End of the World Confessions

Well, I don't know about you, but with just an hour left before the end of the world, my facebook feed is blowing up with confessions that couldn't wait for the apocolypse. Guys are revealing hello kitty fascinations and married couples are feeling the need to publicly announce their deep love for each other. And then there's me. Watching through the entire first season of Scandal, licking the last of a pint of mint icecream off my spoon, and lying in bed for most of the day in my jammies. Yes. This IS the way I wanna go out.

That, and I'll also confess something to you. Something really juicy. I got an internship today!! Well, maybe that's just bragging and not a confession. But it's downtown and in a fancy building - aren't you happy for me? Here's my confession - I love interviews. It's crazy but I come into that office and deliver with the intent of seeing some eyebrows rise. I think I just like to talk about myself. Literally it's a free 15-30 minutes to talk all about me. I dress to impress and I over-prepare - it's disgusting. I'm there early to calm my nerves and maybe sip on some light coffee. I'm constantly building my resume - so much that I'm always having to condense or highlight only the most pertinent job experience. Anyways, yeah, I'll be spending my summer downtown in meetings and in suit-coats. I'll be walking those cobbled streets and becoming a regular at coffee underground. There's something about the sound of heels clicking on the sidewalk, a $4.30 latte, long hair pulled back enough to say it's still sexy but we're keeping it professional, and a pant suit that may have set me back only $40 but makes me feel like I'm floating on clouds. Professional clouds.

I love working. I work late. I thrive under pressure. I do extra, not because I want to get ahead, but because I'm not happy with myself until the problem is solved.

So, yes, in answer to your unasked questions, I WILL be the inspiration of some chick flick someday.

Ok. Now the world can end.

Mawwiage is what bwings us togethah

I sit here in my living room. I hear a distant train, the steady tick-tick of a clock that never keeps the right time, the typing of my fingers...and peaceful quiet. My mind wanders.

I watched JP and Ashley get their fairy tail wedding today. Don't listen to what they tell you. This wedding did not happen December 1st. No, it happened tonight in my living room. I experienced an unlikely, unconventional, modern wedding that had me sighing and dreaming like almost any other girl. In that moment, I experienced every failed relationship, every dashed hope, every day that I grow older and more imperfect without him. And I experienced the beauty of finding true love that was worth waiting for. I saw a wedding that any girl would dream to have. Afer watching their bliss, I could focus on the failures of my own love life. But instead I want to focus on the beauty of what the future may hold.

Please don't be horrified that I watch the Bachelorette. This doesn't mean I wish I could be in their shoes -- on the contrary! I can't help but laugh at all the drama they bring on themselves. Maybe it makes me feel a little more sane and my love life a little less crazy.

Speaking of which, my texting broke. That's another way of saying that I reached my texting limit. I'd say I don't think I'll make it another week, buuuut the texts I've been getting are so pointless anyway. Literally this guy Andrew texts me all day about like routine things. I don't understand texts like,
"What are u doing?"
"Oh, cool, want to text me afterward?"
"Where are u now?"
"Are you having fun? Why?"
So pointless! To me, texting should have a purpose. Yeah, I hear how I sound.... :P This is a girl with limited texts talking.

I slept in and worked from noon to 5:30 today. That was super nice that they gave me some extra hours at work. Got me out of the house.

I feel like my blog should have more structure. Like, dating do's and DO NOTS. But I enjoy this rambling. It clears my head and makes me happy. Maybe I'll try doing a structured post and see how that goes. :) Just for me!

Oh Snap

Snap.

Just like that I snap a picture and she is frozen forever that way. I lower my ISO because there's plenty of natural light and I open up the shutter speed another dial to let the light pour in on my subject. I change my angle slightly and straighten the mountainous background by straightening the body of my camera.

Snap.

Just like that I snap my fingers and the semester is over. I have a similar feeling that I have after a good photo-shoot--satisfaction. I get lingering satisfaction from a photo-shoot because I have hours of editing and messing with colors of my shots. Then I post them and the internet lights up in my little corner of the social network where those that love the subject comment on their favorites. That makes my day. And I get satisfaction at the end of a semester because I can scroll over my Facebook reel....I can remember how I met people....how I enjoyed certain activities....how I wouldn't go back for anything because NOW is so much better.

Oh, snap.

Just like that I get a text from Adam that more or less says he is 2 minutes away from where I'm standing downtown...but he can't see me because he's with his family. Translation: the guy I've talked to online for a year, that convinced me he was my soulmate, and then said it wasn't worth talking to me anymore because he was being deployed, is literally texting me to tell me he's in spitting distance of me but that it's just not a good time for him to walk that spitting distance to say hey. Wow, thanks for texting. I'll take my love-life off hold now.

But I didn't let that crappy text ruin my evening. Literally, Thursday I finally let go of this crazy idea that we would ever meet and Friday was the first day I didn't think about him in a month. So, no, I was not going to let him get inside my head on the very next Saturday. I know I talk about him like he's a villain and he's not a bad guy, but what kind of guy messes around with girl's heads like this? This is the third time he's done something like this... I'd like to say I'm still giving it to God but as of Thursday I stopped praying for him and I just said screw it and I told God I don't need him. Whether that's right or wrong, I don't know. All I know is I'm going out with other guys and I'm not hanging around waiting for this lurker. Who knows? Maybe he really is an internet stalker and he's afraid to reveal himself because he's really Frankenstein-esque and he's afraid the love of his life won't accept him for who he is. It's the modern-day Frankenstein love story that has never been written! Love it....now I have something to do over break. :)

How to get over that guy

I've figured it out. Give it to God. Then zumba dance in a sports bra and work out until you can't dance anymore. Sometimes when you feel better about yourself you just can't help but realize that he's crazy to not be with you.

There will be days when that little red devil with the pitch fork will sit on your shoulder and he'll say that you're stuck going on endless dates with a guy who needs about 10 years longer than the normal guy to mature, or the guy who's TOO mature and tries to be both your date and your pastor. I'm sorry, you're a nice guy but good Christian girl's need the sexy, too. I officially give you permission to squish the devil. He's WRONG. There is the right guy out there for every girl - not the perfect guy....but the right guy worth waiting 22 plus years for.

People have been lying to you when they tell you need three dates to know. There's a huge difference between needing several dates to 'give him a chance' and having one conversation and just knowing there's no one else like him.

That guy I never thought existed...he does exist. But he's world's away. And I'm not going to call him or text him or email him or facebook him. Because I respect him.

