimes I hate how high my drive is. Or maybe I just drink too much caffeine.
The fact remains that I love to be busy, get ahead, and stay late. But not everyone does. And that's okay. God allowed me to take a different path than most college-age kids. This doesn't mean my path is better. It just means it was the best path for me.
That being said, I push people. Generally, I just have an idea for improvement and throw it out there. If they want my help, I help. If not, it's o.k. I'm not invested in their lives, so I can walk away. But with Andrew, I am invested in his life. I have a hard time walking away from things I see that I could maybe help. And I'm finding I have to find the balance between pushing him to be his best and pushing him away.
Today I sat through two corporate meetings and as usual felt inspired by the big picture. I heard about med students all day. I got to hear so many things when they were just ideas....before they even happened. It's inspiring. But it's also frustrating. I want so badly to get into the trenches and do things instead of just talking about them. I love hands-on work. I love being given a problem and finding the solution. Today I just felt valued, useful, and sad to be finishing my internship.
I think since I was feeling so inspired/useful/semi-successful, I had higher expectations of my boyfriend's success when I talked to him. I felt like our conversation went mostly like this:
"How's Australia?"
"It's good. I love you."
I love that he loves me. I love him, too! I want to tell him every day and vice versa. But I feel like there's more to his life and I feel so cut off from it right now. Suddenly, my high-energy drive and his night-time falling-asleep chatting collided horribly. I just wanted to hear details of how he's being successful where he is. What challenges did he face and how did he overcome them? What difficult camper did he have and how did he counsel them? What burden does he have and how is he seeking to fulfill it? What relationship in the team has he struggled with and how is he actively seeking to improve it? Does he just run away from problems, dread them and avoid talking about them? Or does he embrace them as a learning experience? All I hear him saying is that he wants to be with me. Which is great, but - again, I feel cut off from his real life....like my relationship growth with him is stunted by sweet nothings and there's no real life to hear him work through. And I feel concerned that he doesn't tackle problems like I do. Is it good, is it bad? I don't know.
Life is filled with problems. I embrace them and love them because it's a challenge and a thrill to solve them. I love talking about what problems I've faced and how I've conquered them beyond people's expectations. But I think he views problems differently. Like he mentions them but never how he's seeking to solve them. Problems are always just something that's getting him down. It's not an opportunity. I don't understand that thought process.
The crazy thing is, I don't care what kind of success he has. He doesn't have to be a doctor or a medic or an anything. I just want to hear him take pride in his work. I want him to tell me specific ways that he's made a difference being there in that day. I want to hear his struggles, yes, but I also want to hear how he is handling those struggles. A couple weeks ago he was bursting with confidence and details on how his week was going, and I loved hearing it. I could tell he felt good about his work. He took pride in and I took pride in him. Does he not tell me details because they're all bad and he feels like he can't do anything about them? I guess that's what I assume. I have a feeling I assume the worst. Poor guy.
Sometimes I wish I could poke around and live inside his mom's head for a day. I don't have the same luxuries she's had. I didn't get to see his work ethic, his GPA, his relationship with employers or his accomplishments growing up. I just have this blind faith that he worked hard in school, can get good references, and that someday he can get a good job. I have no idea what kind of worker he is but the crazy thing is that I blindly love him, no matter what he becomes. I know from what I've seen he takes responsibility and he works hard. It's just that all I see is this narrow fragment of his life. He tells me big picture what he wants to do. But how can he have success in his dreams down the road if he doesn't take pride in his work now? How can I sit by and say nothing?
Success is so important to me. I'm focused, task-driven, and goal-oriented. Is that wrong? I feel like I'm every boss' dream but that those same qualities make for nightmares in a relationship.
Am I crazy? I just love to hear new reasons to be proud of him. I'm always proud of him, though. I'm proud that he graduated. I'm proud to be his. I'm proud of how good he is at expressing his love. I'm proud to be with him. I'm proud that he's in Australia working so hard even though he'd rather be here.
If I were him I would be upset with me. I mean he's working his butt off half-way around the world and I have the nerve to say he doesn't have a high enough drive just because I had a great, highly-motivated day. So I completely get it and I don't blame him.
But at this point I can't sincerely say I'm sorry. But I'm going to sleep on it and pray on it. Because I want to do whatever I have to do to make it right. Even if it means shutting up.
Sometimes I hate how high my drive is. Or maybe I just drink too much caffeine.
The fact remains that I love to be busy, get ahead, and stay late. But not everyone does. And that's okay. God allowed me to take a different path than most college-age kids. This doesn't mean my path is better. It just means it was the best path for me.
That being said, I push people. Generally, I just have an idea for improvement and throw it out there. If they want my help, I help. If not, it's o.k. I'm not invested in their lives, so I can walk away. But with Andrew, I am invested in his life. I have a hard time walking away from things I see that I could maybe help. And I'm finding I have to find the balance between pushing him to be his best and pushing him away.
Today I sat through two corporate meetings and as usual felt inspired by the big picture. I heard about med students all day. I got to hear so many things when they were just ideas....before they even happened. It's inspiring. But it's also frustrating. I want so badly to get into the trenches and do things instead of just talking about them. I love hands-on work. I love being given a problem and finding the solution. Today I just felt valued, useful, and sad to be finishing my internship.
I think since I was feeling so inspired/useful/semi-successful, I had higher expectations of my boyfriend's success when I talked to him. I felt like our conversation went mostly like this:
"How's Australia?"
"It's good. I love you."
I love that he loves me. I love him, too! I want to tell him every day and vice versa. But I feel like there's more to his life and I feel so cut off from it right now. Suddenly, my high-energy drive and his night-time falling-asleep chatting collided horribly. I just wanted to hear details of how he's being successful where he is. What challenges did he face and how did he overcome them? What difficult camper did he have and how did he counsel them? What burden does he have and how is he seeking to fulfill it? What relationship in the team has he struggled with and how is he actively seeking to improve it? Does he just run away from problems, dread them and avoid talking about them? Or does he embrace them as a learning experience? All I hear him saying is that he wants to be with me. Which is great, but - again, I feel cut off from his real life....like my relationship growth with him is stunted by sweet nothings and there's no real life to hear him work through. And I feel concerned that he doesn't tackle problems like I do. Is it good, is it bad? I don't know.
Life is filled with problems. I embrace them and love them because it's a challenge and a thrill to solve them. I love talking about what problems I've faced and how I've conquered them beyond people's expectations. But I think he views problems differently. Like he mentions them but never how he's seeking to solve them. Problems are always just something that's getting him down. It's not an opportunity. I don't understand that thought process.
The crazy thing is, I don't care what kind of success he has. He doesn't have to be a doctor or a medic or an anything. I just want to hear him take pride in his work. I want him to tell me specific ways that he's made a difference being there in that day. I want to hear his struggles, yes, but I also want to hear how he is handling those struggles. A couple weeks ago he was bursting with confidence and details on how his week was going, and I loved hearing it. I could tell he felt good about his work. He took pride in and I took pride in him. Does he not tell me details because they're all bad and he feels like he can't do anything about them? I guess that's what I assume. I have a feeling I assume the worst. Poor guy.
