I went on a date today. It was everything a first date should be. He bought me coffee and I savored it's coco-nutty richness as I listened to him talk about his family and their game nights. I laughed at his jokes - even the ones that weren't funny. I opened up just enough to be interesting and he wanted to hear more. We visited quaint little stores and laughed at the crazy things people call art. We strolled down the streets of downtown Greenville, me in my bright yellow pants and adorable Sperry rainboots and him in his collared shirt and jeans. I with my imperfections and him with his. And I had a good time.
The most mortifying thing would have been to feel like he did not enjoy himself with me. The most awful feeling after such a great date would be rejection.
Yet, in a surprising turn of events, he didn't reject me. In fact, he asked to buy my dinner. I declined. I had a lot of homework.
He later texted me and asked if he could see more of me. I didn't respond. I didn't know what to say. He then asked if he could call me regularly and get to know me better.
I felt sick. He had driven an hour and half from Georgia to see me. He was willing to do it again and again. I felt sick because he was so sweet but I wasn't into him that way. It's not that he was bad looking. I couldn't put my finger on it. But I just didn't feel a peace about dragging him through a relationship that I didn't see going anywhere. I've done that to guys before purely because I want to be in a relationship and not because I was trying to be malicious.
I recognize that I can't be picky forever. I recognize that I'm getting older. But I also recognize that it is unfair to date someone "just because" when my heart is somewhere else.
So I did the kindest thing I could - I thanked him for the evening but told him that I didn't think we were a match. I feel sick because he was so sweet and I am so undeserving.
Rejection is never easy.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Loving the Unlovely
I'm having one of those days where I wonder - what am I doing with my life? I feel stuck in this college stage. I'm ready to be married, but not ready to marry any of the guys I've met. I'm 22. I feel like every day is just another day of entropy....breakdown...becoming less beautiful every day.
And then I remember my new years resolution. Instead of picking a physical goal, I pick a characteristic of God that I want to learn over the each new year. Last year it was Trust. The year before, Patience. This year it is Selfless Love. Boy, that's a powerful characteristic that I see in God on a daily basis. If I were Him, I never would have sent my only Son to earth to die for an ingrate like myself. I just simply don't deserve that kind of love. I think of my childhood friend who had a stroke at age 12 and has been in a vegetable state ever since. Just this week they pulled the plug. She died at 22. Why wasn't that me? We used to play together. I think of her family and all the time and love they gave her even though she could never speak again. 10 years. That's selfless love.
So when I focus 99% of my day on my flaws, I'm actually focusing 99% of my day on self love. I don't want my day to be that way. I want to be so busy serving God and others that I don't have time to dwell on self-pity and discouraging inward thoughts.
The point is, Jesus came to earth and demonstrated a love unlike any other to very unlovely people - a love that He never expected to be repayed for. He didn't expect repayment, though, because He loves the world. All He asks is that we accept His free gift of eternal life.
So I want to be more and more like my Saviour every day. I want to love without expecting anything in return. I want to love the unlovely. I want to love the success of others more than myself. I want to lay up my treasures in heaven, because the treasures and beauties of this earth DO corrupt and rust and other people can even steal them away.
Guess What. There's nothing more beautiful than love.
And then I remember my new years resolution. Instead of picking a physical goal, I pick a characteristic of God that I want to learn over the each new year. Last year it was Trust. The year before, Patience. This year it is Selfless Love. Boy, that's a powerful characteristic that I see in God on a daily basis. If I were Him, I never would have sent my only Son to earth to die for an ingrate like myself. I just simply don't deserve that kind of love. I think of my childhood friend who had a stroke at age 12 and has been in a vegetable state ever since. Just this week they pulled the plug. She died at 22. Why wasn't that me? We used to play together. I think of her family and all the time and love they gave her even though she could never speak again. 10 years. That's selfless love.