And these things....they're so small compared to what other people are dealing with. My bestie called me today. When I say bestie I mean BESTIE - as in girl who's know all my secrets since like the third grade. I mean the girl I love like a sister. The girl I stood up for in her wedding - the girl I threw a bachelorette party for. The girl I would do anything for.

Her life is falling apart. Wish I could be there. Basically everything she's treasured is turning upside down and she's relying on God like never before. I can't IMAGINE how strong she's being!! I prayed for her today and realized how much I care for her. And God cares for both of us - through our hugely significant and insignificant problems. He cares. How cool is that?

I'm so undeserving of so much love. I recognize that I can't have "love" because I'm hopelessly unpleasable by the guys that I hang out with right now. But I have a love that is so much sweeter and will never leave me; my heavenly Father. My relationship with him is so sweet - I can tell him anything. He knows what I'm going through and what my bestie is facing and he has it under control - I can't control any of it. And he's doing a pretty good job. I trust him.

:)

Don't worry baby

Love this song by the Beach Boys. It takes me to another time. Please know, I certainly wasn't alive when this song was made since I was born in the 90s. BUT I used to listen to the Beach Boys in highschool and this song just takes me back to a simpler time when I was trying to choose between my brother's best friend and the guy who eventually became my boyfriend. It was an Edward versus Jake scenario - and I chose Jake.

Why borrow trouble? It doesn't make it stop coming. And it doesn't bring it. It's just extra mental clutter.

Fact is, I think about my grown up version of Jake every day. But I trust God. When I can't talk to him I talk to Him.

Date Swap

Ever been on a date swap? Well I was on an unofficial one last night. This guy Andrew asked me to go iceskating with him and talked on and on about holding my hand while we skated. Whatever. Then last minute he had too much homework and his best friend went in his place. And his best friend and I held hands instead. And then Andrew texted me and asked me to go out next Friday to make it up to me. Weird. In my eyes they're both in the friend zone. But then they're both pretty flirtatious. Maybe now I know what it's like to be a friend with mild benefits.

Guess I won't be giving relationship advice anytime soon.

NOW is the best moment

You know what's cool? I'm at a point in my life where I have $40 of liquid cash in my bank account and I actually don't NEED anything. I'm challenged by the show "Dating Rules from my Future Self" where the main character challenges her future self to believe that "now is the BEST moment". I can have 8 bucks in my back pocket and go wherever I want downtown with my friend Andrew....like I did last night! I can discover a new coffee shop that has freakishly high stairs and an amazing "hand" couch....like I did yesterday morning! I can decorate my house in free Christmas decorations and be SO proud of my little livingroom....like I did yesterday afternoon! I can take a nap right now and not have anyone waking me up or needing me to do something....which I'll do in a few minutes! I can have 12 days off work at a time before I have to put in time as an Administrative Assistant...which has been my life for the last few months! I can take pride in my schoolwork and literally spend months having someone pay special attention to my work...like I'm doing now!

The point is....I don't need to have anything else in my life to make "now" better. I don't need to get older to have a better life. I'm probably sexier now than I will be in 10 years. I have all this time on my hands and I have good health and I'm skinny and have straight A's. I don't need to "just reach that next milestone" to be happy. A life that is constantly spent in the clutches of disatisfaction with "now" is a life that never reaches satisfaction. It's a life running after the shoreline of a never-ending beach. It's a climb to find the end of space. It's a conditional happiness which is ruined the minute the "condition" is violated. It's a life that puts pressure on others to perform in such a way that pleases you. It's a life that tries to control elements that only God has business controlling.

God - I'm so silly sometimes. I know I don't say this much, but thank you for now.

Christmas in the City

So I was meeting up with a couple classmates downtown to go over our campaign ideas over coffee, and I discovered the most fascinating thing. When the sun goes down, downtown comes alive! I decided that there is something FAR more magical about downtown in the evening than there is during the day. As I left my coconutty latte cup in the underground coffee shop and emerged into the night air, I felt as if I had walked into another world....one fraught with trees connected by strings of white Christmas lights and tiny mom and pop shops selling their Christmas goods. This sales lady was laughing with her regulars and she was selling these ridiculous little shoe covers. I couldn't help but walk around a bit with constant happy sighs and my fists all bundled warmly in my pockets.

And as I got in my car, my hand fell of it's own accord to the "Seek" button on the radio. Suddenly my car was filled with "You better watch out, You better not cry! Santa Clause is comin to town!" And now I'm converted. It's not even Thanksgiving and I'm in the most beautiful Christmas spirit known to mankind.

Of course I came home singing and shaking my hips to imaginary sleigh bells and la-la-la'd my way into the house and my brother barks, "Can't you be quiet? I'm writing a paper, can't you see?" This was said with exceedingly frustrated hand motions in the air and his little neck stiffened to match the stiffness of his pursed lips.

I quietly shut his door and went to my room and dreamed of a world where I could fly above the city and look down and hear the hustle and bustle of Christmas. I dreamed that my radio-sing-along voice had been recorded and made famous worldwide. I dreamed that I didn't need a lover - I was in love with the world, hand in hand with a bright future and the laughter of all that is good and giving. I didn't need money in that moment to dream of home...of snow in Wisconsin...of my old friends...of my family...of all the anticipation that Christmas can possibly gift me with.

I am so blessed!

The psychology of what makes a guy "just a friend"

What makes me want to say to one guy I barely know, "Yeah, I would date you" and to another really close guy, "Let's just be friends"? It's a question I've been asking myself lately. And I think it boils down to three things-- chemistry, confidence, and respect. You either have it, or you don't.

I've got a potential problem and his name is Matt. My sophomore year I went out with him for a semester. At the end of the semester he emailed my bestie and asked if she thought I would say yes if he asked me to date him. I advised my best friend that I would say no. Didn't even have to think about it. Why? I really enjoyed hanging out with him. We had been to a lot of meals and outings. But in the end I didn't want to be more than friends.

