End of the World Confessions

Well, I don't know about you, but with just an hour left before the end of the world, my facebook feed is blowing up with confessions that couldn't wait for the apocolypse. Guys are revealing hello kitty fascinations and married couples are feeling the need to publicly announce their deep love for each other. And then there's me. Watching through the entire first season of Scandal, licking the last of a pint of mint icecream off my spoon, and lying in bed for most of the day in my jammies. Yes. This IS the way I wanna go out.

That, and I'll also confess something to you. Something really juicy. I got an internship today!! Well, maybe that's just bragging and not a confession. But it's downtown and in a fancy building - aren't you happy for me? Here's my confession - I love interviews. It's crazy but I come into that office and deliver with the intent of seeing some eyebrows rise. I think I just like to talk about myself. Literally it's a free 15-30 minutes to talk all about me. I dress to impress and I over-prepare - it's disgusting. I'm there early to calm my nerves and maybe sip on some light coffee. I'm constantly building my resume - so much that I'm always having to condense or highlight only the most pertinent job experience. Anyways, yeah, I'll be spending my summer downtown in meetings and in suit-coats. I'll be walking those cobbled streets and becoming a regular at coffee underground. There's something about the sound of heels clicking on the sidewalk, a $4.30 latte, long hair pulled back enough to say it's still sexy but we're keeping it professional, and a pant suit that may have set me back only $40 but makes me feel like I'm floating on clouds. Professional clouds.

I love working. I work late. I thrive under pressure. I do extra, not because I want to get ahead, but because I'm not happy with myself until the problem is solved.

So, yes, in answer to your unasked questions, I WILL be the inspiration of some chick flick someday.

Ok. Now the world can end.

Mawwiage is what bwings us togethah

I sit here in my living room. I hear a distant train, the steady tick-tick of a clock that never keeps the right time, the typing of my fingers...and peaceful quiet. My mind wanders.

I watched JP and Ashley get their fairy tail wedding today. Don't listen to what they tell you. This wedding did not happen December 1st. No, it happened tonight in my living room. I experienced an unlikely, unconventional, modern wedding that had me sighing and dreaming like almost any other girl. In that moment, I experienced every failed relationship, every dashed hope, every day that I grow older and more imperfect without him. And I experienced the beauty of finding true love that was worth waiting for. I saw a wedding that any girl would dream to have. Afer watching their bliss, I could focus on the failures of my own love life. But instead I want to focus on the beauty of what the future may hold.

Please don't be horrified that I watch the Bachelorette. This doesn't mean I wish I could be in their shoes -- on the contrary! I can't help but laugh at all the drama they bring on themselves. Maybe it makes me feel a little more sane and my love life a little less crazy.

Speaking of which, my texting broke. That's another way of saying that I reached my texting limit. I'd say I don't think I'll make it another week, buuuut the texts I've been getting are so pointless anyway. Literally this guy Andrew texts me all day about like routine things. I don't understand texts like,
"What are u doing?"
"Oh, cool, want to text me afterward?"
"Where are u now?"
"Are you having fun? Why?"
So pointless! To me, texting should have a purpose. Yeah, I hear how I sound.... :P This is a girl with limited texts talking.

I slept in and worked from noon to 5:30 today. That was super nice that they gave me some extra hours at work. Got me out of the house.

I feel like my blog should have more structure. Like, dating do's and DO NOTS. But I enjoy this rambling. It clears my head and makes me happy. Maybe I'll try doing a structured post and see how that goes. :) Just for me!

Oh Snap

Snap.

Just like that I snap a picture and she is frozen forever that way. I lower my ISO because there's plenty of natural light and I open up the shutter speed another dial to let the light pour in on my subject. I change my angle slightly and straighten the mountainous background by straightening the body of my camera.

Snap.

Just like that I snap my fingers and the semester is over. I have a similar feeling that I have after a good photo-shoot--satisfaction. I get lingering satisfaction from a photo-shoot because I have hours of editing and messing with colors of my shots. Then I post them and the internet lights up in my little corner of the social network where those that love the subject comment on their favorites. That makes my day. And I get satisfaction at the end of a semester because I can scroll over my Facebook reel....I can remember how I met people....how I enjoyed certain activities....how I wouldn't go back for anything because NOW is so much better.

Oh, snap.