Sometimes I wish I could poke around and live inside his mom's head for a day. I don't have the same luxuries she's had. I didn't get to see his work ethic, his GPA, his relationship with employers or his accomplishments growing up. I just have this blind faith that he worked hard in school, can get good references, and that someday he can get a good job. I have no idea what kind of worker he is but the crazy thing is that I blindly love him, no matter what he becomes. I know from what I've seen he takes responsibility and he works hard. It's just that all I see is this narrow fragment of his life. He tells me big picture what he wants to do. But how can he have success in his dreams down the road if he doesn't take pride in his work now? How can I sit by and say nothing?
Success is so important to me. I'm focused, task-driven, and goal-oriented. Is that wrong? I feel like I'm every boss' dream but that those same qualities make for nightmares in a relationship.
Am I crazy? I just love to hear new reasons to be proud of him. I'm always proud of him, though. I'm proud that he graduated. I'm proud to be his. I'm proud of how good he is at expressing his love. I'm proud to be with him. I'm proud that he's in Australia working so hard even though he'd rather be here.
If I were him I would be upset with me. I mean he's working his butt off half-way around the world and I have the nerve to say he doesn't have a high enough drive just because I had a great, highly-motivated day. So I completely get it and I don't blame him.
But at this point I can't sincerely say I'm sorry. But I'm going to sleep on it and pray on it. Because I want to do whatever I have to do to make it right. Even if it means shutting up.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Once upon a time.....
I feel so undeserving. All around me, people are searching for love. I just finished watching an episode of the Bachelorette in which Des is searching for true love. And then a commercial pops up advertising e-harmony where you might find your match. Sitting on my desk is a book called "La Boda" which means "The Wedding", where a female lawyer tries to find love in Hollywood. And it feels like everywhere I turn, friends and authors seek to find someone who can complete them.
So here goes. I'm going to write a romance novel....inspired by the guy in my life. It is, of course, completely fictional and not based upon real life in the least. :P But I hope it shows just a little bit how happy he makes me and how blessed I am that God would bring him into my life and let him love me.
___________________________________
Alicia lay there in her back yard. How have 23 years flown by so fast and yet so agonizingly slow? The grass tickles her toes and she sighs, realizing it's time to repaint her shrimp-pink toenail polish. But that can come later. For now, it's Saturday and she's laying in the grass, her arms up behind her head, and she's looking up at the sky. Suddenly she's a kid again, picking out a train, a giant with a club, and a celestial city in the clouds. So many memories here in this small, old home. How many times has she fallen onto this grass, angry after a fight, crying out to God in times of doubt, praying late at night and looking up at the stars, petting the dog even though she claimed to always hate it, and sneaking out for late-night walks in the cemetery when she just needed to get away. This house, this street, this grass - it's nothing spectacular. But her feet have traced a pathway through them for the last 23 years. And through all 23 years, she has grown closer to God while feeling that natural urge to search for someone without a face, without a name.....but someone that she can someday look at and call home.
When she was in elementary her dad didn't have much time for her. So she loved to hang out with the high school boys and she had crushes on Leedee and Mark. They would give her suckers and chocolate-covered granola bars and her sisters were always telling her not to sit with the boys. Trouble from the start. :P
When Alicia got into middle-school, her parents will tell you that she hit a rebellious streak. To be honest, she just wanted attention. She was the baby of the family and wasn't expected to do much besides follow in her older siblings' shadows. From observation, she learned that her older sister's got the most attention when they dressed a certain way. It didn't matter if her Dad was working late or working at home; he was always telling them to go upstairs and change. They were always so mad at him, but he spent plenty of time with them convincing them he knew better. Selfishly, she was tired of being over-looked. She gradually felt that if she was truly attractive, her dad would always be telling her to go change her outfit. If he didn't ask her to change, it must mean she looked butt ugly. So she began borrowing her sister's clothing and began hanging out with a girl named Nikki who was always getting sent to the principal's office. Nikki was pretty and she swore and had slits in her skirts and had a single mom. She was cool.
High school was rough, as you can imagine. Alicia was searching for love and attention in all the wrong places. In 7th grade she had a huge crush on an older guy named Joe and he didn't give her the time of day. Her family was pretty poor, her dad was a teacher at her school and always seemed to be around, and she always wore the same long black velvet skirt because her dad didn't like any of her other outfits. Any time she was home, she was working or practicing hours on instruments every day. She hated it. She was miserable. The only time she enjoyed was when she could hang out with her friend Nikki at church and try to feel normal. "Normal" was still pretty messed up in the seventh grade. Two hormonal girls just discovering their sexuality and wanting attention - not a good combination. In this school, everything was in the extreme. You were either a chaste virgin who dressed as conservatively as possible, or you pushed the line on everything and you were willing to go all the way. Alicia was pretty naïve. She didn't know what she wanted, but she was willing to give whatever she needed in order to distance herself from her parents and feel normal and accepted. She was looking for love in all the wrong places. Nikki told her that she should give up on Joe and that he was a jerk. She said Alicia should instead hook up with Patrick, because he had paid her $100 to get Alicia to go on a date with him. Looking back, she realizes that the guys she flirted with had completely wrong intentions and it's probably good she went to a freaking conservative school. Somehow she ended up getting pulled into a dark room with a guy named William --another one of Nikki's ideas. Alicia didn't even like him; she just liked the attention. She liked being with someone who wanted her. Anyways, he didn't even kiss her; he pulled her into that room three times to just hold her and feel her up a little. But once word got out, she got suspended and literally grounded for a year. This certainly wasn't the love she had been seeking.
Grounding must have done Alicia some good because she finally got her attention back on God. She ended up becoming best friends with Kim and Megan who, while immature, had hearts that just wanted to have fun and grow closer to God. Kim stayed with her through the years, the churches, the schools, and the boys. She was always the one to talk to Alicia about everything for hours and every conversation led back to growing more like Christ. Because of Kim, Alicia began to see that her heavenly Father was not the same as her earthly Father. Her heavenly Father always loved so much every day. A relationship with God was unlike any other. Her high school years were mostly spent realizing that God was the most important love-relationship she would ever have.
She first realized that boys noticed her when she traveled to Colorado with her youth group. They were assisting with a VBS and Michael, the cutest boy in the church starting following her around. Alicia was so rattled she couldn't even finish conversations with him. She would just walk away mid-conversation.
Then camp happened...This particular Christian camp was just a cess-pool of hormones. Tim happened. What an idiot. They emailed for a few months and she wasn't serious about him. His grammar was awful. After a receiving a few poorly re-written Romeo letters, she moved on. The misguided search continued.
And then age 16 rolled around. And with that, her body started changing. She was a bridesmaid in two weddings and suddenly her brother's friends were seeing her differently. Needless to say it was all very immature, but Alicia was convinced that at age 16 she had met the love of her life. They snuck around school sneaking touches and holding hands. But when she looked at him, she could never ever imagine wanting to marry him. She wouldn't let him kiss her. And when he looked at her and asked her to wait for him in college, she couldn't do it. The chemistry was real, but the person and the time was all wrong. She wasn't into the whole commitment thing.