Fast forward two years and Matt's back in my life with a little less hair. He's still just as nice and I really enjoy hanging out with him. He's encouraging and so far this semester he's asked me to study with him and then he bought me a really nice lunch and just wanted to talk. He was my date last night to a play and we got dressed up and laughed a LOT. I really enjoy talking to him because I know he listens and he cares and I can tell he just enjoys being with me. And then my brother meets him and has to open his big mouth and tell me that he thinks Matt's interested in being more than friends. And then Matt starts texting me alot today and asking me to go to coffee to study again. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Why do guys ruin things?? The fact remains that as much as I enjoy hanging out with him, there's no chemistry. And I think there's no chemistry because I don't really respect him. I respect his values and his morals. But he talks negatively about himself a lot and shared some huge flaws with me that made me see him as more of a friend and completely erased any thoughts beyond friendship. Honestly, if he were more confident about how attractive he is I would probably respect him more and be more attracted to him. Doesn't mean I would move out of the friend zone, but I'd certainly think about it. It's just a fact; confident guys flirt with girls more and make them feel sexy. And THAT'S what attracts me to a guy. Someone who knows who they are and knows what they want. But at the same time, guys who are demeaning in their confidence are not attractive. The key is to mix confidence with a good sense of humor. If you call your own hair sexy, girls KNOW you're joking, but it's cute and attractive. Don't become overly self-consumed. There should be a good balance between that humours confidence and absolutely making the girl of your dreams feel adored and special.

Maybe the same should go for girls. Maybe if we were more confident around the guys we actually liked they would start to see us in a "more than friends" light. I think the key is seeing that guy who is "too good" for you as someone who has flaws that are just waiting to be uncovered. Be confident that he is NOT "too good" for you. Be confident that you have something special and mysterious to offer and he would only be so lucky to get to know you. From the guys I've talked to, confidence is SUPER attractive to them, too.

So I think the psychology behind keeping a guy in the friend zone boils down to how a guy talks about himself. If he's bold in talking himself up, making the girl laugh, building her respect for him, and making her feel like she is the ONLY one in the world for him- she's going to start thinking about him differently. She's going to see him as someone who she'd be lucky to be with. She's going to start thinking about him without trying to. He's got to keep her guessing and not play all his cards or go to fast. It's starts with her thought process changing from friend to something more. But he's got to be intentional. He can't be asking the girl for advice about other girl's and then suddenly be turning to her for a date because he's out of options (been there). There is NOTHING more unattractive than that and guys who do that are going to get the fastest 'no' they've ever gotten in their LIFE. If she doesn't THINK of you that way and if she doesn't try to keep at least some of her flaws from you, then be very sure you're going to stay on the back burner, my friend.

Miss Popularity and Pity Dates

My Sophomore year I was Miss Popularity. So it stands to reason that I would be off-the-charts-popular my Junior year, right? Wrong! Sitting out for two years means all of your friends graduate and that leaves you sucking up to...the then Freshmen. Eeew. Anyways, everyone seems SO young to me now. Like I fit in just fine - people accept me. My hair is long now so I think it makes me look younger...and hopefully sexier haha. But I don't even feel like TRYING to climb this social ladder because that's like climbing over kids who just conquered potty training. On the upside, I enjoyed myself a lot more tonight at the games (my first game in 3 years) because I cared a little less who was there. As long as I had one friend (and I did) - then I was going to BE with that one friend and not be constantly concerned with my rise in popularity. Regardless of age, I do LOVE being around people and I'm just like the next person - I like it when people want to be around me. So my goal for next semester is just to get more involved and be more proactive on campus. I guess while I don't vye for popularity, a part of me still wants to get to know a lot of people.

Anyways, it's interesting how two years later I'm still dealing with the consequences of my dating life as a Sophomore. It's insane how many guys I've run into that I dated when I was here before. Tonight I unfortunately came face-to-face with the James era. I say unfortunately because I remember James being kind of a stalker-type who smothered me my Sophomore year. But when I saw him today he actually looked really hot, which was unnerving. I made the mistake of smiling at him really big last night when I was on a date with a different guy because I recognized him but couldn't remember where I knew him from. He smiled back like he was surprised and then I was like 'o crap' because I remembered him trying to woo me underneath the fireworks and how even Dan (my official stalker) thought he was too much. That was tough getting away from him then because he was SO insistent on dating me. And then tonight I went to the games and got there early to save a seat for my friend. I passed him and didn't acknowledge him and got a seat farther away than I wanted to, just to avoid him. Sure enough, 2 minutes after I found my seat he came over and sat by me and rehashed the last two years. He looked like he was getting pretty comfortable so I got up and claimed I was going to go get some coffee. Coffee's a good excuse - any time, any where. He goes, "Oh, I see, I'm boring you." I was like, "No, no absolutely not." And then I like RAN to the coffee tent. Unfortunately, they didn't have debit-card machines so I ducked around the side of the building like a dork to count out change because I literally knew he was watching me to see if I was just avoiding him. I ended up getting cold tea which I didn't even want because it was so so cold outside. Sure enough as I walked by the bleachers he tried to start up another conversation about why I had gotten tea and not coffee. So awkward. Anyways, James was a mistake. A now much cuter mistake, but still, a mistake. Honestly, I went out with three different guys named James and they were ALL pity dates. Sad, sad.

So, consequences. They'll happen. But I kind of want to make NEW mistakes this year, you know? Like I've had several guys reconnect with me that asked me out/went out with me my Sophomore year. But I've only had two totally new guys ask me out this year and bless their hearts they were both "absolutely not" moments. So yeah, and I've decided that Adam doesn't count as a mistake this year because I never even met him. And Jared doesn't count either because I met him on the internet. So, really, I haven't made very many NEW mistakes this year. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I should be avoiding pity dates.

And yet I KNOW this is horrible, but a small eensy beensy part of me enjoys pity dates because I always feel so much better about myself after some guy literally trips over himself to buy me dinner. I'm an awful, awful person. I shouldn't enjoy that. I would definitely say I have enjoyed pity dates far more than I've actually enjoyed REAL dates because on the pity dates I wasn't concerned with what he thought of me - I already knew he liked me and that I was out of his league. I could be myself and totally could make him feel great about himself. But when I'm sitting across from a guy I genuinely like, I freeze. I'm nervous about whether he likes me or not, or whether I'm good enough for him. It's crazy to think that maybe pity dates have conditioned me to send positive signals to guys I DON'T like and send negative signals to guys I DO like.

I'm pretty sure I'm right about that because there are two guys I've noticed on campus that I think are kind of cute and that I would probably say yes to if they asked me out. One of them I argue with all the time in my economics class - what is wrong with me? And the other one that seemed to kind of like me I've started to ignore because I don't know what to say around him.

Hopeless. Maybe instead of being concerned about receiving attention from others I should just bury my nose in my school books and let God worry about who's going to connect with me this year. Do I really trust him in every area? Maybe I need to give this completely to Him and just be open to accept any opportunities that He brings my way.

So there you have it. I'm an open book. Open to anything! Because I know God can protect me from more than pity dates...he can also protect me from my own poor judgment!

Project Early Graduation

I come bearing EXCELLENT news. Found out today I should be able to graduate in just two more semesters. So if I can just get through this one....

