Sick with Like

Seriously you're going to get so sick of these posts. But this is part of my life now, so you're going to have to deal with it. Today felt SOO long - and I only had one class and a 30 minute chapel session. I normally love easy days like this, but instead I found myself desperately looking for things to do. Why? Because otherwise I will just think about him and that's just nauseating. It's 7:01 and I've exhausted everything in my power to keep my mind off of him. I've vacuumed the whole house, swept, mopped, cleaned the bathroom, went for a 2-mile jog, took a shower, washed my bedding, washed the rugs, washed the dishes (it's not even my night!), watched a show, did all my homework, and now I'm doing the last thing I can think of - writing in my blog.

The insane thing is that ever since the eleventh grade I've "dated" a lot of guys. And I eventually get annoyed by their texts and calls and dates --- I just don't want to be with them. I get tired of them VERY quickly. I keep my serious thoughts to myself and hold them at arm's length just so I can say I'm with someone. I certainly don't think about them. Responding to their texts is more of an afterthought. But this guy keeps me guessing. He doesn't play all of his cards. Drives me CRAZY. For the first time I feel like he has a life and I don't! But really, I have a very interesting life....just a lot of down time that suddenly feels like eternity.

The craziest thing is that I can't believe he likes me. I guess I expect guys that I don't like to like me. But I'm paralyzed with fear at the thought of a genuinely good, awesome guy liking little ol me. Talking to him is now my favorite part of the day - he said that last night about talking to me and I thought how that's so true for me, too. I spazzed out on him last night. I got all serious and my voice got all low as I spilled out my fear that he would be mad at me for having so many short term relationships in the past. His voice got all cute and concerned when he wanted to know if I was trying to tell him I wasn't ready for a relationship with him. I was like - o gosh, no - and then I'm not even sure if I made sense. But he didn't hate me at all. He thought I was cute for sharing that with him. We think so much alike, but then our tastes are totally different. Omg I'm normally so confident around guys but he like instantly knows how to get me to open up and see my insecurities. I've never, ever felt the need to share something that stupid with another guy. Why this one? Gosh, I hope I don't blow it....

Anyways, I talked to my mom tonight. I couldn't quite bring him up, though. Instead I just spoke in vague terms my mom could understand by asking, "Can you pray for my future husband?" - haha because obviously who knows what I'm going to think when I meet this guy. She quickly perks up and says, "Do we have a name for your future husband??" lol I wouldn't give her any more details but I could tell it's eating her up now.

Sigh.....I could write about him all night. It's a poor substitute, though, to talking to the real thing. Wish he didn't have dumb late night classes....

God knows I just need to learn this patience.

Just for the sake of being in a relationship

I literally had to ask myself tonight - what did I do before Adam? Not because he's so amazing (cuz he is). But literally I've spent the last several evenings and pretty much the entire day today constantly struggling to think about something other than him. I was in chapel today and all of a sudden I could see myself. I had this silly grin on my face and had my hand up to my cheek. So dumb of me.... I'm probably going to meet him and he's got like 4 nostrils, a consistent wedgie, and a blue tongue and he probably lied about everything he said he is and he'll probably hate me. Done. Kill the daydreaming, pack up your bags, go back to reality.

It's GOOD to have other interests. It's good to clean your room and go on with your life even though you can't be with the person you want to be with. Know why? Because that's what I would want for him. If he called me and ALL he's done is spent time waiting to call me, then I'm going to be more than slightly creeped out that he didn't go to his job or go on with his normal life. His life makes him him. A life outside of our conversations means we have more to talk about. Same goes for me. I seriously need to stop paying him compliments. I know he loves them, but guess what - I know this is not a dating game, but it's never smart to lay all your cards on the table. Plus it means more when you wait to say something because it shows you really mean it. Not that I don't mean the things I say, but I won't ever regret talking to him about his day and his memories. If I meet him and hate him, I WILL regret saying cutesy stuff. Yes, I will.