Alicia headed into the workforce at age 17, confident that she knew where her life was going. She worked and finished her senior year, once again hanging out with older guys but finally realizing some discernment. She was still pretty naïve, though, and while she thought she was just being friendly she was sending all the wrong signals. During this year, she got asked out a lot, aggressively, by a lot of older men. Thankfully, it would have been illegal to say yes. Somehow, one guy stuck. He was 26, the security guard, and married. She still doesn't know why, but she went down a really dangerous and stupid road with him. Looking back she realizes he could have gotten in trouble for the things he said to her. Even though she didn't respond, he continued to call her, text her, email her, bother her into her freshman year of college until Alicia finally went to one of her friends Liz with the problem. Liz answered the phone for Alicia and told him to stop bothering her and to go be with his wife. He finally got the picture and left her alone.
As a freshman in college Alicia was confident she would meet the love of her life the minute she stepped foot on campus. In fact, as she unpacked her things in her room, she had no doubt she would be dating within a couple weeks. But God totally didn't see things that way. She doesn't know exactly what happened. Call it hormones, call it trying a new "Asian" medicine that her Korean boss gave her, call it stress, but over that first semester her face broke out to the point that she didn't even recognize herself in the mirror anymore. It completely shattered her. She didn't feel like a person of worth anymore. She certainly didn't feel desirable and beautiful. She felt like something from yesterday. Someone who, at age 18, needed to say goodbye to outward beauty. It was a truly hard time. She was away from her family and didn't know what to do. The only person to turn to was God. She couldn't imagine anyone ever again looking at her and saying that she was beautiful. But she decided that she was going to focus on internal beauty. She was going to still smile and she was going to try to grow closer to God, more than anything. At the end of the day, love from a lot of men didn't matter. It had to be all about the love of Christ.
Then at age 19, Frank came into her life. He was 6'3" and the life of the party. Funny guy and a truly good guy. She never even saw him "like that" until one of her brother's friends declare they had chemistry after hearing them argue. She wishes she had never heard that comment, because she truly never found chemistry with the guy. And after a year, him saying he wanted to marry her, and a love-less first-kiss on Lake Michigan, she did the hardest thing she's ever done. She broke up with her best friend. That sucked.
She went out with a lot of guys. Honestly, she can't even remember all of their names. A lot of them she doesn't want to remember. Time after time after time. Excitement over a new guy, several dates, and then his flaws come out. And Kim, bless her heart, got excited with her for each and every guy. She listened. And when they broke up, she comforted her and never said that she told her so. She was a true friend.
Alicia sat out of school and continued this vicious cycle of meeting a guy, saying yes, and breaking up with him within a couple weeks. She found a time period where she wasn't working or going to church with any guys her age other than her brothers dumb friend. Out of boredom, she joined dating websites. And with that, she only cemented her constant search for love in all the wrong places. She felt that she need to always be meeting someone or she might miss God's will. There was Adam, and Nate, Jared and Adam, and so many other guys it's too hard and too embarrassing to remember.
But with about 99% of all these relationships, Alicia would end it before it got too serious and before it got physical. So while she did date a lot of guys, not very many of them got very far with her. She certainly never let anyone to second or third base. She didn't make out with any of them. She barely went on a fourth date with any of them.
I say all of this to say that she didn't even know what she was looking for. She didn't know what her type was. She didn't know whether he needed to be rich or funny or tall or short. Alicia just knew that she wanted to meet the God-honoring guy who would make her fall in love with him and would make her stick around for the long haul. ;)
And then she met a guy named Andrew. He infuriates her, excites her, makes her laugh, makes her cry, and makes her keep coming back for more. The first time she saw him differently, she was sitting across from him at an Olive Garden table. They both casually said they weren't seriously dating anyone, they were just "seeing where things led". So super casual - so cool of them. They were so noncommittal and not tied down. Suddenly they're making out on the couch, in the back of his truck, on her bed, in the department store dressing room, everywhere they can. And then he stops touching her and says, "I want more than this." And Alicia's like, "What the heck? What more could you want?" Turns out he wants a freaking relationship.
Time after time, their relationship should have been doomed. And somehow God gives them grace to forgive each other. Honestly, their relationship should have stayed shallow and selfish. But God gave them the chance to look beyond the physical and see deeply into each other. She grew to love the person that he is--the good AND the bad. So often, they could have dated other people. But God closed those doors and opened this strange and unpredictable one.
She looks at him and loves and hates and likes and wants him all at once. He looks back at her and adores and desires and loves and teases her all at once. Somehow, love is no longer about a search for the right person. It's not a search for a better person. It's a journey to dying to self and a beautiful discovery of who he is. It's an inability to control the other person and a resigning to loving them even with their flaws glaring right out in the open. It's praying together and being vulnerable together. It's finally looking into someone's eyes and still being herself but finally finding someone who helps her be ready for commitment. It's skin on skin, passion that is reigned in only because of respect and a desire to honor God in the bounds of marriage. It's him saying he wants to do the right thing by her and her giving herself to him 100%.
It's rare. It's pure. It's scary. It's beautiful.
She lays there in the grass. 23 years old. So flawed. So imperfect. So undeserving. So in love with God and so afraid to say she has finally stopped searching. So hopeful that this is forever. So sure that if God would allow it and the man she loves would want it, she would spend the rest of her life making him fall in love with her every day.
So here goes. I'm going to write a romance novel....inspired by the guy in my life. It is, of course, completely fictional and not based upon real life in the least. :P But I hope it shows just a little bit how happy he makes me and how blessed I am that God would bring him into my life and let him love me.
___________________________________
Alicia lay there in her back yard. How have 23 years flown by so fast and yet so agonizingly slow? The grass tickles her toes and she sighs, realizing it's time to repaint her shrimp-pink toenail polish. But that can come later. For now, it's Saturday and she's laying in the grass, her arms up behind her head, and she's looking up at the sky. Suddenly she's a kid again, picking out a train, a giant with a club, and a celestial city in the clouds. So many memories here in this small, old home. How many times has she fallen onto this grass, angry after a fight, crying out to God in times of doubt, praying late at night and looking up at the stars, petting the dog even though she claimed to always hate it, and sneaking out for late-night walks in the cemetery when she just needed to get away. This house, this street, this grass - it's nothing spectacular. But her feet have traced a pathway through them for the last 23 years. And through all 23 years, she has grown closer to God while feeling that natural urge to search for someone without a face, without a name.....but someone that she can someday look at and call home.
When she was in elementary her dad didn't have much time for her. So she loved to hang out with the high school boys and she had crushes on Leedee and Mark. They would give her suckers and chocolate-covered granola bars and her sisters were always telling her not to sit with the boys. Trouble from the start. :P
When Alicia got into middle-school, her parents will tell you that she hit a rebellious streak. To be honest, she just wanted attention. She was the baby of the family and wasn't expected to do much besides follow in her older siblings' shadows. From observation, she learned that her older sister's got the most attention when they dressed a certain way. It didn't matter if her Dad was working late or working at home; he was always telling them to go upstairs and change. They were always so mad at him, but he spent plenty of time with them convincing them he knew better. Selfishly, she was tired of being over-looked. She gradually felt that if she was truly attractive, her dad would always be telling her to go change her outfit. If he didn't ask her to change, it must mean she looked butt ugly. So she began borrowing her sister's clothing and began hanging out with a girl named Nikki who was always getting sent to the principal's office. Nikki was pretty and she swore and had slits in her skirts and had a single mom. She was cool.
