It's scary to be so happy

We haven't said those words yet. But in an effort to avoid writing a legal brief for class, I'm here. My little fingers are furiously typing on this wretched Dell keyboard on keys that have known me since my freshman year in 08. And I see his smile. The way he looks at me. The way he encourages me. The way he's so patient with me.

And I love him.

But I don't say it because I'm afraid I'll mess it up. It's the only reason I try to deny that I love him. It's scary to be so happy. But last night I was grading his paper and ripping it apart, and I gave him a merciful A-. And he says, "Babe, what would you really give me?" And I wasn't thinking and said "my heart haha". He said "would you really?" And I said "if you want it". Anyways he wanted it, and then we did this really sappy exchange of hearts over text. It's really sickening in the light of day but last night it seemed really sweet. UG. WHAT IS HE TURNING ME INTO????

He said he's glad I don't remember single life and he's going to do his best to keep me from ever experiencing it again. Let's just say he has said a minimum of 5 times that he wants to marry me and give me his last name. He's not possessive but he is fascinated with this idea that I am his and no one else's. :P

But seriously. I'm having a hard time remembering what I did with my time when I was single. What was life before him? I thought I would feel limited to be with one guy. And yet I don't know what I was so afraid of - it's great. As it is now, when I'm not with my friend at school and working on some project I'm with him. And I think I could spend all my time with him and not feel like I was missing out on anything at all. He makes me feel like I don't need anything else but God and then him.

Let me show you what a good guy he is. Yesterday, I conducted a failed social experiment. Literally, I pictured a hundred people freezing all over the front of campus holding thank you cards and then we would get on our radio show and talk about positive communication and speak out against cyberbullying! Instead, you have me and a straggling few freezing in front of campus with panicked looks in our eyes as people stare at us as they pass by. And we're holding these signs that say "Take a moment. Thank someone." My cheeks were burning with shame. It was supposed to be a freeze MOB but it turned out to be a freeze trickle. I think they caught me on camera saying I wanted to crawl under a pillow. I didn't even get the phrase "crawl under a rock" right!!! Afterwards, I got interviews of the thankful few and later realized I hadn't even pressed record. Let's just say it was an EPIC fail. And Andrew was one of the 10 people that showed up and froze with me. Let's just say I wanted to sarcastically thank the 50 people who had said on facebook they would be "attending" the event and then just never showed up. Included in the no-shows was the guy who came up with the idea to do the freeze mob. He had NO excuses!!

And Andrew just calmed me down. He thought it was adorable that I was doing it and he supported me even though he had a class in the next 5 minutes. He makes me feel special and he listens to me rant about the injustice in the world! He just has this way of shutting me up haha. He has good ideas sometimes that really make me think about things I can do instead of throwing my hands up in the air.

Today I was having issues with my schedule for next semester and he's like, "Well, let's go talk to them." I wanted to just give up and talk about all the brick walls I was hitting. But instead I followed him upstairs to find the Dean's office and he sat outside patiently while I talked to him for about 35 minutes. When I got out he didn't complain about how long I'd taken or how he didn't realize it would be that long. He just said, "How did it go?"

Two months ago I would have said he didn't deserve me and I was only into him for the physical. Today I would say that I don't deserve him and I love him for who he is.

Critical Learning Curve

I still see my Dad showing me how to wash the front window at my house. I was 16. He watched me cleaning it for a minute and then said, "No. Clean like this." He took the papertowel from my hand and went higher and cleaned up and down. I started trying to reach higher, trying to clean it like he wanted. He shook his head. "NO. Like THIS. Stop being disobedient." I'm sure I was doing it all wrong. I'm sure my cleaning job looked atrocious. But I remember being so frustrated that he couldn't see how hard I was trying. It was like that for most of my growing up years. I would work hard on something and he would find the flaw. I think he believed he was helping me learn perfection. I just felt criticized, humiliated, and frustrated. I got so I didn't even want to tell him what was going on because I didn't want to be criticized for both the good and bad things I had done.

For that reason, I have always wanted to be someone who is approachable. I've always wanted to be that person you can go to with any problem, any failure, any acheivement and I will lift them up. I have wanted to be an encourager - not someone who finds flaws and tears people apart. For the most part, I feel like I have been this person. I've never had a shortage of friends and counseling opportunities and young girls who have looked up to me as an example.

But then you come to look at my dating life. You survey the damage and find bodies of men strewn across the battlefield. These are the bodies of men who have opened up their hearts to me. They chose to be my closest companion. They chose to cherish me and spend money on me and be vulnerable with me. And I selfishly loved the first two weeks of it. But there's this fascinating thing about a relationship - you have to make a commitment to the other person to love the good AND the bad. And about the time when he begins opening up to me, I start noticing his flaws. At first it's just an annoying habit or two. Then I begin questioning everything about him. I begin to focus on something about him that I don't like and suddenly I can see nothing else he does right. Instead of meditating on his good qualities and instead of showing even the slightest hint of selfless love toward his imperfections, I begin the cruelest attack of all - I dismiss him without giving him a chance. I bring up an issue and he writhes around trying to explain himself. And I say with great justification to be rid of him, "Ok. This is why I'm saying goodbye."

But the issue is not his flaw, poor fellow. It's the fact that I am my Dad. My 15 year old child is standing in front of me trying so hard to please me. And I tell them, "No. Do it my way. My way is the only right way. You're doing it all wrong. You can't do anything right."

For this first time in my life I'm realizing that I do this with the me in my life. This is why I am so indecisive about men and why I am so terrified of commitment. In the moment of passion and sophisticated dates I'm like, Heck yeah, take me down that aisle and put that diamond on my finger. But in the moment when he is most vulnerable and broken and stupid and careless - I don't seek to love him selflessly. I look down at him and I cruelly rub salt into the wounds he has revealed. I don't cherish and protect his heart. I rip it open and then broadcast his failures when I'm done with him.