Ways I've schemed to graduate a semester early?
Take 18 credit loads
Do online summer classes
BEG my advisor to make an exception

Now I just gotta be up to the challenge to do classes that pre-require classes I haven't taken yet. Am I up for a challenge? AM I.

Down on my Luck

One day you forget about him and life is beautiful again. You're stronger for your loss. Then the next day someone reminds you of him, and you're painfully reminded of the great hope you'd had. You're thrown into survival mode. You're getting through the day, but your mind is 10,000 miles away, in a different year, in a different place, and in one pair of arms.

That's me. Trying to shake it off. Praying to God that He would just take this desire away from me because I CAN'T be with him. I think for the first time in a long time I'm hung up on a guy and he's not hung up on me. Or at least, he was until he was deployed. Then suddenly his voice became clipped and strained and he said there was no point in talking to me anymore. A man who was counting down the days to see me suddenly could barely say goodbye.

I can't tell you how incredibly DUMB I feel for still thinking about him. Dumb because he's preparing for war and things that are SO much bigger than dating me. Dumb because he's probably not thinking about me anymore. Dumb because my desire to spend time with him is SO small in comparison with the problems of the universe around me.

After work today I took a walk and then sat on a hill and watched the sun melt down behind the mountains. I found myself wanting to have an out of body experience. I wanted to be able to view myself from above and see how many other things are so important. The path I walk and the view before me is SO small compared to what God sees. The time I'm in and the time I look forward to is SO small compared to the time God surpasses. I know I trust Him. He sees all. So why does He allow me to keep feeling this way? Why is my heart so certain even though I know it's all so impossible?

Guess what. I WANT to shake this desire to be with him. But I don't want to be with anyone else. Does that make sense?

I used to be lucky in love. Guess I'm just down on my luck.

All I know is if our connection was truly as great as I think it was then he's going to think about me. If he does reach out to me again  I'll know it wasn't me forcing something non-existent to happen. It wasn't him responding to me and resenting me for pulling him back into a relationship. It was God truly working in something impossible. It was God.

So if God's not in it, I don't want it. And if God's not in it, He's going to take this desire away from me.

The Beauty of a Dye Job

There's nothing like a good dye job. Once dull tresses suddenly shine and bounce. Curling becomes more fun, hair drying feels more enriched, and hair-dos take new life. It all looks and feels so different. You look in the mirror and you see a new you and you're ready to charge into a day fraught with compliments. It's literally a chance to get re-checked out by those people that wrote you off as mousy.

Anyways, one of my friends came over tonight and I dyed her hair for her. I've never actually dyed any one else's hair before but now we can add that to my list of accomplishments....or attempts haha.

Not gonna lie - I'm a new fan of John Frieda's Precision foam hair-dye. I used the same dye on my hair and it was equally easy to self-apply and get through to the roots. Just remember to apply it to dry unwashed hair, follow the directions (tilt, don't shake and squeeze, don't pump), start your gloves with the roots and work to the ends, set the timer for 20 minutes, rinse with cool water until the water runs clear, and condition with cool water. Don't use shampoo for 24 hours after dyeing. I like to layer the sink with sliced grocery bags before dyeing to protect from dye splatters. To spare your towels you can also cut a hole in the bottom of a trash/grocery bag, put it around your neck and tuck it into your t-shirt. It's a good idea to put lotion around the edges of your face, neck, and behind your ears before dyeing to make sure your skin doesn't end up dyed as well.

And now I feel officially nauseous. My first crack at sounding like a cosmetology major. I confess. I shared my blog with someone who knows me. And now I hope they think I write only about hair dye and product....because the truth is not always so cut and dried (no pun intended).

Stranger Danger

Have you ever been a victim of sexual abuse?

This question posed by my school today got me thinking. It didn't get me thinking about a personal experience when I was sexual abused. Instead it made me think of close calls - times where I look back now and realize I had foolishly put myself in harms way. To this day I don't know what horror God protected me from and I don't know why He allows others to go through unspeakable horrors. I know God loves us all the same. But for some reason, He has protected me so many times from sexual abuse. And I don't really take time to thank Him for that. I know, as a woman, that I'm not guaranteed freedom from sexual abuse for my entire life. But thankful for a life free of it so far.

When I was 14 I was approached by a middle-aged black man in a large van. I had moved away from my youth group and was standing in the middle of a median advertising for a car wash. Basically he tried to get me to go down an alley with him so I could supposedly wax his car. Thankfully I mentioned it to our youth pastor who basically confronted the guy. He drove off - circled back once and then I never saw him again.

When I was 19 I was walking back to my dorm at 2 a.m. from my job. I foolishly went alone. A guy wearing all black came out of the bushes and to this day I swear he was holding a gun - or something in his hand. I started walking faster and this guy started walking over the grass towards me, not saying anything. I couldn't find my card and frantically started waving my bag in front of the door. I beeped in and pulled the door shut behind me just in time. He rattled the door. I called public safety but they said it was probably just a public safety guy who was not properly identifying himself or following protocol to stay on sidewalks. It kinda irked me that they didn't take it seriously. Two days later the police caught a car-jacker who was on the 10-most-wanted list about a block from our university at the elementary school. Coincidence?

When I was 20 I let a 24 year old guy talk me into visiting his house with him alone. I didn't know him very well but I was attracted to him. Basically he canceled all of our plans and wanted to watch movies on his bed. Again, I wasn't dating him so it was kind of weird now that I think about it. In the end he made a move and I wasn't comfortable with it. Thankfully he backed off and took me home, but after that he broke things off with me because he said I was "too young".

When I was 21 I got lost downtown and got out of my car to ask someone for directions. Let's just say that's not a good idea. I don't think the guy that spotted me down the alley and started loping towards me had good intentions. Thank God for a police station right around the corner?

Really, this taught me that I need to be smarter about the decisions I make. I need to think through my actions and not do foolish things expecting that God will "bail me out". But I am thankful that God helped me in my naivety. I also know without a doubt that if God had allowed that abuse, he would have given me the grace to forgive that person and to still live a full life. God chose not to allow that, though.

God not only protected me from sexual abuse; he also protected my life.

When I was 4 my family was in a serious car accident that landed everyone but me in the hospital on Christmas Day. My first memory is seeing blood on my mom's face and hearing her say, "Is my baby ok" because she didn't hear me crying. Both my sisters' had broken backs, my mom needed facial reconstruction surgery, my dad was badly banged up and my brothers head was split open. I had a scratch on my cheek. The doctor's said the scratch was from my thumb scratching my cheek on impact. Honestly, I got so much candy. Best Christmas of my life.