High school was rough, as you can imagine. Alicia was searching for love and attention in all the wrong places. In 7th grade she had a huge crush on an older guy named Joe and he didn't give her the time of day. Her family was pretty poor, her dad was a teacher at her school and always seemed to be around, and she always wore the same long black velvet skirt because her dad didn't like any of her other outfits. Any time she was home, she was working or practicing hours on instruments every day. She hated it. She was miserable. The only time she enjoyed was when she could hang out with her friend Nikki at church and try to feel normal. "Normal" was still pretty messed up in the seventh grade. Two hormonal girls just discovering their sexuality and wanting attention - not a good combination. In this school, everything was in the extreme. You were either a chaste virgin who dressed as conservatively as possible, or you pushed the line on everything and you were willing to go all the way. Alicia was pretty naïve. She didn't know what she wanted, but she was willing to give whatever she needed in order to distance herself from her parents and feel normal and accepted. She was looking for love in all the wrong places. Nikki told her that she should give up on Joe and that he was a jerk. She said Alicia should instead hook up with Patrick, because he had paid her $100 to get Alicia to go on a date with him. Looking back, she realizes that the guys she flirted with had completely wrong intentions and it's probably good she went to a freaking conservative school. Somehow she ended up getting pulled into a dark room with a guy named William --another one of Nikki's ideas. Alicia didn't even like him; she just liked the attention. She liked being with someone who wanted her. Anyways, he didn't even kiss her; he pulled her into that room three times to just hold her and feel her up a little. But once word got out, she got suspended and literally grounded for a year. This certainly wasn't the love she had been seeking.
Grounding must have done Alicia some good because she finally got her attention back on God. She ended up becoming best friends with Kim and Megan who, while immature, had hearts that just wanted to have fun and grow closer to God. Kim stayed with her through the years, the churches, the schools, and the boys. She was always the one to talk to Alicia about everything for hours and every conversation led back to growing more like Christ. Because of Kim, Alicia began to see that her heavenly Father was not the same as her earthly Father. Her heavenly Father always loved so much every day. A relationship with God was unlike any other. Her high school years were mostly spent realizing that God was the most important love-relationship she would ever have.
She first realized that boys noticed her when she traveled to Colorado with her youth group. They were assisting with a VBS and Michael, the cutest boy in the church starting following her around. Alicia was so rattled she couldn't even finish conversations with him. She would just walk away mid-conversation.
Then camp happened...This particular Christian camp was just a cess-pool of hormones. Tim happened. What an idiot. They emailed for a few months and she wasn't serious about him. His grammar was awful. After a receiving a few poorly re-written Romeo letters, she moved on. The misguided search continued.
And then age 16 rolled around. And with that, her body started changing. She was a bridesmaid in two weddings and suddenly her brother's friends were seeing her differently. Needless to say it was all very immature, but Alicia was convinced that at age 16 she had met the love of her life. They snuck around school sneaking touches and holding hands. But when she looked at him, she could never ever imagine wanting to marry him. She wouldn't let him kiss her. And when he looked at her and asked her to wait for him in college, she couldn't do it. The chemistry was real, but the person and the time was all wrong. She wasn't into the whole commitment thing.
Alicia headed into the workforce at age 17, confident that she knew where her life was going. She worked and finished her senior year, once again hanging out with older guys but finally realizing some discernment. She was still pretty naïve, though, and while she thought she was just being friendly she was sending all the wrong signals. During this year, she got asked out a lot, aggressively, by a lot of older men. Thankfully, it would have been illegal to say yes. Somehow, one guy stuck. He was 26, the security guard, and married. She still doesn't know why, but she went down a really dangerous and stupid road with him. Looking back she realizes he could have gotten in trouble for the things he said to her. Even though she didn't respond, he continued to call her, text her, email her, bother her into her freshman year of college until Alicia finally went to one of her friends Liz with the problem. Liz answered the phone for Alicia and told him to stop bothering her and to go be with his wife. He finally got the picture and left her alone.
As a freshman in college Alicia was confident she would meet the love of her life the minute she stepped foot on campus. In fact, as she unpacked her things in her room, she had no doubt she would be dating within a couple weeks. But God totally didn't see things that way. She doesn't know exactly what happened. Call it hormones, call it trying a new "Asian" medicine that her Korean boss gave her, call it stress, but over that first semester her face broke out to the point that she didn't even recognize herself in the mirror anymore. It completely shattered her. She didn't feel like a person of worth anymore. She certainly didn't feel desirable and beautiful. She felt like something from yesterday. Someone who, at age 18, needed to say goodbye to outward beauty. It was a truly hard time. She was away from her family and didn't know what to do. The only person to turn to was God. She couldn't imagine anyone ever again looking at her and saying that she was beautiful. But she decided that she was going to focus on internal beauty. She was going to still smile and she was going to try to grow closer to God, more than anything. At the end of the day, love from a lot of men didn't matter. It had to be all about the love of Christ.
Then at age 19, Frank came into her life. He was 6'3" and the life of the party. Funny guy and a truly good guy. She never even saw him "like that" until one of her brother's friends declare they had chemistry after hearing them argue. She wishes she had never heard that comment, because she truly never found chemistry with the guy. And after a year, him saying he wanted to marry her, and a love-less first-kiss on Lake Michigan, she did the hardest thing she's ever done. She broke up with her best friend. That sucked.
She went out with a lot of guys. Honestly, she can't even remember all of their names. A lot of them she doesn't want to remember. Time after time after time. Excitement over a new guy, several dates, and then his flaws come out. And Kim, bless her heart, got excited with her for each and every guy. She listened. And when they broke up, she comforted her and never said that she told her so. She was a true friend.
Alicia sat out of school and continued this vicious cycle of meeting a guy, saying yes, and breaking up with him within a couple weeks. She found a time period where she wasn't working or going to church with any guys her age other than her brothers dumb friend. Out of boredom, she joined dating websites. And with that, she only cemented her constant search for love in all the wrong places. She felt that she need to always be meeting someone or she might miss God's will. There was Adam, and Nate, Jared and Adam, and so many other guys it's too hard and too embarrassing to remember.
But with about 99% of all these relationships, Alicia would end it before it got too serious and before it got physical. So while she did date a lot of guys, not very many of them got very far with her. She certainly never let anyone to second or third base. She didn't make out with any of them. She barely went on a fourth date with any of them.