The fact that I believe this one is different is why I rewrite all my text messages three times and I have to tell myself not to immediately respond to all of his messages. I constantly am checking my phone and my facebook looking for messages from him - it's sickening - I haven't done that since the 11th grade. Crazy thing is, when I get all hyped up and try to impress him, I flop. But when I put no effort into it at all - when I'm myself - the time flies. I don't have to try hard to make it work. This is probably why I will be all the MORE depressed if I don't like him when I meet him (or vise versa). I did date one guy long-distance and while I was always hesitant with him I really enjoyed talking to him. But I more wanted to hear from him when I was going through a rough time. He helped me feel secure when I was insecure. He made me laugh. But I always felt like I was borrowing him. And when we hung out and he kissed me - I felt nothing. Nada. But all along I knew I wasn't really into him that way - it was sooo selfish of me to use him like that. I can't tell you how many guys I have used just for the sake of being in a relationship.

If God does have Adam for me and he feels the same way for me - then I'm going to be so ashamed to have to tell him how many short-term relationships I've had. Not ashamed because I've dated so many guys, but ashamed because I felt the need to date so many guys. Guys that were NOT up to my standard. Guys I didn't even like. So many guys found out secrets about me, touched me, and owned my thoughts. I'm embarrassed....

Which is why, as crazy as I am about this one, I'm going to purpose to be more guarded. Because if God has someone else for me (which you'd honestly have to work really hard to convince me of that) then I don't want to have to add Adam to a list of my short-term relationship confessions.

God - if I lose him it's ok. If he hate's me I'll be devestated but in the end I have you. If I am not attracted to him or see a major red flag, it's ok for me to walk away. In the end, if I have you I have everything. You ARE number one - always. I trust you.

Meeting for the first time

I can't wait to meet him. It's probably good that I have to wait 2 weeks, though, because that'll give time for my adoration of him to die down a bit. So I've been talking to this guy for almost a year and I've never met him. We hit it off instantly when he first messaged me on Christian mingle and every day for a while on Facebook we asked each other a question - what are your greatest fears? what do you think about divorce? what kind of music do you like? what are your standards? what does Christiantiy and ministry mean to you? what's your family like? physical limits before marriage? the past? But since I wasn't in SC yet, we drifted in and out of conversation. Even when we started dating other people we kept in touch and offered to pray for each other and encourage each other. Like he was totally cool and patient with me when I blew him off for another guy.

Then, I don't know what happened. The last month he kicked things back into gear even though I had cooled things for a couple months and he asked me if I'm still giving him that first date I had promised him a long time ago. I just really enjoy talking to him. Until now it's never been the right time, you know? Then yesterday he asked me when we're going to meet? He's been asking me out on a date for a while but it just wasn't a good time.

And then we talked on the phone for the first time last night. And it's like my heart was opened for the first time in a long time. I don't mean that in a sappy way. I just mean that we clicked. An hour literally flew by with a guy I've never ever talked to before. And he made me laugh. so. hard. I've been in dozen's of little flings and I'm always trying to give guy's chances. In the end I'm just not interested and I'm really just prolonging their misery. This morning I woke up with a smile. I literally dreamed about him. We've been texting all day and I can't stop. He's driving 3 hours to meet me in 2 weeks which is the earliest we can work something out.

But this is insane, right? I need to meet him first. Shouldn't I have at least held hands or kissed a guy before I'm crazy about him? I don't know why I put off talking to him on the phone for so long. Maybe it's just been that God was saying not yet. Like I haven't felt this way about a guy since the 11th grade.

In case this is a sordid case of infatuation, I'm reminding myself of something I wrote about my last screw up relationship. "Am I doing it because it's physically/emotionally what I want? or am I doing it because it's going to bring him closer to God and what God wants?"

Yes, I WANT to be in a relationship, I WANT a leader, I WANT my own family some day. But it's not all about what I want. Am I protecting his purity and his relationship with God? Is this God-honoring? Is God #1 in my decisions? Because if I'm doing everything I can to honor him as a brother in Christ and put God first, I'm not going to be disappointed or embarrassed to have gone through with this. Because at the end of the day, if I've encouraged him and brought him closer to Christ, then it's a good day.

So I was kind of mean to him when he called me for the first time. He told me not to go easy on him, so when he called I had me brother answer the phone as if he were me. Adam told me later that when he heard a deep voice say 'hello this is angela' he was thinking 'um, I don't know if I'm making the trip to Greenville' LOLLLLL.

