Broken up

I miss him. I regret it. I just wanted to hold his hand and wrap him in a hug and keep from saying what I was thinking. I didn't want it to matter. I didn't want to be bothered or to bother him. I just wanted to go back to silly and fun. I wanted to make him laugh. I wanted to feel his arms wrap around me in comfort.

Instead, this horrible silence. His attempt to comfort my concerns with words that fall short. His understanding. His sweetness.

I knew it needed to happen, though. I needed to say what was bothering me. If he is going to know I'm serious about anything, he's going to know I'm serious by seeing me walking away.

But my feelings are still completely with him. If he gives me a reason to, I will walk right back.

I guess this is what a break-up feels like.

Dating Doubts

I feel like such an idiot.

These are NOT words that any guy wants to hear from a girl in a relationship with him.

But those are my words. Because I have fallen for a guy that I don't really know. I've noticed a few red flags. But those aren't what I've SEEN. I've chosen to see the good in this guy. I see his drive, his sweetness, his playfulness, his handsomeness, and his desire to grow closer to God. I've been attracted to him, not because he's perfect, but because we're both going the same direction and I love being so adored by him. Most importantly? We look great in pictures together! :P

But then there are the other girls. He says this will change when we start saying we are officially dating (I've been dragging my feet on going fbook official). But he does have a lot of friends that are girls. Not a big deal. I'm not "that" girl who makes him lose all his girlfriends when we start dating. But then today up pops a picture he liked that I know he didn't mean for me to see. It's a creepy picture of one of his girlfriends in a mini-skirt. Her face is cut off and all you can see are basically her torso and her legs. Nbd. I'll just text him really quick and see if that was a weird mistake. But by his response I quickly realized that he had meant to like this creepy picture. I sit there calmly. I'm not going to over-react. I'm not the crazy jealous girlfriend.

BUT I'm not blind, either. I have turned a blind eye to his past. I've turned a blind eye to how crazy he is around his friends. I've turned yet another blind eye to how many friends he has that are girls that he STILL texts regularly even though he and I have been going out exclusively for a month. But at some point, do I still turn a blind eye when I see the guy he is when he thinks I'm not looking? I'm not going to pretend I'm perfect. I've liked shirtless pictures of some of my guy friends in the past, and it didn't mean I wanted to date them. I've also taken sexy torso/leg pictures of some of my favorite outfits and posted them online against my better judgment (mainly when i was younger). But it was always the creepy guys that liked those pictures! It was never the good guy. Maybe in highschool there was some good guys who liked those pictures, but they also had way poorer judgment back then.

It just made me suddenly take a major step back and think 'Who is this guy?' Admittedly, when I was a freshman I blocked this very guy on fbook because I thought he was a creeper. When I came back to school he was SO much more grown up and cuter and I saw a totally different side to him. A side that treasured me and treated me like a queen. A side that was serious about a future and that wants to marry me and have kids with me. We laughed so hard when I told him I had blocked him on facebook as a freshman.

Now this. Am I over-reacting? Or am I dating someone that would literally be dating ANY girl that said yes. What makes me so special? Suddenly I don't feel like God's will - I feel like the most convenient piece of flesh that he stumbled across.

Not so single

So I haven't posted any sassy single posts in a while. This is because I'm not so sure I'm single anymore.