I say all of this to say that she didn't even know what she was looking for. She didn't know what her type was. She didn't know whether he needed to be rich or funny or tall or short. Alicia just knew that she wanted to meet the God-honoring guy who would make her fall in love with him and would make her stick around for the long haul. ;)
And then she met a guy named Andrew. He infuriates her, excites her, makes her laugh, makes her cry, and makes her keep coming back for more. The first time she saw him differently, she was sitting across from him at an Olive Garden table. They both casually said they weren't seriously dating anyone, they were just "seeing where things led". So super casual - so cool of them. They were so noncommittal and not tied down. Suddenly they're making out on the couch, in the back of his truck, on her bed, in the department store dressing room, everywhere they can. And then he stops touching her and says, "I want more than this." And Alicia's like, "What the heck? What more could you want?" Turns out he wants a freaking relationship.
Time after time, their relationship should have been doomed. And somehow God gives them grace to forgive each other. Honestly, their relationship should have stayed shallow and selfish. But God gave them the chance to look beyond the physical and see deeply into each other. She grew to love the person that he is--the good AND the bad. So often, they could have dated other people. But God closed those doors and opened this strange and unpredictable one.
She looks at him and loves and hates and likes and wants him all at once. He looks back at her and adores and desires and loves and teases her all at once. Somehow, love is no longer about a search for the right person. It's not a search for a better person. It's a journey to dying to self and a beautiful discovery of who he is. It's an inability to control the other person and a resigning to loving them even with their flaws glaring right out in the open. It's praying together and being vulnerable together. It's finally looking into someone's eyes and still being herself but finally finding someone who helps her be ready for commitment. It's skin on skin, passion that is reigned in only because of respect and a desire to honor God in the bounds of marriage. It's him saying he wants to do the right thing by her and her giving herself to him 100%.
It's rare. It's pure. It's scary. It's beautiful.
She lays there in the grass. 23 years old. So flawed. So imperfect. So undeserving. So in love with God and so afraid to say she has finally stopped searching. So hopeful that this is forever. So sure that if God would allow it and the man she loves would want it, she would spend the rest of her life making him fall in love with her every day.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
A day in the life of a perky Funeral Home Administrative Assistant
I work at a Funeral Home. When I got the call for the interview a year ago, I was confused. I didn't remember applying for a job with a funeral home. I had only applied for a job as an administrative assistant. Oh, wait. Do funeral homes have Administrative Assistants? Turns out they do. And somehow, I am now one of them.
It's been good. I'm careful not to sound too perky when I answer the phone. I do my best to intimidate the female version of Frankenstein's voice. It's an art really to be able to draw out your vowels and find that perfectly respectful low pitch. Normally, it's "dead" and I spend a lot of time building my wedding boards on Pinterest. I faithfully have given up every other weekend for this job, and I've fallen into a comfortable lull. Love my coworkers. Love my job.
And then (enter menacing music) I agreed to fill in multiple extra days during the summer. This leads to today, the WORST DAY in human existence of Administrative Assisting. Come on, Administrative Assistants. How many of you can say that you've seen 4 dead bodies before you finished your morning coffee.
I feel like no one understands what we do - or appreciates it. So today I'm going to share with you my day. Just one day. And maybe you'll understand.
I'm filling in at a location that is completely new to me. This also means I don't know any of the directors or where anything is located in the office. It's 8 a.m. and I've come in early with a McMuffin and Hashbrown and home-brewed coffee in a Starbucks mug. I'm here early so I can get peacefully acquainted with the office; find my office, get logged in, find where they keep the paper, the books, the camera, the thumb drive, etc. The manager greets me and at my request he shows me around the funeral home. As he quickly takes me from room to room, I feel like I have entered a new Super Walmart. I peek in the rooms and can see that instead of the normal 10 or so flowers, there are about 35 flowers. This will be one of my jobs to take a picture of each flower, write down who it's from, and then print those pictures for all four families that are having services today. When I finally sit at my own desk, I'm relieved to have a place to sit still and hopefully get some peace. Not so. I ask the manager where the thumb drive is. He doesn't know. I log in and all of my defaults are messed up. Everything is printing wrong and all the wrong printers are hooked up. My desk is right by a door where grieving families enter and want you to give them a tour of the bathrooms and visitation rooms. The directors swarm in and out with orders of service, changes to memorial books, and "new flower picture needs" -- all which need to be done STAT. This alone takes my full attention.
Then I check my email to see what needs to be done. Immediately I find out that we are short-staffed. There's just two of us Administrative Assistants where there are normally three. And the girl who is filling in with me comes in with a pinched eyebrow and a worried purse of her lips. She is brand new. She immediately skips my attempt at friendly introduction and to my horror I realize she knows NOTHING. I quickly realize that I can't ask questions. No one knows the answer. Meanwhile, new girl asks me to come over to her computer repeatedly because she "can't find a clipart image" and "doesn't know how to download a picture from an email".
Meanwhile, the phones are ringing off the hook. And each time I answer, as much as I want to snap, I need to answer in my slow, quiet Frankenstein voice and have "all the time in the world" to give directions to someone who "might be coming from the north or the south". Meanwhile, I hear a director outside my door promising a family that I will whip together a memory video for them before the visitation at 2:00. Memory videos easily take 2 to 4 hours. This promise was made around 11 a.m. As I'm juggling that video form request, I'm quickly realizing that all the work that was supposed to be done for today's services has not been done. With five minutes to spare, I'm printing 4 books (manually changing the printer location and page pull for every page), CDs, Directors Cards, Double-sided Clergy cards, obituary pages, and I go out and take a picture of every flower and print them all. Then the printer runs out of ink. No one knows where the cartridge is. Someone calls and wants to talk to my manager "now" and when I ask for help everyone says to find someone else. In the meantime, this old man comes in - I can only assume he's a coworker - and he says "You printed this wrong. It needs to be fixed now."
I look at it. I didn't print it wrong. Somebody else did. Doesn't matter - it's got to be fixed. I try to sound cheerful as I promise to fix it as soon as I finish with every other stat request. Then I'm trying to load the video on the player. It works at my location, but here the system needs to be re-updated and it keeps saying that Firewall is blocking it. I'm told to call Valerie who tells me to call Steve who doesn't answer. So, once again, I try to figure it out. I call the front desk and ask what player is being used (so I don't mess up any video). He says he doesn't know but he doesn't think any of the other players are being used. So I try to load the player again. Suddenly the same old guy comes in practically screaming that I've messed up the video for a family who's in the middle of visitation. Confused, I'm like, "You said the players were free." He insists, "No I didn't. I said except for the "H" family." What. Yeah, after you hung up the phone? Whatever. Let me try to fix it. The family comes in and says, "Hey the video's messed up." Long story short, that guy takes off and I never see him again. Turns out it wasn't something I did - it was just the sound wasn't working right. But I spent a good 30 minutes in a closet with equipment I didn't understand trying to fix something that wasn't broken. In the meantime the owner of the funeral home finds me and tries to help me and he is equally confused because he needs me to be working on the other video and not this one.
I get back to my desk and an entirely different director places a brand new file of information on my desk and says he needs me to write two obituaries, work up a DC proof, enter information in TDAW, and upload all the info to Greenville News and our website. The family is waiting for me to do this.
Where is the new girl? She's disappeared for 5 hours to help some families with their music. Yeah, so I'm answering the phones. Trying to handle all these technical hiccups. Writing obituaries and completing an entire families every request. FEELING INCOMPETENT. And knowing everyone else is just as lost as I am. By the time I finally finish that family, they realized they didn't have enough money so I had to go back through and cancel everything I'd done.