So, yeah. I am blown away by him. He's awesome and he's everything. SO FAR. What if he has 12 fingers or a tail?? I'm more worried about him being like 9 inches shorter than me than him being clinically insane or something haha. That's so shallow lol. No worries I WILL meet him in a public place and take all those precautions and stuff. I know you never truly know someone in this kind of situation. But I already love him haha. Not really, but you know what I mean. I'm going to marry him someday. Again, you know what I mean. :)

Ring me up

So....he's going to call me tonight. I'm so nervous and that's so unlike me. I guess I'm nervous that he'll be totally opposite what I imagine (which I just imagine someone normal). Or I'm nervous that I'll say something stupid. I just need to pray about it. Why worry when you can pray, right?

On the laughter scale, it was a zero.

So I have a little tiny Buddha in my stomach after eating Chinese buffet tonight. My brother LOVES to try new foods and he is especially attracted to limitless meat entrees sliced off of various animal body parts. I'd much rather get a coffee and use my money to travel somewhere new. New places=My adventure. New food=his adventure. So I compromised by going with him to a chinese place we've already been to for new food. Wait, that's not a compromise....but he may try to visit Paris Mountain/the lake with me tomorrow, so it might end up being a compromise.

Jonny's fortune cookie read "You will soon pass over the great waters." That better be talking about an actual lake because I am NOT doing this apartment thing alone.

On an equally non-hilarious note, I was judging someone's laughter tonight. I know - who does that? I'm a monster! But this customer in the table behind us kept showing pictures of her kids or grandkids or maybe cats to the chinese waitress who couldn't speak English. Instead of communicating using language, they just laughed forcibly at everything the other person said. The customer spoke loudly and slowly and the chinese waitress kept repeating 'cyute, soo cyute' and then laughing and laughing. I wanted to say, "It can't possibly be that funny." But that's just breaking some kind of standard social grace, so I said nothing.

But nothing curls my lips into a sad little grimace more than fake laughter. So here's me with a sad little grimace and a happy little Buddha belly....hey wait that sounds like...the actual Buddha. But let's not go that far.

The choice to be friendly and thankful

So I'm thankful for God's goodness and how He looks out for me even before I know I'm in trouble. One of my greatest struggles these last 4 years has been trying to understand why God would provide for other people to return to college, but he didn't provide for me. I've honestly been content knowing that I don't qualify for any assistance and that I need to work harder than a lot of other people to afford the same education. I still don't quite believe that I got a $750 scholarship placed on my bill. I was doing the math and since some of my money is tied up in CD's I was going to be about $1000 short this semester. It would be a cruel joke if I was told it was a mistake. But for now I'm blown away by that good news. And I'm thankful to God, whether investing in my education is a mistake or not.

I'm also thankful that God has given me a perspective of acceptance towards others. The more I see of the culture of cliqueishness on my college campus, the more I feel God is showing me that I want to be the exact opposite what I see on my campus. It's good for me to be brand new all over again - I totally remember now what it's like to be an outsider. Just so I don't forget how to treat new people in the future, I'm writing about it. The below would be how I want to treat others, because this is how I would like to be treated:

When someone volunteers to help with something, I'm not going to stand in the corner talking loudly to everyone but them. I'm going to go introduce myself to them. I don't have to be weird about it, but I can include them.

When someone is new, I'm not going tell my friend who everyone is and then say 'well that's everyone except the new person'. Nope. I'm going to take that opportunity to put some names to those new faces.

When I pass someone on my way to class, I don't have to know the person I pass in order to smile at them. It doesn't have to be weird - but a small smile might be just what that person needs.

If I'm going to an event and I see someone who I know is alone - I'm going to invite them along. Encouraging them is more important to me than 'having the perfect night among people that already adore me'.

If a new person asks me a question, I'm going to go out of my way to help them find their answer because it's the polite thing to do. My response is not going to be 'I don't know' and then turning away simply because I don't care enough about them to try to help.

Guys, you don't have to pursue lonely girls animalistically. Instead, why not just be a little less weird and invite them to hang out with a group of friends. What they need is more friends, not an exclusive on your old spice.

Also, just because I'm talking to you and you're a guy does NOT I expect you to marry me and it doesn't mean I want to marry you. But there's a great chance that I think you're cool/cute and would say yes to hanging out with you.

I don't have just 3 friends and no more. My schedule, my eyes, my arms are open to meet new people.