I know there has to be like a TON more examples - things I won't even know until I get to heaven. But for now...sleep claims me. A sleep void of nightmares or strangers or dangers. A sleep fraught only with impending quizzes and projects. A sleep I'm thankful for.

Bad night, Beautiful morning

There is NOTHING more beautiful than a canceled morning. The plan for rushing to an 8 a.m. class and doing a 30 minute presentation beautifully disappeared for me today when my teacher canceled this morning's class. Instead I sit in Starbucks listening to swing music and sipping on my usual Grande Pikes Place Roast with a shot of hazelnut, cream, and whipped cream on top. It's a little chilly outside but my coffee is warming me up nicely. I find myself loving seeing all these pant suits rushing in and out. Because I know that's my future. And I also know that as excited as I am for the day I can re-enter the professional work-force, I'm also so thankful for TODAY. Today is a beautiful day.

I'm kind of surprised that I feel that way because today was supposed to be so dismal. My plans to meet up with a guy I really liked were cruelly canceled. But I've woken up with a new perspective the last couple of days.

One of my friends shared a thought with me. People followed Jesus back in the day for all sorts of different reasons-- not all of them truly wanted to worship or follow him because of who he is. There were a lot of people who followed him just to see what THEY could get from him-- a kingdom, food, health, etc. They wanted him to provide those temporal things tot hem. And in Matthew 6:25-34 Jesus basically told the people following him that they had greater needs and that he would provide those for them. I think I've been following Jesus sometimes for what I can get out of him-- the benefits of Christianity, you could say. Some might think there are no benefits to Christianity, but I would disagree. Being a Christian provides you with a moral compass, a higher standard for yourself, a Christian circle full of some people who are stuck up but a lot of people who will accept you just how you are and will encourage you. There's a sweet fellowship among people who are truly seeking Christ. But I'm reminded that I don't follow Christ because my prospects at a good marriage are better or because I want to have certain kinds of friends or morals. I follow Christ because He first loved me. He has already fulfilled a need for me that is FAR greater than my physical needs. Sure there are temporal things that I want. But I think God's trying to say, "Angela, I've given you everything you need. Far more exciting than meeting up with a guy who liked you for who you are is the reality that you will meet ME someday - and I KNOW all your faults and love you in spite of them."

This doesn't mean I give up on all temporal things. I would love to meet the man who is the perfect fit for me. I would love to have a flawless complexion. But God has given me everything I truly need right now. And I am learning that I can't control anything. If God wants it for me, he's going to work around my stubborn will and give it to me. If he doesn't want it for me, nothing I do to try to man-handle an almighty God is going to change what happens. So why this struggle? Why this bitterness against what God allowed? Why this frustrated withdrawal away from the life God has given me?

At every phase of my life I think I could be frustrated about something. I could plan the heck out of each stage and watch every plan get altered by the finger of an almighty God. And instead of thinking, "Well, His plan is better. He knows the sparrow's needs and how much more does he KNOW my needs and what is best for me?" I think, "God, you're ruining EVERYTHING." It's kinda silly when you think about it. Here I am this tiny little being, one among billions, and I'm shaking my fist at an almighty God.

God takes my carefully planned and structured life and He gives it an unpredictable twist. Sometimes it leaves me crying at the unfairness, sometimes it leaves me skipping away barely believing my good luck. But all-in-all those twists and turns are the BEST version of my life. I don't even think outside the box compared to God. In my normal life I would be in class this morning. I would be stumbling all over myself this afternoon to meet up with a guy this afternoon that could quite realistically have been turned off by all my imperfections - far more devastating than just never meeting him.

My sister reminded me of something good yesterday. "Just because you can't be with him now doesn't mean you can never be with him. If it's the right person but the wrong time, then it's the wrong person for you right now. But it also doesn't mean this guy is or isn't for you. God absolutely has the best plan in mind for you. He may have saved you or protected you from a real disaster. He may also be grooming you to be truly ready for this guy." The truth is, God knows every possible scenario. And I know He loves me. He wants to use me. Do I turn away from him when he's not providing the needs I think I need fulfilled? Or do I turn towards him in spite of my loss, because I trust Him.

Trust is blind. It doesn't know the future. It doesn't know every possible twist and turn. It believes that this roller coaster ride will stay on track and that the Maker will keep the passenger safe. Trust doesn't need to know every detail of how that roller coaster works. In fact, it doesn't care to check all the circuitry and nuts and bolts before getting in. It just trust the person who made it. It chooses to get into that car, all while knowing it's going to be scary. It laughs and screams and over-all enjoys the unexpected dips. That's trust.

So, God. I do trust you. I CHOOSE to trust you even though it doesn't make a lick of sense. NOT because of the benefits Christianity may bring me. But because I love you. I recognize that I CAN'T control this life and that I don't want to. I'm thankful you brought my perspective back to you and that you grew me closer to you through this. Don't ever let me forget who I really owe for all the good things that happen to me. And the truth is....it's all good. Because YOU know the end result.

p.s. I voted!!

When the Enemy is your Friend, part 1

I wanted to report that I've been very responsible this Saturday morning. I woke up at the early hour of 8:30 a.m. I'm at Starbucks with my friend Matt and we're just drinkin coffee and "studying". And since my studying is as far along as it's gonna be, I'm now resorting to the unthinkable. I'm working on a novel I started writing a year ago. It's about a girl who transforms from a girl who knows who she is in highschool to a girl who is willingly abused in college. Even though she's satisfied with her transformation from being stared at because of her Amish-like background to being stared at because her legs are finally seeing the sun, she knows she's taken a wrong turn somewhere when she finds herself on trial for murder in the first degree. The worst part of her confusing transformation from conservative to criminal? She can't remember what she did. Thus, she goes on a journey to find a balance between the extremes and through the story she not only needs to find herself and her family, but also needs to find a good lawyer!

Enjoy chapter 1 below!

When the Enemy is Your Friend

She was given no warning that her life was going to change as completely as it would that night. And when she thought back to the beginning of the whole nightmare, she could think only of a story she once read to her little niece on Halloween.

The wind was blowing, and even though the joggers in the park seemed to take no notice and the old woman tossing bread crumbs didn’t seem to care, a little girl sitting on a cool park bench was blissfully aware of the cool autumn breeze playing with her thin pony tail. Eight-year-old Grace had left playing with her friend Janie, whom she considered somewhat boring anyways, and had found a bench where she could perch and watch the people around her with interest. She thought the woman in the ratty clothes looked a little scary, and she thought the man who was walking three dogs was entirely too scrawny for comfort, and she wondered for a brief moment if she should go back over to Janie’s party, where her mom was busy passing out napkins and ice cream bars. But then a man walked up to her who was dressed very nicely and had the queerest burgundy scarf around his neck. She was distracted and watched him approach.