I needed to update the First List so everyone can see everything. In the meantime I'm not at my normal desk so I'm calling over at least 5 times to another location to try to get my logins. Finally, the new girl comes back and she swears I messed up her computer because her printer isn't defaulting correct anymore. She is like a "silent angry" and sighs a ton for my benefit. The owner of the building plops down and I feel like I need to be on my best behavior.
A director comes in and just looks ticked at life. She says to me, "How old are you?" "23." "Are you married? Kids?" "No." "Oh. What's your real job?" "I'm a student." "Oh." End of conversation.
The best part of this day? I'm going back over the little bit of work the new girl did. You know, because I finally got breathing time and wanted to make sure everything is taken care of. Because I'm thorough. Quickly, I realize she has not submitted the obituary for the family she worked with this morning and that we have missed the deadline. When I asked her and the director about it, she turns to me and says that she left her password on her desk for me to download the picture that was needed for the obituary. Apparently that was the picture she couldn't download from her email. She never breathed one word about a password or that she was not meeting a deadline because she needed that picture. I looked at it later and she discovered she had downloaded it - she just didn't know where. I found it. Fixed it. And instead of a thank you, she says to me, "Yeah, I wish you had seen the password and downloaded that so you could have met the deadline." To the director I hear her say, "Andrea was supposed to do that for me. I guess she had a mess up of communication."
WHAT. Yeah. This was the day from heck. Silver lining? SO glad it's over. SO glad God helped me keep my cool. Now for some Desperate Housewives reruns and some kind of banana dessert. :)
It's been good. I'm careful not to sound too perky when I answer the phone. I do my best to intimidate the female version of Frankenstein's voice. It's an art really to be able to draw out your vowels and find that perfectly respectful low pitch. Normally, it's "dead" and I spend a lot of time building my wedding boards on Pinterest. I faithfully have given up every other weekend for this job, and I've fallen into a comfortable lull. Love my coworkers. Love my job.
And then (enter menacing music) I agreed to fill in multiple extra days during the summer. This leads to today, the WORST DAY in human existence of Administrative Assisting. Come on, Administrative Assistants. How many of you can say that you've seen 4 dead bodies before you finished your morning coffee.
I feel like no one understands what we do - or appreciates it. So today I'm going to share with you my day. Just one day. And maybe you'll understand.
I'm filling in at a location that is completely new to me. This also means I don't know any of the directors or where anything is located in the office. It's 8 a.m. and I've come in early with a McMuffin and Hashbrown and home-brewed coffee in a Starbucks mug. I'm here early so I can get peacefully acquainted with the office; find my office, get logged in, find where they keep the paper, the books, the camera, the thumb drive, etc. The manager greets me and at my request he shows me around the funeral home. As he quickly takes me from room to room, I feel like I have entered a new Super Walmart. I peek in the rooms and can see that instead of the normal 10 or so flowers, there are about 35 flowers. This will be one of my jobs to take a picture of each flower, write down who it's from, and then print those pictures for all four families that are having services today. When I finally sit at my own desk, I'm relieved to have a place to sit still and hopefully get some peace. Not so. I ask the manager where the thumb drive is. He doesn't know. I log in and all of my defaults are messed up. Everything is printing wrong and all the wrong printers are hooked up. My desk is right by a door where grieving families enter and want you to give them a tour of the bathrooms and visitation rooms. The directors swarm in and out with orders of service, changes to memorial books, and "new flower picture needs" -- all which need to be done STAT. This alone takes my full attention.
Then I check my email to see what needs to be done. Immediately I find out that we are short-staffed. There's just two of us Administrative Assistants where there are normally three. And the girl who is filling in with me comes in with a pinched eyebrow and a worried purse of her lips. She is brand new. She immediately skips my attempt at friendly introduction and to my horror I realize she knows NOTHING. I quickly realize that I can't ask questions. No one knows the answer. Meanwhile, new girl asks me to come over to her computer repeatedly because she "can't find a clipart image" and "doesn't know how to download a picture from an email".
Meanwhile, the phones are ringing off the hook. And each time I answer, as much as I want to snap, I need to answer in my slow, quiet Frankenstein voice and have "all the time in the world" to give directions to someone who "might be coming from the north or the south". Meanwhile, I hear a director outside my door promising a family that I will whip together a memory video for them before the visitation at 2:00. Memory videos easily take 2 to 4 hours. This promise was made around 11 a.m. As I'm juggling that video form request, I'm quickly realizing that all the work that was supposed to be done for today's services has not been done. With five minutes to spare, I'm printing 4 books (manually changing the printer location and page pull for every page), CDs, Directors Cards, Double-sided Clergy cards, obituary pages, and I go out and take a picture of every flower and print them all. Then the printer runs out of ink. No one knows where the cartridge is. Someone calls and wants to talk to my manager "now" and when I ask for help everyone says to find someone else. In the meantime, this old man comes in - I can only assume he's a coworker - and he says "You printed this wrong. It needs to be fixed now."
I look at it. I didn't print it wrong. Somebody else did. Doesn't matter - it's got to be fixed. I try to sound cheerful as I promise to fix it as soon as I finish with every other stat request. Then I'm trying to load the video on the player. It works at my location, but here the system needs to be re-updated and it keeps saying that Firewall is blocking it. I'm told to call Valerie who tells me to call Steve who doesn't answer. So, once again, I try to figure it out. I call the front desk and ask what player is being used (so I don't mess up any video). He says he doesn't know but he doesn't think any of the other players are being used. So I try to load the player again. Suddenly the same old guy comes in practically screaming that I've messed up the video for a family who's in the middle of visitation. Confused, I'm like, "You said the players were free." He insists, "No I didn't. I said except for the "H" family." What. Yeah, after you hung up the phone? Whatever. Let me try to fix it. The family comes in and says, "Hey the video's messed up." Long story short, that guy takes off and I never see him again. Turns out it wasn't something I did - it was just the sound wasn't working right. But I spent a good 30 minutes in a closet with equipment I didn't understand trying to fix something that wasn't broken. In the meantime the owner of the funeral home finds me and tries to help me and he is equally confused because he needs me to be working on the other video and not this one.
I get back to my desk and an entirely different director places a brand new file of information on my desk and says he needs me to write two obituaries, work up a DC proof, enter information in TDAW, and upload all the info to Greenville News and our website. The family is waiting for me to do this.
Where is the new girl? She's disappeared for 5 hours to help some families with their music. Yeah, so I'm answering the phones. Trying to handle all these technical hiccups. Writing obituaries and completing an entire families every request. FEELING INCOMPETENT. And knowing everyone else is just as lost as I am. By the time I finally finish that family, they realized they didn't have enough money so I had to go back through and cancel everything I'd done.
I needed to update the First List so everyone can see everything. In the meantime I'm not at my normal desk so I'm calling over at least 5 times to another location to try to get my logins. Finally, the new girl comes back and she swears I messed up her computer because her printer isn't defaulting correct anymore. She is like a "silent angry" and sighs a ton for my benefit. The owner of the building plops down and I feel like I need to be on my best behavior.