You don't have to be just like me for me to be nice to you. You could be the opposite of me, you could be way too conservative, you could be wearing clothes that aren't name-brand, you could be way to liberal - but who am I to judge? It doesn't matter if I'm the hottest thing since Esther - who cares?

I may have made really close friends over the last 3 or 4 years. But it doesn't mean I have to close myself off from noticing you sitting there alone. Taking time to ask you how you're doing doesn't mean I have to make you a bridesmaid in my future wedding.

People think making friends is not convenient, maybe because it changes the dynamic of 'their group' or means facing the possibility of rejection. But guess what? It's pretty inconvenient to miss out on meeting that person that might brighten your day, or that one day will offer you a scantron, or that might someday open up to you and share that YOU made a difference in them for life.

I'm going to break the silence. So we have boj's on campus. We also have really snotty people wearing name-brand 'not-jeans'. This doesn't mean I have to turn my head when I pass a boj and then turn my head again because I'm passing a person who I think is snotty. This means I can still smile at them, regardless of who they are or whether they smile back. I can forgive people who have unknowingly sent messages to me without ever meeting me. Because that's who I choose to be.

I think people are scared to make more friends on campus because they're afraid it means they'll have to hang out all the time with people they don't know or necessarily like. Making friends, though, means just BEING a friend. This may just mean little things for a portion of your life - like smiling, nodding, inviting them to join your friends once or twice. Or it may mean the best friendship you'll ever have and that you would have missed out on if you hadn't gone out of your way to extend the hand of friendship. You don't have to expect ANYTHING from them - they may hate you and there you go. But be nice to more than 3 people. It won't kill you.

Starting over is tough. There have been times when I've thought - boy, if I didn't have God, I'd have almost no one. But I'm trusting Him that He understands and He called me to be in a very lonely place to point me back to Him. He knows that by me just trying my best to encourage others who feel the same way, this campus can be a little less lonely by sharing the unconditional love of Christ.

That's the end of my rant.

A Crying Shame

There will always be that girl who is prettier than you. There will be the coworker who has years of experience that you won't have for, well...several years. There will be the world class whatever that can outclass and outshine and outdo you until you're blue in the face.

You're given these tools and one day you look down at the two hands God gave you and you think, "It's just not enough!"

I had that kind of day yesterday. I've always been pretty well-rounded, but that also comes with the curse of being average at pretty much everything. As a result, while I may be working hard at a lot of different things, I never excel at any one thing.

So, having my hand in so many pots, I find myself this semester in a TV class - with no experience, whatsoever. I've been feeling pretty good about being in front of the camera for my class project, but when I went to go practice yesterday in the TV studio, this little freshman was in there and no matter how nice I was, she snubbed me like I was dirt. No big deal - I shook it off and thought, "She's probably like 18. Who cares if her complexion is flawless and she looks like she just stepped out of a beauty pageant. I'm 22 - those things don't bother me anymore."

Wrong. I got in front of the camera to do weather and unfortunately I could SEE myself as I pointed at the stupid little suns on the national map. It was all I could do to not stop the show to use the projected screen as a mirror and change like EVERYTHING about myself. My bangs were in this awkward between stage, my face had broken out the day before, my shirt suddenly looked dumpy....it was BAD. Then of course she floats on as weather and anchor next, and I couldn't help but think that even when she messed up it was perfect.

I'm reminded of a story my mom told me when I was a girl. She lived in a tiny village in the mountains of Kentucky and she was the star pianist of the church and school there. One day she met a man and she followed him to a college in Greenville, SC (incidentally the same college where I attend now). She waltzed into the music department expecting to overwhelm it with her talent, only to find that she was insanely out-talented. Personally, I wouldn't have felt jealous because I would DIE if I had to dedicate my life to hours of music!

But it was her THING and it ate her up. No matter how hard she tried, she felt smaller and smaller every day. But later when she returned to her little mountain village with her husband, she realized a very important thing. Those virtuoso's could be as talented as they wanted, but that talent wasn't going to help the village where my mom lived, because they were all somewhere else. The point is that my mom was needed, and she couldn't just give up because she wasn't as talented as someone thousands of miles away. God gave her a unique opportunity and a unique set of talents that were just what she needed. Who knows, if God HAD given her more talents, she may have been summoned to a different place, a different time, a different husband, a different daughter (a real SHAME on that last one). He knew exactly what she needed.