“Hello little girl,” he said warmly.

She looked up at him curiously. Mother would normally have warned her to stay away from strangers, whether they were nice looking or not, but little Grace could instinctively feel her mother saying that it was okay this time. He had such gentle eyes.

“Hello,” she replied shyly.

“Are you enjoying this beautiful fall day?” he asked grandly, pausing a comfortable four feet away from her.

She lit up and responded, “Why yes, I really am. I was just sitting here thinking was a beautiful day it was. Can you feel the breeze?”

“Of course. Why else would I be wearing this old scarf?”

“I like your scarf.”                         

He paused and looked down at his scarf for a second as if he had forgotten what it looked like. “Well, thank you, but I will say I’m not that cold and I think you look colder than I am. Would you like to have my scarf?”

She ducked her head shyly.

“It’s up to you. I just hate to see a little girl shivering like that.”

She hadn’t even realized she was shivering. What a nice man, to take notice. “Oh, yes then, please,” she said shyly. In the back of her mind, she was wondering with excitement if she had made a new friend!

Before she knew it, he had taken off the scarf and wrapped it around her head. It smelled a little funny and she could hear him telling her to breathe in deep. She struggled a little bit, hoping someone would notice that she was uncomfortable and couldn’t breathe, but no one called out any warning. To anyone passing by them, it looked like a father was simply trying to bundle up his sleepy daughter. No one noticed him kidnap her, and there was no cry of alarm until Janie became bored with her other little friends and asked her mother where Grace had gone.

The little girl was never heard from again.

Alyson closed the book abruptly, thinking for a moment that perhaps the story was a little too scary for her niece.  Faith had picked out the book at the library in the “spooky” section. Since it was Halloween, Alyson had thought it would be a little funny to read her something scary and see those big brown eyes go wide with wonder. But she had been planning to read a story about a teddy bear covered in a big white sheet with holes poked out for the eyes—not a truly frightening story.

She needn’t have worried about scaring Faith. The little girl was already pulling out another scary book from her little pile, and was saying, “Read another one. Read another one.”

Alyson hesitated and said, “No, that’s enough scary stories for now.”

Faith pouted, and then pulled the blanket up closer to her chin. “Aunt Alyson,” she asked innocently.

“What?”
“How come the bad guy seemed like her friend?”

Crap, she actually had been listening. Alyson thought about it and said slowly, “Sometimes bad people don’t look bad on the outside. They may look really nice on the outside, but on the inside they’re not very good.”

“Then how do you know who is good?”

“You don’t always…” Alyson said lamely. “I guess you have to be cautious—”

“What’s…cautious?”
“Careful.”

“Do I need to be careful with you? Are you a good person?”

Alyson laughed, “Of course I am!”
“Is Daddy a good person?”

Alyson sobered quickly, feeling a pit of deep anger in place of her previous fear. In Alyson’s opinion, the only good thing Faith’s dad had done was bring Faith into the world. The man couldn’t hold a job any more than he could hold his liquor. He was a low-down, cheap, cheating—

“Aunt Alyson?”

“Yes, your daddy is a good person,” she said quickly.

“What about your daddy?” she asked with big brown eyes.

“Story time is over,” Alyson said abruptly, standing and turning off the light by the bed.

“Night-light!” Faith squeaked.

Alyson gave a wry smile and flicked the switch on the little dinosaur night-light by Faith’s pillow.

“Tricks-or-treats were fun, Aunt Alyson!” she said enthusiastically, clearly not resigned to the idea of going to bed.

“Was fun,” Alyson corrected, and then added softly, “And yes, you made a very cute nurse.”

“I wish we could have afforded the nurse costume at the store,” she said mournfully.

“But the sheet worked just fine, don’t you think?” Alyson asked, feeling a little guilty that she hadn’t been able to swing the 10 dollars for the nurse outfit and the stethoscope. Not that Faith’s parents would have even gone to the store to look anyways.

“Yes. We used our ‘magination,” she agreed readily.

“Sure did. Okay, go to sleep,” Alyson said, backing out of the room.

“Leave the door ajar,” she begged.

“I will,” Alyson promised.

“The hall light!” Faith called in warning.
Alyson’s hand had been poised over the light to turn it off and she chuckled when she heard Faith’s little knowing voice remind her to leave it on. She crept down the narrow hall, put her jacket on, and quietly slipped out the door of the little trailer home. She walked briskly down the dirt lane, mace poised in her hand in case she needed it, until she reached her own family’s trailer home. She fumbled with the keys and entered as quietly as possible, being careful not to let the door shake the home by shutting too hard.

Climbing onto her own mattress, she pulled the blankets up to her chin and shivered slightly, aware that the heat would not be on until the cold nip in the air became unbearable. She could thank her mother for that, since she was constantly going out and spending money the family didn’t have. Just 3 months ago, Alyson had been walking home after school and had caught a glimpse of her mother walking glibly into a fancy French clothing store. Before 15 minutes was out, she had applied for a credit card with the store and spent $250 on a new coat. This Alyson found out later that night when her parents had a huge argument over the unnecessary purchase. Alyson covered her ears with a pillow but she still heard all of it.

“That money could have been used to pay for food!” her dad was yelling. “Now we’re going to have to call your Aunt and ask for another loan!”

Alyson wanted to add that that money could have also helped her go to college, or at least pay for some of her books, but she knew better than to act like she had heard them argue.  Alyson knew the exact moment when the argument ended, because her dad yelled that he was getting ready to leave for his third shift job and would she please let him go so he could make more money for her to spend. Even though all of this was said in “the privacy of their room,” the walls were as thick as cheap aluminum foil, and Alyson never needed to wonder what any argument was about. She suspected that these arguments were what set her father into deep depression during the holiday’s, and why he kept a “secret” stash of pain pills in the bathroom. As far as she knew, her father controlled his addiction, but like her mother’s spending habit, it was an addiction nonetheless.

Alyson didn’t have the luxury of paper-thin walls when it came to hearing her little brother Ben snoring in his sleep. Even now with the lights off she was close enough to see his little silhouette sprawled across that ugly tan couch her dad had found on the side of the street. She loved Ben and despised him all at once, mainly loving him because he had big brown eyes and despising him because he was always there.