A director comes in and just looks ticked at life. She says to me, "How old are you?" "23." "Are you married? Kids?" "No." "Oh. What's your real job?" "I'm a student." "Oh." End of conversation.
The best part of this day? I'm going back over the little bit of work the new girl did. You know, because I finally got breathing time and wanted to make sure everything is taken care of. Because I'm thorough. Quickly, I realize she has not submitted the obituary for the family she worked with this morning and that we have missed the deadline. When I asked her and the director about it, she turns to me and says that she left her password on her desk for me to download the picture that was needed for the obituary. Apparently that was the picture she couldn't download from her email. She never breathed one word about a password or that she was not meeting a deadline because she needed that picture. I looked at it later and she discovered she had downloaded it - she just didn't know where. I found it. Fixed it. And instead of a thank you, she says to me, "Yeah, I wish you had seen the password and downloaded that so you could have met the deadline." To the director I hear her say, "Andrea was supposed to do that for me. I guess she had a mess up of communication."
WHAT. Yeah. This was the day from heck. Silver lining? SO glad it's over. SO glad God helped me keep my cool. Now for some Desperate Housewives reruns and some kind of banana dessert. :)
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Running for my Life
There's nothing like a good hard run. As your feet pound away against the dirt, the road, the hills, they pound away from life. And even as they conquer the air, they take you down a road of intriguing memories. For once, instead of keeping my mind on what Andrew's doing now, or my internship, or my work, or my hulu queue, I close my eyes and open them to beautiful, beautiful memories.
I run past the mailbox and I smell a campfire burning. My eyes close on their own and instantly I'm 15 again. I'm staring into the fire pit, surrounded by the peace of my Dad's contentment, my mom snuggled in a blanket next to him, and my brother only coming to life to throw something at me. I stare into the fire, wondering where he is....determined to believe that he must be in the little group of boys that I know at the time. False. SO false.
I open my eyes and run past a neck of trees that are covered in rich green ivy and vines. The smell of the campfire falls behind me and instead I'm greeted with the smell of wildflowers along the valley. My eyes close and where am I? I'm 14 and I'm picking from an easy field of can-spread Martha Stewart wildflowers. I loved making little bouquets every day for the kitchen table.
I run for another 10 minutes or so and as I round back, I default to thinking about Andrew, as I often do. I pray for him and wonder what he's doing. I wish so badly that we were already married. And then as I leapt over an extra rocky patch, I realized how quickly this whole last year has gone. And it hit me that before I know it, it will be June of next year. And, Lord willing, I'll be with him and wishing that time would slow down. As I slow down to a jog and feel long grass tickle my ankles as I brush by, I'm suddenly overwhelmed with thanks to God for now and for the sweet promise of a future. If it weren't for God, I wouldn't have gotten to know Andrew. And if it weren't for God, I wouldn't have this moment. We never know how much longer we have. I want to make the most of the time I have.
As my feet find my home stretch again, I look out on the valley and stop running. I stretch my calves, embrace one arm at a time, and then as I'm reaching for the sky, my eyes close and I fly back in time. I don't know how young I was. I truly believe this may be my first memory of my childhood home in Mount Caramel, Kentucky. I don't know if I got this when I lived there at age 2 or if it came to me later when I visited in elementary. But I'd forgotten about this memory. Literally ALL growing up was just my idea of true peace and beauty and happiness. I'm looking in on the memory and I don't know what exactly I'm seeing. I'm looking at a grown up version of myself. I'm wearing a long summer white dress and I'm happy. I'm standing on a hill, looking out over a valley where the sun is setting. The view before me is a hazy golden sky, so I assume it's a sunset. And the big thing I see is a wooden white bench hanging from a tree. I never swing in it. But in my idea, it would be the greatest bliss to sit on it and swing out from the hill over nothingness. It would be like flying.
So I don't know WHERE that memory comes from. I don't know if my mind created it at a young age and it just stuck with me for years, but I do know that when I opened my eyes on the valley here, I thought with a rush - I am that girl. This is me now. I'm happy. I'm at peace. God has given me everything I need.
I'm thankful that God allows someone so small and insignificant to run with defiance against life, each foot pounding in front of me, each frustration torn into the gravel. And then he lets me come to the end of my run exhausted, broken and filled with renewed thankfulness for his many gifts and mercies.
I am so small and my God is so big. There's nothing my God cannot do. :)
I run past the mailbox and I smell a campfire burning. My eyes close on their own and instantly I'm 15 again. I'm staring into the fire pit, surrounded by the peace of my Dad's contentment, my mom snuggled in a blanket next to him, and my brother only coming to life to throw something at me. I stare into the fire, wondering where he is....determined to believe that he must be in the little group of boys that I know at the time. False. SO false.
I open my eyes and run past a neck of trees that are covered in rich green ivy and vines. The smell of the campfire falls behind me and instead I'm greeted with the smell of wildflowers along the valley. My eyes close and where am I? I'm 14 and I'm picking from an easy field of can-spread Martha Stewart wildflowers. I loved making little bouquets every day for the kitchen table.
I run for another 10 minutes or so and as I round back, I default to thinking about Andrew, as I often do. I pray for him and wonder what he's doing. I wish so badly that we were already married. And then as I leapt over an extra rocky patch, I realized how quickly this whole last year has gone. And it hit me that before I know it, it will be June of next year. And, Lord willing, I'll be with him and wishing that time would slow down. As I slow down to a jog and feel long grass tickle my ankles as I brush by, I'm suddenly overwhelmed with thanks to God for now and for the sweet promise of a future. If it weren't for God, I wouldn't have gotten to know Andrew. And if it weren't for God, I wouldn't have this moment. We never know how much longer we have. I want to make the most of the time I have.
As my feet find my home stretch again, I look out on the valley and stop running. I stretch my calves, embrace one arm at a time, and then as I'm reaching for the sky, my eyes close and I fly back in time. I don't know how young I was. I truly believe this may be my first memory of my childhood home in Mount Caramel, Kentucky. I don't know if I got this when I lived there at age 2 or if it came to me later when I visited in elementary. But I'd forgotten about this memory. Literally ALL growing up was just my idea of true peace and beauty and happiness. I'm looking in on the memory and I don't know what exactly I'm seeing. I'm looking at a grown up version of myself. I'm wearing a long summer white dress and I'm happy. I'm standing on a hill, looking out over a valley where the sun is setting. The view before me is a hazy golden sky, so I assume it's a sunset. And the big thing I see is a wooden white bench hanging from a tree. I never swing in it. But in my idea, it would be the greatest bliss to sit on it and swing out from the hill over nothingness. It would be like flying.
So I don't know WHERE that memory comes from. I don't know if my mind created it at a young age and it just stuck with me for years, but I do know that when I opened my eyes on the valley here, I thought with a rush - I am that girl. This is me now. I'm happy. I'm at peace. God has given me everything I need.
I'm thankful that God allows someone so small and insignificant to run with defiance against life, each foot pounding in front of me, each frustration torn into the gravel. And then he lets me come to the end of my run exhausted, broken and filled with renewed thankfulness for his many gifts and mercies.