So when I focus 99% of my day on my flaws, I'm actually focusing 99% of my day on self love. I don't want my day to be that way. I want to be so busy serving God and others that I don't have time to dwell on self-pity and discouraging inward thoughts.
The point is, Jesus came to earth and demonstrated a love unlike any other to very unlovely people - a love that He never expected to be repayed for. He didn't expect repayment, though, because He loves the world. All He asks is that we accept His free gift of eternal life.
So I want to be more and more like my Saviour every day. I want to love without expecting anything in return. I want to love the unlovely. I want to love the success of others more than myself. I want to lay up my treasures in heaven, because the treasures and beauties of this earth DO corrupt and rust and other people can even steal them away.
Guess What. There's nothing more beautiful than love.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Am I in a Catfish Relationship?
It's 1:58 in the afternoon and I'm lying in bed. I look to my right and there tucked under the blankets beside me is a box of kleenex. Unlike what you're thinking, I didn't have a devastating Skype session last night and I'm not in a relationship with my kleenex - I'm just miserably sick. One of those nasty head colds that hits you unexpectedly right on your first day back at school. The good news? I finish class three days a week by 11:30. So, I consider it a great luxury that I'm curled under the warm covers right now.
So, Catfish. It's a movie (now also a show) that my brother introduced me to last night. Basically the idea is that many people carry on full year-long relationships online with people that are nothing like what they claim to be. Everytime you're going to hang out, these people come up with convenient reasons not to, and everytime you want to Skype they can't figure out the technology or they don't want to. Their profile pictures are stolen from other people's sites and they fudge personal details.
The thing is, Adam looks so average so there's no reason he would be pretending to be someone else! I didn't like him for his looks or his six pack (which he incidentally does have). I like him because of his personality, his sense of humor, and because of his faith in God.
But, like I predicted, that Skype session almost didn't happen last night. And it was purely because Adam didn't feel like it. When he said he was too tired, my first thought was that I was probably in a Catfish relationship. I imagined that this guy has been pretending to be this military guy and all along he's really just a bum who rebounds on me every now and then. I also felt a little hurt that he repeatedly has strung me along for almost a year, giving me high hopes one week when he thinks he may not be deployed and dashing them the next week because he thinks he's being deployed again. I have felt like a relationship of convenience...and not even a relationship, because he continually expresses interest in me or attraction to the way I look but never DTR's. I don't know if this is just the military talking, or if he genuinely could care less if we were to date someday.
And yet he ended up skyping with me anyway last night, and he was just like I thought he would be. He was funny and he teased me a lot. He was normal. I liked him. But, thankfully, I was guarded this time. I've learned that he makes all sorts of promises he can't keep. He even admitted that he "goes with the flow". So I can't help but interpreting that his interest in me waxes and wanes depending on his own circumstances. I'm sorry, but that is so selfish of him, right? My circumstances change and I meet other guys but I'm still interested in him because of our connection - not because of circumstances being convenient.
We were texting today and I finally just asked him if he wants me to drop it. I asked point blank if he wants me to go ahead and say yes to other guys. He basically said he doesn't know because a relationship is never a for sure thing and he would hate for me to put my life on hold until he gets back from his tour for something that wasn't for sure.
I told him that if we met I could know more if I wanted to wait for him. If we could just meet, I feel like I would know if this text/facebook/call/skype connection is the real deal. I said that if I knew it was something worth waiting for I would wait. But I can't....I can NOT be expected to wait for him when I don't even know for sure what kind of chemistry we're dealing with. That's so unfair.
Anyways, he drags his feet on meeting me. He says it's because of the military, but I think he genuinely doesn't want to come see me if he knows he's going to spend the next few months abroad on tour. I know he wanted to see me before he knew he was deploying, and even last night he was his old self flirting and Skyping with me because there was a chance he might have to sit out this tour for medical reasons. But today the doctor confirmed that he was fine to go on tour. And he's back to his clipped texts and his "who know's" and his "go with the frickin flow" attitude.