When she finally shut her eyes she was shutting them to more than the darkness; she shut them to everything she resented about her home—weeds instead of grass, pots instead of dishes, rags instead of towels, and a cross that hung above her parents’ door, silently reminding Alyson of the unfairness of life. “12 days,” she whispered to herself. 12 days until she left this hell-hole and made something of herself. 12 days until she entered a new world where she would not only leave her mark but would be changed forever.

The five stages of grief after a relationship

So after I hung up with Adam last night and we agreed to go our separate ways due to his deployment, I wrote that sickeningly mature post (see bad news pants). And then, sitting on my bed in the dark, and all throughout today, the reality of everything started to hit me. A deadness entered my eyes where a light for every creature once existed.

Losing a promising relationship is so bittersweet. It's like all this unlocked poetry, this unreachable happiness, and this bright mountain-top experience of hope dies a swift death. And like death, an unfulfilled relationship with so many loose endings brings with it the five stages of grief.

Denial and Isolation
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

I guess now I'm in the anger and depression phase - if you can do those at the same time. Sounds lovely, right?

I think the reason this one is hitting me so hard is because it didn't even get off the ground. And the crazy thing is, not only am I in denial that it's already over, but I'm in denial that a great guy like him even liked me. But the truth is, I told him frankly a few weeks ago that I was "done" with guys and wasn't in a place to go out with anyone. That was during my "be content with singleness" phase. And he wouldn't take no for an answer - he literally asked me if I would consider giving one more guy a chance. He begged me to cancel my plans and asked me to put a day aside on the calendar to hang out with him. He called me and would keep me up well past the time I told him I could talk. He asked me on a date several times for a year and I finally said ok. He told me he couldn't stop smiling when we talked and said talking to me was the favorite time of his day. He said he couldn't wait to meet me and was going to give me a big hug when he saw me. When he talked to me he would get so tickled and say that he would be soo surprised if we weren't dating after we hung out. He wanted to hear about my family and he felt like our Dad's would get along. He planned a joke that we could play on my mom. He loved when I would get sassy. At first I was honestly being sassy because I could care less if he was into me. But then we clicked and it was so effortless to talk to him. I could just be myself. And, well, that's addictive. And I found myself thinking about him CONSTANTLY. When he suddenly stopped texting and calling, I knew something was wrong. It wasn't that he was just busy at work. But I never imagined that he would be so aloof when he called to tell me that he was getting deployed and that all those "promises" of the future were going to just need to be canceled.

I initially thought that it was super sad that he was being deployed, but I was going to be one of those girls that sends a man off into battle with all the glory of thwarted love and talks of God's will, etc. I had all these nice things to say to him, even though I was disappointed that he had so sucked me in. Starting off the conversation I was careful to be gentle and ask him how HE was doing.

I literally had the breath sucked out of me when he sounded so nonchalant about being deployed to the desert. I knew neither of us wanted a long-distance relationship. I would be the first to say I couldn't do it. But he didn't even sound sad or disappointed that our paths were so cruely parted. Gone was the open Adam who teased me and wanted to talk to me for hours. Suddenly he was a different man - sounding like a commander instead of a would-be lover.

His consolation was "Oh well, maybe we would have been an explosive couple". What does that even mean?? At least try, "Gee, Angela. Sorry I made you believe in men again only to have to go off to battle for a year. I'm really disappointed. But God has a perfect plan. I would ask you to wait for me, but I know that's unrealistic for either of us to ask of each other. Are you doing ok? I'm so sad, but I know it must be what God wants."

Nope, instead he basically said, "Oh well, it probably would have sucked." Took him two days to tell me that. Musta put a lot of genius thought into that one.

What did this relationship teach me? Don't believe it until it's real. I had SUCH a beautiful picture built up in my mind of who he was and how much I could respect him and what kind of future we could have.

To be fair, he did say, "I know this kind of puts a kink into our plans."

And I responded, "Well, we didn't really have any plans. We were just going to meet and see where it went." So maybe I was equally harsh in downplaying the level of seriousness in order to mask my disappointment.

So I don't know if I'll ever quite accept this one. I guess I'll always wonder. What would have happened on that bridge on November 6th, 2012? If it weren't for this war, a whole different history may have been made.

Bad news pants 11/1/12

I wrote this last night but didn't have the heart to post it:

So I'm glad I put my bad news pants on tonight. The very guy that had me feeling understood and desired and excited...got a message saying he will be deployed this upcoming January and gone until September. His base also scheduled him for 16 additional training days, including November 6-8. I was going to meet him on November 6th. What. on. earth. The timing....

Sucks.

I was literally 5 days from totally breaking every rule in the book with him. Probably a good thing that he can't come then. But so crazy sad.

It really taught me to keep my standards high, though. I think I deserve a life with a guy who thinks I'm adorable and funny and beautiful. I deserve a relationship that's real and NOT long distance.

Ironically someone gave me a book today and it plopped out of a package onto my bed after I got his text. It was called, "God wears His own watch." God's got a sense of humor.

Basically I get to start all over again. I get to be "patient" and "wait for the right guy...again." Sucks....

Suddenly a place where I felt happy and free feels oppressive. The garlic zucchini recipe sitting on my table that I was going to make him looks like I printed that in another lifetime...but it was just this morning.

I told him he doesn't have to talk to me anymore. I get it. We both hate long distance. We sad like this awkward goodbye. There's just no point....

Guess who I'm never considering dating again? An Adam. Frought with disappointments, those Adams. Too good to be true. And yes, I did go out with another Adam in the past. My brother joked that after dating so many guys it was inevitable that I would have to start recycling names lol.

Seriously though, God, I feel like you've forsaken me. I wish I'd never talked to either Adam or gone out with Jared at the beginning of this semester. Long gone is my online phase.

I'm 22. I'm a full-time student. I'm getting OLDER. I'm exremely picky with guys. All of these are marks against me.

I don't want to be single anymore. I don't want to feel so desperately alone anymore. I don't wanna feel like I have to settle for a life without excitement.

God, I trust you, but I don't understand.

Sick with Like

Seriously you're going to get so sick of these posts. But this is part of my life now, so you're going to have to deal with it. Today felt SOO long - and I only had one class and a 30 minute chapel session. I normally love easy days like this, but instead I found myself desperately looking for things to do. Why? Because otherwise I will just think about him and that's just nauseating. It's 7:01 and I've exhausted everything in my power to keep my mind off of him. I've vacuumed the whole house, swept, mopped, cleaned the bathroom, went for a 2-mile jog, took a shower, washed my bedding, washed the rugs, washed the dishes (it's not even my night!), watched a show, did all my homework, and now I'm doing the last thing I can think of - writing in my blog.

