The five stages of grief after a relationship

So after I hung up with Adam last night and we agreed to go our separate ways due to his deployment, I wrote that sickeningly mature post (see bad news pants). And then, sitting on my bed in the dark, and all throughout today, the reality of everything started to hit me. A deadness entered my eyes where a light for every creature once existed.

Losing a promising relationship is so bittersweet. It's like all this unlocked poetry, this unreachable happiness, and this bright mountain-top experience of hope dies a swift death. And like death, an unfulfilled relationship with so many loose endings brings with it the five stages of grief.

Denial and Isolation
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

I guess now I'm in the anger and depression phase - if you can do those at the same time. Sounds lovely, right?

I think the reason this one is hitting me so hard is because it didn't even get off the ground. And the crazy thing is, not only am I in denial that it's already over, but I'm in denial that a great guy like him even liked me. But the truth is, I told him frankly a few weeks ago that I was "done" with guys and wasn't in a place to go out with anyone. That was during my "be content with singleness" phase. And he wouldn't take no for an answer - he literally asked me if I would consider giving one more guy a chance. He begged me to cancel my plans and asked me to put a day aside on the calendar to hang out with him. He called me and would keep me up well past the time I told him I could talk. He asked me on a date several times for a year and I finally said ok. He told me he couldn't stop smiling when we talked and said talking to me was the favorite time of his day. He said he couldn't wait to meet me and was going to give me a big hug when he saw me. When he talked to me he would get so tickled and say that he would be soo surprised if we weren't dating after we hung out. He wanted to hear about my family and he felt like our Dad's would get along. He planned a joke that we could play on my mom. He loved when I would get sassy. At first I was honestly being sassy because I could care less if he was into me. But then we clicked and it was so effortless to talk to him. I could just be myself. And, well, that's addictive. And I found myself thinking about him CONSTANTLY. When he suddenly stopped texting and calling, I knew something was wrong. It wasn't that he was just busy at work. But I never imagined that he would be so aloof when he called to tell me that he was getting deployed and that all those "promises" of the future were going to just need to be canceled.

I initially thought that it was super sad that he was being deployed, but I was going to be one of those girls that sends a man off into battle with all the glory of thwarted love and talks of God's will, etc. I had all these nice things to say to him, even though I was disappointed that he had so sucked me in. Starting off the conversation I was careful to be gentle and ask him how HE was doing.

I literally had the breath sucked out of me when he sounded so nonchalant about being deployed to the desert. I knew neither of us wanted a long-distance relationship. I would be the first to say I couldn't do it. But he didn't even sound sad or disappointed that our paths were so cruely parted. Gone was the open Adam who teased me and wanted to talk to me for hours. Suddenly he was a different man - sounding like a commander instead of a would-be lover.

His consolation was "Oh well, maybe we would have been an explosive couple". What does that even mean?? At least try, "Gee, Angela. Sorry I made you believe in men again only to have to go off to battle for a year. I'm really disappointed. But God has a perfect plan. I would ask you to wait for me, but I know that's unrealistic for either of us to ask of each other. Are you doing ok? I'm so sad, but I know it must be what God wants."

Nope, instead he basically said, "Oh well, it probably would have sucked." Took him two days to tell me that. Musta put a lot of genius thought into that one.

What did this relationship teach me? Don't believe it until it's real. I had SUCH a beautiful picture built up in my mind of who he was and how much I could respect him and what kind of future we could have.

To be fair, he did say, "I know this kind of puts a kink into our plans."

And I responded, "Well, we didn't really have any plans. We were just going to meet and see where it went." So maybe I was equally harsh in downplaying the level of seriousness in order to mask my disappointment.

So I don't know if I'll ever quite accept this one. I guess I'll always wonder. What would have happened on that bridge on November 6th, 2012? If it weren't for this war, a whole different history may have been made.