I'm really trying to keep my cool and not blow it because I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. But it's annoying that I like him but I don't know really know who this guy is. It's annoying that he so glibly comes in and out of my life for the last year when it was convenient for him. And when he does back in my life he comes back full-force in pursuing me, talking for hours and begging me to hang out with him and give him that first date.
Adam, I can deal with. The military, I can deal with. But not this "call me maybe" crap.
The fact is that even though I wanted to, I didn't pray for him to be told by the doctor today that his medical condition was too serious for him to be deployed. I prayed for God's will with his medical condition. I told God, "If he gets cleared today to be deployed, then help me to accept your will. Help me to take that as a sign that this is not supposed to happen."
So what am I doing here. Why entertain a future for a second longer? As crazy as I am about him, I'd be crazy to keep hanging on for my will against God's will. I'd also be crazy to hang on to a guy that doesn't think I'm worth meeting or waiting for. I think it's definitely past time for me to let go.
So, Catfish. It's a movie (now also a show) that my brother introduced me to last night. Basically the idea is that many people carry on full year-long relationships online with people that are nothing like what they claim to be. Everytime you're going to hang out, these people come up with convenient reasons not to, and everytime you want to Skype they can't figure out the technology or they don't want to. Their profile pictures are stolen from other people's sites and they fudge personal details.
The thing is, Adam looks so average so there's no reason he would be pretending to be someone else! I didn't like him for his looks or his six pack (which he incidentally does have). I like him because of his personality, his sense of humor, and because of his faith in God.
But, like I predicted, that Skype session almost didn't happen last night. And it was purely because Adam didn't feel like it. When he said he was too tired, my first thought was that I was probably in a Catfish relationship. I imagined that this guy has been pretending to be this military guy and all along he's really just a bum who rebounds on me every now and then. I also felt a little hurt that he repeatedly has strung me along for almost a year, giving me high hopes one week when he thinks he may not be deployed and dashing them the next week because he thinks he's being deployed again. I have felt like a relationship of convenience...and not even a relationship, because he continually expresses interest in me or attraction to the way I look but never DTR's. I don't know if this is just the military talking, or if he genuinely could care less if we were to date someday.
And yet he ended up skyping with me anyway last night, and he was just like I thought he would be. He was funny and he teased me a lot. He was normal. I liked him. But, thankfully, I was guarded this time. I've learned that he makes all sorts of promises he can't keep. He even admitted that he "goes with the flow". So I can't help but interpreting that his interest in me waxes and wanes depending on his own circumstances. I'm sorry, but that is so selfish of him, right? My circumstances change and I meet other guys but I'm still interested in him because of our connection - not because of circumstances being convenient.
We were texting today and I finally just asked him if he wants me to drop it. I asked point blank if he wants me to go ahead and say yes to other guys. He basically said he doesn't know because a relationship is never a for sure thing and he would hate for me to put my life on hold until he gets back from his tour for something that wasn't for sure.
I told him that if we met I could know more if I wanted to wait for him. If we could just meet, I feel like I would know if this text/facebook/call/skype connection is the real deal. I said that if I knew it was something worth waiting for I would wait. But I can't....I can NOT be expected to wait for him when I don't even know for sure what kind of chemistry we're dealing with. That's so unfair.
Anyways, he drags his feet on meeting me. He says it's because of the military, but I think he genuinely doesn't want to come see me if he knows he's going to spend the next few months abroad on tour. I know he wanted to see me before he knew he was deploying, and even last night he was his old self flirting and Skyping with me because there was a chance he might have to sit out this tour for medical reasons. But today the doctor confirmed that he was fine to go on tour. And he's back to his clipped texts and his "who know's" and his "go with the frickin flow" attitude.
I'm really trying to keep my cool and not blow it because I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. But it's annoying that I like him but I don't know really know who this guy is. It's annoying that he so glibly comes in and out of my life for the last year when it was convenient for him. And when he does back in my life he comes back full-force in pursuing me, talking for hours and begging me to hang out with him and give him that first date.