I am so small and my God is so big. There's nothing my God cannot do. :)
Saturday, June 22, 2013
De ja Vu Relationship
I think of him. I look over. He's not there. Suddenly I freeze. Everything about this moment--the traffic whizzing by my car, the sound of the air conditioning, my hand poised over the radio knob, my thoughts racing, my destination--is the same as some time before in my life. I can't put my finger on a particular time. All I know is that I have been here before. I've experienced this exact set of random combinations. And I have to assume it's de ja vu.
But then the other day I got to thinking. De ja vu is such a pat way of explaining eerie coincidences. We assume we have done a similar thing before and think nothing more of the chill of familiarity. But what if we truly have already experienced this life before? What if Andrew and I have already married and had children and grown old together? What if somehow God sent us back to view our lives and in that moment our future and present conscious connect.
It's romantic thinking on my part. But how else can I describe the powerful feelings I have for Andrew?
I know it's crazy. But just follow this train of thought for a crazy second. What if some couples have incredible chemistry because in a future timeline they have already slept together? They wouldn't remember it because it hasn't happened for them yet, but their conscious is already aware of what "is" there down the road. What if for the same reason God allows feelings of love to grow, because the conscious already senses what great things are to come. And then in those little moments when he smiles over at you, or a neighborhood dog barks, or you move one step closer to each other- you get de ja vu because you sense you are fulfilling a future that already knows you.
I can definitely say that I had de ja vu moments in past failed relationships. Not because my future and past conscious collided. Nope. Just because I realized that I was making the same mistakes over and over. It was a constant roller coaster of infatuation, breaking up, and then regret over the whole relationship. Looking back, I recognize that a lot of that roller coaster was me being impossible. But I'm so thankful I was impossible right up until the time I met Andrew. Somehow he managed to put up with my impossible and that, my friends, gave me no choice but to fall in love with him. I love and miss him so much. :)
Regardless, you have to be careful. Because if you follow my de ja vu theory, you could choose to be enemies with someone because you had a de ja vu moment while you had a minor argument with them. Not the best logical approach to life. :P
Still, it's kind of a cool thought.
But then the other day I got to thinking. De ja vu is such a pat way of explaining eerie coincidences. We assume we have done a similar thing before and think nothing more of the chill of familiarity. But what if we truly have already experienced this life before? What if Andrew and I have already married and had children and grown old together? What if somehow God sent us back to view our lives and in that moment our future and present conscious connect.
It's romantic thinking on my part. But how else can I describe the powerful feelings I have for Andrew?
I know it's crazy. But just follow this train of thought for a crazy second. What if some couples have incredible chemistry because in a future timeline they have already slept together? They wouldn't remember it because it hasn't happened for them yet, but their conscious is already aware of what "is" there down the road. What if for the same reason God allows feelings of love to grow, because the conscious already senses what great things are to come. And then in those little moments when he smiles over at you, or a neighborhood dog barks, or you move one step closer to each other- you get de ja vu because you sense you are fulfilling a future that already knows you.
I can definitely say that I had de ja vu moments in past failed relationships. Not because my future and past conscious collided. Nope. Just because I realized that I was making the same mistakes over and over. It was a constant roller coaster of infatuation, breaking up, and then regret over the whole relationship. Looking back, I recognize that a lot of that roller coaster was me being impossible. But I'm so thankful I was impossible right up until the time I met Andrew. Somehow he managed to put up with my impossible and that, my friends, gave me no choice but to fall in love with him. I love and miss him so much. :)
Regardless, you have to be careful. Because if you follow my de ja vu theory, you could choose to be enemies with someone because you had a de ja vu moment while you had a minor argument with them. Not the best logical approach to life. :P
Still, it's kind of a cool thought.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
When God takes away a good thing....
I was talking to one of my best friends last night, clumsily trying to help her get over a break-up. And as I'm messaging all this advice for what to do when trying to get over a guy, I startled myself with what I wrote.
My advice to her was that no man should be the source of all your happiness. When God takes away something truly good from our lives we have to just fall to our knees and still trust him through the pain. It's hard to be separated from someone you love, but God is completely in control. If He wants you two together, He'll bring you together. And nothing that you do will make him return to you. If God's not in it, you shouldn't want any part of it.
That's when it hit me like a freight train. God wants me to do the same thing with Andrew. Just like I had to give up control of my past relationship when the guy got deployed, I have to give up control of this relationship. If God wants to return him to me, He will. I don't need to live in a constant state of angst because Andrew's not with me right now. God is ABSOLUTELY in control.
I was struck by this thought. I had said to my friend: The question you have to ask yourself is, 'Do I trust Him even when He takes away a good thing?
I was initially telling my friend that she should ask herself that question in the midst of missing this guy that she's no longer dating. But, really, God hit me square between the eyes. My boyfriend is literally on the other side of the world (Australia) on a missions trip. He can't talk to me. He can rarely email or text me. I miss him SO much. But I also have to ask myself that question in the midst of missing a guy that I am still dating.
'Do I trust Him even when He takes away a good thing?'
It was a great relief to just give it to God. It's out of my control. And hard as it was, I decided that even if God permanently took Andrew away from me, Jesus would be all that I would need. I would still trust Him. It's a choice. And at the end of the day, if I do end up at an altar looking into his eyes and saying 'I absolutely do', I can be completely confident that it is a relationship of God.
That is a relationship with God at the center. That is a relationship that knows God only takes away some good things when he has something better.
And honestly? I can't see it getting any better than this. :)
My advice to her was that no man should be the source of all your happiness. When God takes away something truly good from our lives we have to just fall to our knees and still trust him through the pain. It's hard to be separated from someone you love, but God is completely in control. If He wants you two together, He'll bring you together. And nothing that you do will make him return to you. If God's not in it, you shouldn't want any part of it.
That's when it hit me like a freight train. God wants me to do the same thing with Andrew. Just like I had to give up control of my past relationship when the guy got deployed, I have to give up control of this relationship. If God wants to return him to me, He will. I don't need to live in a constant state of angst because Andrew's not with me right now. God is ABSOLUTELY in control.
I was struck by this thought. I had said to my friend: The question you have to ask yourself is, 'Do I trust Him even when He takes away a good thing?
I was initially telling my friend that she should ask herself that question in the midst of missing this guy that she's no longer dating. But, really, God hit me square between the eyes. My boyfriend is literally on the other side of the world (Australia) on a missions trip. He can't talk to me. He can rarely email or text me. I miss him SO much. But I also have to ask myself that question in the midst of missing a guy that I am still dating.
'Do I trust Him even when He takes away a good thing?'
It was a great relief to just give it to God. It's out of my control. And hard as it was, I decided that even if God permanently took Andrew away from me, Jesus would be all that I would need. I would still trust Him. It's a choice. And at the end of the day, if I do end up at an altar looking into his eyes and saying 'I absolutely do', I can be completely confident that it is a relationship of God.
That is a relationship with God at the center. That is a relationship that knows God only takes away some good things when he has something better.
And honestly? I can't see it getting any better than this. :)
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