And it's true that God has given me everything I need, too. The girl that's prettier and better and wittier is not omnipresent. God knows I'm going to be in situations that she'll never face someday - and they're going to need me, not her. They're going to need my unique perspective, my sense of humor, my well-roundedness (hopefully referring to my future talents, not shape).

So I can't just give up.

Does it suck that I haven't reached a state of perfection by 22? Heck, yeah. Am I shocked that I'm not perfect by now? YES. But God knows that if I DID have that perfect face, I maybe would be in a whole different place, different time, different future man, different future children. To throw out my imperfections and miss out on His best? Now THAT would be a shame.

D+ Campus Strictness

So I've been trying to hold it in. I've been telling myself, DON'T write about it. But since I'm operating under a pseudonym, I finally feel the freedom to get it off my chest.

My school is rated on campus prowler as a D+ on strictness. Underneath that rating, several students from my college wrote how thankful they were for the rules, how they didn't like them at first, but how the rules MOLDED them. I'm here to tell you that those people who commented have already graduated and they can speak with such calm wisdom because the rules no longer affect them.

Admittedly when I wasn't a student here for a spell, the rules became pretty foggy and honestly they didn't bother me that much while I was on campus.

At my former job, people used to tease me for being so conservative. I always dressed up - slacks and a blazer - I wanted to dress for the job I wanted, not the job I had. I was a college sunday school teacher, a representative for my employer in the community, a hispanic children's church teacher, and an active member of our Bible Study. Life had its ups and downs for sure - but of one thing I was confident--I LOVED being a Christian. I didn't drink to have fun- didn't need to. My relationship with God was constantly top priority, my focus was on learning more of HIM, I was in love with spending time with God's people, and I was constantly inviting people to join me.

Then I came back. My teachers are awesome. I'm half-way through the semester and I feel like I'm getting a truly quality education. And then the administration opens their mouth. Instantly, I feel like a child. Not only do they severely regulate what I wear on-campus, but they regulate what I wear OFF-campus--in my own neighborhood, at my off-campus work, at the grocery store, and even behind the girl's dorms. The latest thing that ticks me off? I just got an email saying that we needed to go into campus and have the Dean of Women check all pants that we plan to wear off-campus. WOA. I'm looking at my closet literally thinking - where do I start? When did this become the job of the university?

The worst part is that the administration is constantly reminding us that we are not to post any complaints on facebook or anywhere public. We are strictly told never to speak to the press (that's normal for most organization's, but here it just seems like another ploy to keep us silent). I'm all about looking at the positive side of things and shutting up when you want to complain. But do they really have to put "do not complain" in the form of a sermon? They should probably just say, "Hey, we know we have a D+ rating on strictness and our enrollment numbers are down, so please help us appear better to the next generation of students by not telling them what it's really like."

So I go from in love with God and absolutely loving the involvement I could have in my church to....dreading the stiffness of church. It's like you sit in those pews and you can just FEEL the obligation. Everyone is OBLIGED to be there. There's no heart!! There's no waving of hands or singing it out on the chorus. There's just a stiff suit up there telling the congregation to keep up with a hymn that should have been quietly laid to rest about 10 years ago.

The thing that gets me is that everyone is so focused on having a "Christian spirit" - so any freedom of speech is actually frowned on. Men are the leaders, women are to prepare to be good submissive wives. I actually agree that men should be the leader in the home and I constantly am learning that I SHOULDN'T be in control. I gladly hand over the reigns. But this spirit of quietness feels smothering! The administration is so obviously working hard to increase numbers. But I as the prospective student would be looking at three things - accredidation, finances, and balance.

Regarding balance, when I'm choosing a school, I want to know - do you guide me so I can learn what is appropriate in society? Do you teach me what is professional? Do you encourage me to pursue Christ? In this way rules are SO good - because I don't want to be on a campus where I'm being pressured to do wrong things. But I'm also wanting to know - do you treat me like an adult? Do you let me make my own decisions about things that are not explicitly stated in scripture as being wrong? Does God REALLY hate what I would choose to do, or do YOU just not like it? Are you sexist?

It's a bold thing to say, but I'm going to say it. I'm convinced if my school were led by women, it wouldn't have quite so many rules for women. I.E. The majority of strict rules are regulating the women, NOT THE MEN. Notice, the women were asked to get their pants checked, not men. Imbalance? But since we all have such a quiet spirit, no one's actually going to raise this point because then we would be branded as an unsubmissive, unchristian woman.