Adam, I can deal with. The military, I can deal with. But not this "call me maybe" crap.
The fact is that even though I wanted to, I didn't pray for him to be told by the doctor today that his medical condition was too serious for him to be deployed. I prayed for God's will with his medical condition. I told God, "If he gets cleared today to be deployed, then help me to accept your will. Help me to take that as a sign that this is not supposed to happen."
So what am I doing here. Why entertain a future for a second longer? As crazy as I am about him, I'd be crazy to keep hanging on for my will against God's will. I'd also be crazy to hang on to a guy that doesn't think I'm worth meeting or waiting for. I think it's definitely past time for me to let go.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Skype dating
I have a Skype date at 9:00 tomorrow.
I can tell you exactly what will happen tomorrow night before 9. Either my Skype will break, I will be detained at my school indefinitely (which starts up again tomorrow, believe it or not), my computer and all the computers within a mile of my house will break down at exactly 8:59, I'll be there but he won't show up, I'll break out in hives exactly five minutes before I'm supposed to face-time with the man I've never met, or the world will self-implode just as our call connects.
You can see I have high hopes.
Last time I accidentally had a Skype date, it was like 2 1/2 years ago and I had just obtained like a week's worth of amusement via a paranoid taste of online dating. I literally joined five dating sites in a day and then deleted them three days later. I was bored. In the meantime I don't remember why but I gave someone my gmail and he called me and one-way video chatted with me. I just remember I couldn't understand what he was saying and thought it was awkward that I could see him but he couldn't see me. He asked me a question and I said, "Huh? Sure." Not understanding the lingo he used. Next thing I know he's taking off his shirt and I'm like WAIT A MINUTE. I've never slammed my computer shut quicker. So that was my last Skype date. As of late I've only used Skype to call friends and my sister and that has suited me just fine. The truth is I don't want to Skype with this guy. I want to see him in person. But every time we set up a time to meet the world crashes to an end. I truly feel we never will meet and he's just wasting his time now Skyping me.
But a part of me says what the heck. I do like this guy, against all reason. He's leaving for war. I may never ever get a chance to see him if something happens God forbid.
So, yeah, I'm sure after this I'll have some Skype dating etiquette for you. Or I'll just self-implode along with the rest of the world. Either or.
I can tell you exactly what will happen tomorrow night before 9. Either my Skype will break, I will be detained at my school indefinitely (which starts up again tomorrow, believe it or not), my computer and all the computers within a mile of my house will break down at exactly 8:59, I'll be there but he won't show up, I'll break out in hives exactly five minutes before I'm supposed to face-time with the man I've never met, or the world will self-implode just as our call connects.
You can see I have high hopes.
Last time I accidentally had a Skype date, it was like 2 1/2 years ago and I had just obtained like a week's worth of amusement via a paranoid taste of online dating. I literally joined five dating sites in a day and then deleted them three days later. I was bored. In the meantime I don't remember why but I gave someone my gmail and he called me and one-way video chatted with me. I just remember I couldn't understand what he was saying and thought it was awkward that I could see him but he couldn't see me. He asked me a question and I said, "Huh? Sure." Not understanding the lingo he used. Next thing I know he's taking off his shirt and I'm like WAIT A MINUTE. I've never slammed my computer shut quicker. So that was my last Skype date. As of late I've only used Skype to call friends and my sister and that has suited me just fine. The truth is I don't want to Skype with this guy. I want to see him in person. But every time we set up a time to meet the world crashes to an end. I truly feel we never will meet and he's just wasting his time now Skyping me.
But a part of me says what the heck. I do like this guy, against all reason. He's leaving for war. I may never ever get a chance to see him if something happens God forbid.
So, yeah, I'm sure after this I'll have some Skype dating etiquette for you. Or I'll just self-implode along with the rest of the world. Either or.
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