All I can say is - Why the HECK is Andrew dating me? Not only am I full of physical imperfection but I am also sometimes the most cruel woman you could ever meet. I am selfish and I am thoughtless in my words toward him. I give him things because I care about him, yes. But a part of me does it only because he gave to me and I want to repay him.

Yesterday he opened up to me. He shared flaw after flaw and stupid moment after careless moment. Nothing he did was big or a deal breaker. But in my eyes it reduced him from a powerful, sexy, perfect guy to a little boy. And the more I thought about it the more I didn't like him. I didn't want him to touch me and I definitely didn't want to talk about a future with him. I didn't say any of this last night, though. I really have been working on being more thoughtful when I am with him. But I was silent and he always knows that means something is wrong.

So today he asked me multiple times to tell him what was bothering me. And I HATED to say anything because I KNEW it was all stupid. But I spoke because I would rather argue than be silent with him. I should have immediately prayed about it last night and been doen with it. Instead I lit into him. I let him have it. I brought up the DUMBEST things - from how he bites his nails to how he slathers his hamburger with ketchup. And he listened, thought carefully, and explained. But I wouldn't hear it - I had already moved on to "the deeper significance" of these little things. I told him it all made me see him as careless and stupid.

No one can accuse me of not speaking my mind.

I came home to find that he had written me a private message on Facebook last night after he had been with me.

It read:
"hey babe, i just want you to know that i care about you so much. not only for the physical but more because of who you are! i really like how compassionate you are, not only to me but to others. i really like that you want to be involved with church. i love how when you set your mind on something you just go for it, and no one will stop you. i love just spending time with you and we don't even have to be talking. i love playing games with you, whether i win or lose. i love how i can go to you no matter what it is and you will just listen or give me advice. i think you have so many good qualities babe!! i also believe, that in the future, you will also be a great wife and mother! you are just an amazing woman, with an amazing personality, and i am lucky that you would say to be in a relationship with me! i think you are beautiful and that and the physical is just an added bonus! you are the complete package :)"

Can I just say that I wish the floor would swallow me up? Here I am, brandishing a sword - WAITING for him to mess up. And he literally bows to offer me his neck and while he's down there he bares his vulnerable soul to the cruelest woman viking in the world.

So how do I fight myself? How do I fight back my cruel dating pattern? How do I truly learn selfless love that cherishes this guy I care about?

#1. Meditate on scripture that helps me remember how GOD defines selfless love.
Phillipians 2:4, "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others."
1 Corinthians 13, "Love is kind....Love is not self-seeking"

Love is NOT self gratification.

#2. Write a list of his good qualities and meditate on them.

#3. Be willing to acknowledge/share my own faults, failures, and flaws. These are the things HE will have to over-look when he is loving me.

#4. Instead of sharing frustrations with my friends in a way that might embarrass him, seek wise counsel from someone I trust in an effort to improve MY response, not in an effort to complain about him.

#5. Pray about it before talking to him about what's bothering me.

#6. Let him be his own person. He does not have to be just like me. I don't have to control him in any way at all. He doesn't have to be perfect. He just has to be himself. Do I LOVE him for who he is? Or do I ony love him when he is doing something for me? The answer doesn't tell me there's something wrong with him - it only tells me whether I am practicing self love.

#7. Think through how he completes me by being different from me. So today I think he's stupid. Maybe he's just stupid in ways that I'm smart and I'm stupid in ways that he's smart. 
       He thinks through feelings better than I do.  He can express feelings much better than I can and he helps me express my feelings.
       He has a better attention span than me. It's like I have all these blank holes in my brain from times when I wasn't paying attention and he fills in those holes for me.
       His brain is wired to understand science and math far better than me. I just happen to be wired for English which is why I can tease him when he messes up with a spelling or pronunciation.
       Part of the reason I think he's stupid is because he's really humble about the good things. He's not always bragging about the good things people say about him. He only tells me those things when I ask.
       Even when he acts stupid he lights up people's lives in a silly fun way that I could never do. He makes people feel at home by putting himself last and paying complete attention to them.
       He is smart when it comes to me. He knows and repeats the things I like and he never forces me to do anything. He pays attention to what I say. He is NOT selfish with my time. He always tells me to put my responsibilities first and him second.
       He is smart about the things of God. He spends a lot of time in His word and he knows what God teaches both in his head and his heart.
       He reads slower than me. This doesn't mean he's stupid. It just so happens that I read REALLY fast.
       So what if he's not exceptional at anything. We can serve God and be average together and I should be able to love him for HIM and not for what he can do.

#8. Ask myself - what are my motives for being with him?

1.       Am I just in the relationship for the physical, or can I truly be his best friend first?

2.       Do I make him a better person like he makes me a better person?

3.       Am I being GOOD to him?

4.       Do I pray for him?

5.       Do I pray about him?

6.       Do I trust God with him?

7.       Do I make him want to grow closer to God?

8.       Do I have to be in control?

9.       Do I have expectations of him?

10.   Am I humble around him and do I put him first?

11.   Do I lift him up or tear him down?

12.   Are the qualities I focus on qualities that will matter for eternity?

13.   Do I think less of him because of his life’s circumstances or am I understanding of things he can’t help?

14.   Would I be any better in his field of study/work?

15.   Do I try to help him with his problems or I diligently judge?

16.   Do I want him to be perfect and therefore shut him out when I see flaws?

17.   Can I ask God for grace?

18.   Can I ask God for wisdom?

19.   Can I be OPEN to God’s will – the good AND the bad, not just the fairy tale ending?

20.   Do we make good partners to serve Christ?