I want to stop complaining and just do something constructive about it. I really want to pray about it, go to the administration and speak the truth in love as to WHY their numbers are down. But then they would know my name....

All I can say is that the difference between the freedom to be a Christian and the obligation to be a Christian is so stark - I am astonished at the way it affects even me. Let the black sheep show their colors! Then you have less hypocrites!!

All I can say is that I won't be inviting anyone to join my new Christian circle any time soon.

Alone...or am I?

Silence. In this moment I feel panic. I feel small. I see faceless crowds. I reach for my phone, feeling the need to text someone, anyone. I have the constant need to feel connected.

And then I remember.

"My Grace is sufficient for you. My power is made perfect in your weakness." 2 Cor 12:9a

I put my phone down. I listen again. I hear the rustling of autumn trees. A bird begins trilling and chirping. There's traffic in the distance. I hear more than just people's voices--three girls are talking about their weekend, two businessmen are discussing private student loan options, and a mixed group is trying to quiz each other before the next hour. They are individual people. It's ok that they don't know me. The sun is shining and warming my shoulders. The breeze blows my hair. I see mountains in the distance.

"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weakness so that Christ's power may rest on me." 2 Cor 12:9b

I take this moment to stop, quiet my mind, and talk to God. He made me. He allows every circumstance. Instead of changing those circumstances, He teaches me through them. The circumstance I'm in right now? Nothing horrible actually-- just loneliness. And it's not for lack of people. It's the addiction I have to constant attention.

Guess what God's teaching me? It's not all about me. It's ok to play a background scene, or be a supportive friend, or do the kind thing and say no to a guy. I don't always need to be the director or the talent. I can be just as at peace in God's grace to be alone as I can be at peace to forge ahead into this unknown future.

In the end, I trust His plan. I don't want to. But I choose to.

Single in a Crowd

Single in a crowd,
You single me out,
Your eyes find mine
My eyes close.
I've known too many men
My eyes are trying to say
I respect you too much
To screw it up.
My arms are strangely open
To the ones I don't value.
If I'm not letting you in
It's because you have the power
To hurt me.
I enjoy adoration
From all the wrong men.
I struggle in the crowd
To look up.
I'm stepping outside of His will
I welcome the rain
Outside of His umbrella
I seek instead a path of my own
But I can't find a place
Where He can't find me
I walk past so many umbrellas
And I wish I had the courage
To trust Him.
To wait for you.
To know I don't need a crowd.
And I don't need to look for you.
I need only look up,
And find that the restricting umbrella
Is really a rainbow.

Try not to hate me...

Don't hate me. But today I was kind of one of those people I like to hate. Two things I hate the most: good test-takers and players.

I literally asked today during tallying up our test grades in class, "Can you get more than a 100% on this test?" Like I tried to think of a way to say it and NOT sound snotty - because I NEVER get the 100% and all four bonus points! The girl next to me sounded pretty confident that if I phrased it that way it wasn't going to sound snotty. From the collective groan of the class, I clearly failed. So I failed SOMETHING today. haha Anyways, so that was a cloud 9 feeling. I think I've become a better test/quiz taker. Two years sitting out has been good for me!

Then tonight I had some friends over. Well, I threw a party. It was small - like 8 people. But it was a success. I AM NOT A PARTY THROWER. I'm like a coffee maker and a sweat-pants wearer. At the party was N - that old friend I ran into. Also at the party was A, my "ex" (if you can call it that cuz it was so long ago) who is now engaged. Also there was D who would do anything for me and asks me out regularly. When my girlfriends that came were asking me if I was into N (who used to be into me and I think he's just a friend now), I said no. They asked if he's who I went to lunch with - no that was two different guys. My friends asked if that's the guy I've been seeing this last month. No, that's J. Do you see what kind of bullet J is dodging. I kind of cooled things with J this last week. Feeling like I'm sparing him since I'm not completely able to overlook some things about him.

So....I'm a test-acing, party-throwing player? No, I think the last 22 years of my life mean a little more than the last 24 hours. By tomorrow I'll be back to my average-brained, inconspicuous, non-dramatic life. The monster I created today is temporary, so you really CAN'T hate me, can you?