I literally had to ask myself tonight - what did I do before Adam? Not because he's so amazing (cuz he is). But literally I've spent the last several evenings and pretty much the entire day today constantly struggling to think about something other than him. I was in chapel today and all of a sudden I could see myself. I had this silly grin on my face and had my hand up to my cheek. So dumb of me.... I'm probably going to meet him and he's got like 4 nostrils, a consistent wedgie, and a blue tongue and he probably lied about everything he said he is and he'll probably hate me. Done. Kill the daydreaming, pack up your bags, go back to reality.
It's GOOD to have other interests. It's good to clean your room and go on with your life even though you can't be with the person you want to be with. Know why? Because that's what I would want for him. If he called me and ALL he's done is spent time waiting to call me, then I'm going to be more than slightly creeped out that he didn't go to his job or go on with his normal life. His life makes him him. A life outside of our conversations means we have more to talk about. Same goes for me. I seriously need to stop paying him compliments. I know he loves them, but guess what - I know this is not a dating game, but it's never smart to lay all your cards on the table. Plus it means more when you wait to say something because it shows you really mean it. Not that I don't mean the things I say, but I won't ever regret talking to him about his day and his memories. If I meet him and hate him, I WILL regret saying cutesy stuff. Yes, I will.
The fact that I believe this one is different is why I rewrite all my text messages three times and I have to tell myself not to immediately respond to all of his messages. I constantly am checking my phone and my facebook looking for messages from him - it's sickening - I haven't done that since the 11th grade. Crazy thing is, when I get all hyped up and try to impress him, I flop. But when I put no effort into it at all - when I'm myself - the time flies. I don't have to try hard to make it work. This is probably why I will be all the MORE depressed if I don't like him when I meet him (or vise versa). I did date one guy long-distance and while I was always hesitant with him I really enjoyed talking to him. But I more wanted to hear from him when I was going through a rough time. He helped me feel secure when I was insecure. He made me laugh. But I always felt like I was borrowing him. And when we hung out and he kissed me - I felt nothing. Nada. But all along I knew I wasn't really into him that way - it was sooo selfish of me to use him like that. I can't tell you how many guys I have used just for the sake of being in a relationship.
If God does have Adam for me and he feels the same way for me - then I'm going to be so ashamed to have to tell him how many short-term relationships I've had. Not ashamed because I've dated so many guys, but ashamed because I felt the need to date so many guys. Guys that were NOT up to my standard. Guys I didn't even like. So many guys found out secrets about me, touched me, and owned my thoughts. I'm embarrassed....
Which is why, as crazy as I am about this one, I'm going to purpose to be more guarded. Because if God has someone else for me (which you'd honestly have to work really hard to convince me of that) then I don't want to have to add Adam to a list of my short-term relationship confessions.
God - if I lose him it's ok. If he hate's me I'll be devestated but in the end I have you. If I am not attracted to him or see a major red flag, it's ok for me to walk away. In the end, if I have you I have everything. You ARE number one - always. I trust you.
No comments:
Post a Comment