Just like that I get a text from Adam that more or less says he is 2 minutes away from where I'm standing downtown...but he can't see me because he's with his family. Translation: the guy I've talked to online for a year, that convinced me he was my soulmate, and then said it wasn't worth talking to me anymore because he was being deployed, is literally texting me to tell me he's in spitting distance of me but that it's just not a good time for him to walk that spitting distance to say hey. Wow, thanks for texting. I'll take my love-life off hold now.

But I didn't let that crappy text ruin my evening. Literally, Thursday I finally let go of this crazy idea that we would ever meet and Friday was the first day I didn't think about him in a month. So, no, I was not going to let him get inside my head on the very next Saturday. I know I talk about him like he's a villain and he's not a bad guy, but what kind of guy messes around with girl's heads like this? This is the third time he's done something like this... I'd like to say I'm still giving it to God but as of Thursday I stopped praying for him and I just said screw it and I told God I don't need him. Whether that's right or wrong, I don't know. All I know is I'm going out with other guys and I'm not hanging around waiting for this lurker. Who knows? Maybe he really is an internet stalker and he's afraid to reveal himself because he's really Frankenstein-esque and he's afraid the love of his life won't accept him for who he is. It's the modern-day Frankenstein love story that has never been written! Love it....now I have something to do over break. :)

How to get over that guy

I've figured it out. Give it to God. Then zumba dance in a sports bra and work out until you can't dance anymore. Sometimes when you feel better about yourself you just can't help but realize that he's crazy to not be with you.

There will be days when that little red devil with the pitch fork will sit on your shoulder and he'll say that you're stuck going on endless dates with a guy who needs about 10 years longer than the normal guy to mature, or the guy who's TOO mature and tries to be both your date and your pastor. I'm sorry, you're a nice guy but good Christian girl's need the sexy, too. I officially give you permission to squish the devil. He's WRONG. There is the right guy out there for every girl - not the perfect guy....but the right guy worth waiting 22 plus years for.

People have been lying to you when they tell you need three dates to know. There's a huge difference between needing several dates to 'give him a chance' and having one conversation and just knowing there's no one else like him.

That guy I never thought existed...he does exist. But he's world's away. And I'm not going to call him or text him or email him or facebook him. Because I respect him.

And these things....they're so small compared to what other people are dealing with. My bestie called me today. When I say bestie I mean BESTIE - as in girl who's know all my secrets since like the third grade. I mean the girl I love like a sister. The girl I stood up for in her wedding - the girl I threw a bachelorette party for. The girl I would do anything for.

Her life is falling apart. Wish I could be there. Basically everything she's treasured is turning upside down and she's relying on God like never before. I can't IMAGINE how strong she's being!! I prayed for her today and realized how much I care for her. And God cares for both of us - through our hugely significant and insignificant problems. He cares. How cool is that?

I'm so undeserving of so much love. I recognize that I can't have "love" because I'm hopelessly unpleasable by the guys that I hang out with right now. But I have a love that is so much sweeter and will never leave me; my heavenly Father. My relationship with him is so sweet - I can tell him anything. He knows what I'm going through and what my bestie is facing and he has it under control - I can't control any of it. And he's doing a pretty good job. I trust him.

:)

Don't worry baby

Love this song by the Beach Boys. It takes me to another time. Please know, I certainly wasn't alive when this song was made since I was born in the 90s. BUT I used to listen to the Beach Boys in highschool and this song just takes me back to a simpler time when I was trying to choose between my brother's best friend and the guy who eventually became my boyfriend. It was an Edward versus Jake scenario - and I chose Jake.

Why borrow trouble? It doesn't make it stop coming. And it doesn't bring it. It's just extra mental clutter.

Fact is, I think about my grown up version of Jake every day. But I trust God. When I can't talk to him I talk to Him.

Date Swap

Ever been on a date swap? Well I was on an unofficial one last night. This guy Andrew asked me to go iceskating with him and talked on and on about holding my hand while we skated. Whatever. Then last minute he had too much homework and his best friend went in his place. And his best friend and I held hands instead. And then Andrew texted me and asked me to go out next Friday to make it up to me. Weird. In my eyes they're both in the friend zone. But then they're both pretty flirtatious. Maybe now I know what it's like to be a friend with mild benefits.

Guess I won't be giving relationship advice anytime soon.