The insane thing is that ever since the eleventh grade I've "dated" a lot of guys. And I eventually get annoyed by their texts and calls and dates --- I just don't want to be with them. I get tired of them VERY quickly. I keep my serious thoughts to myself and hold them at arm's length just so I can say I'm with someone. I certainly don't think about them. Responding to their texts is more of an afterthought. But this guy keeps me guessing. He doesn't play all of his cards. Drives me CRAZY. For the first time I feel like he has a life and I don't! But really, I have a very interesting life....just a lot of down time that suddenly feels like eternity.

The craziest thing is that I can't believe he likes me. I guess I expect guys that I don't like to like me. But I'm paralyzed with fear at the thought of a genuinely good, awesome guy liking little ol me. Talking to him is now my favorite part of the day - he said that last night about talking to me and I thought how that's so true for me, too. I spazzed out on him last night. I got all serious and my voice got all low as I spilled out my fear that he would be mad at me for having so many short term relationships in the past. His voice got all cute and concerned when he wanted to know if I was trying to tell him I wasn't ready for a relationship with him. I was like - o gosh, no - and then I'm not even sure if I made sense. But he didn't hate me at all. He thought I was cute for sharing that with him. We think so much alike, but then our tastes are totally different. Omg I'm normally so confident around guys but he like instantly knows how to get me to open up and see my insecurities. I've never, ever felt the need to share something that stupid with another guy. Why this one? Gosh, I hope I don't blow it....

Anyways, I talked to my mom tonight. I couldn't quite bring him up, though. Instead I just spoke in vague terms my mom could understand by asking, "Can you pray for my future husband?" - haha because obviously who knows what I'm going to think when I meet this guy. She quickly perks up and says, "Do we have a name for your future husband??" lol I wouldn't give her any more details but I could tell it's eating her up now.

Sigh.....I could write about him all night. It's a poor substitute, though, to talking to the real thing. Wish he didn't have dumb late night classes....

God knows I just need to learn this patience.

Just for the sake of being in a relationship

I literally had to ask myself tonight - what did I do before Adam? Not because he's so amazing (cuz he is). But literally I've spent the last several evenings and pretty much the entire day today constantly struggling to think about something other than him. I was in chapel today and all of a sudden I could see myself. I had this silly grin on my face and had my hand up to my cheek. So dumb of me.... I'm probably going to meet him and he's got like 4 nostrils, a consistent wedgie, and a blue tongue and he probably lied about everything he said he is and he'll probably hate me. Done. Kill the daydreaming, pack up your bags, go back to reality.

It's GOOD to have other interests. It's good to clean your room and go on with your life even though you can't be with the person you want to be with. Know why? Because that's what I would want for him. If he called me and ALL he's done is spent time waiting to call me, then I'm going to be more than slightly creeped out that he didn't go to his job or go on with his normal life. His life makes him him. A life outside of our conversations means we have more to talk about. Same goes for me. I seriously need to stop paying him compliments. I know he loves them, but guess what - I know this is not a dating game, but it's never smart to lay all your cards on the table. Plus it means more when you wait to say something because it shows you really mean it. Not that I don't mean the things I say, but I won't ever regret talking to him about his day and his memories. If I meet him and hate him, I WILL regret saying cutesy stuff. Yes, I will.

The fact that I believe this one is different is why I rewrite all my text messages three times and I have to tell myself not to immediately respond to all of his messages. I constantly am checking my phone and my facebook looking for messages from him - it's sickening - I haven't done that since the 11th grade. Crazy thing is, when I get all hyped up and try to impress him, I flop. But when I put no effort into it at all - when I'm myself - the time flies. I don't have to try hard to make it work. This is probably why I will be all the MORE depressed if I don't like him when I meet him (or vise versa). I did date one guy long-distance and while I was always hesitant with him I really enjoyed talking to him. But I more wanted to hear from him when I was going through a rough time. He helped me feel secure when I was insecure. He made me laugh. But I always felt like I was borrowing him. And when we hung out and he kissed me - I felt nothing. Nada. But all along I knew I wasn't really into him that way - it was sooo selfish of me to use him like that. I can't tell you how many guys I have used just for the sake of being in a relationship.

If God does have Adam for me and he feels the same way for me - then I'm going to be so ashamed to have to tell him how many short-term relationships I've had. Not ashamed because I've dated so many guys, but ashamed because I felt the need to date so many guys. Guys that were NOT up to my standard. Guys I didn't even like. So many guys found out secrets about me, touched me, and owned my thoughts. I'm embarrassed....

Which is why, as crazy as I am about this one, I'm going to purpose to be more guarded. Because if God has someone else for me (which you'd honestly have to work really hard to convince me of that) then I don't want to have to add Adam to a list of my short-term relationship confessions.

God - if I lose him it's ok. If he hate's me I'll be devestated but in the end I have you. If I am not attracted to him or see a major red flag, it's ok for me to walk away. In the end, if I have you I have everything. You ARE number one - always. I trust you.

Meeting for the first time

I can't wait to meet him. It's probably good that I have to wait 2 weeks, though, because that'll give time for my adoration of him to die down a bit. So I've been talking to this guy for almost a year and I've never met him. We hit it off instantly when he first messaged me on Christian mingle and every day for a while on Facebook we asked each other a question - what are your greatest fears? what do you think about divorce? what kind of music do you like? what are your standards? what does Christiantiy and ministry mean to you? what's your family like? physical limits before marriage? the past? But since I wasn't in SC yet, we drifted in and out of conversation. Even when we started dating other people we kept in touch and offered to pray for each other and encourage each other. Like he was totally cool and patient with me when I blew him off for another guy.

Then, I don't know what happened. The last month he kicked things back into gear even though I had cooled things for a couple months and he asked me if I'm still giving him that first date I had promised him a long time ago. I just really enjoy talking to him. Until now it's never been the right time, you know? Then yesterday he asked me when we're going to meet? He's been asking me out on a date for a while but it just wasn't a good time.

And then we talked on the phone for the first time last night. And it's like my heart was opened for the first time in a long time. I don't mean that in a sappy way. I just mean that we clicked. An hour literally flew by with a guy I've never ever talked to before. And he made me laugh. so. hard. I've been in dozen's of little flings and I'm always trying to give guy's chances. In the end I'm just not interested and I'm really just prolonging their misery. This morning I woke up with a smile. I literally dreamed about him. We've been texting all day and I can't stop. He's driving 3 hours to meet me in 2 weeks which is the earliest we can work something out.

But this is insane, right? I need to meet him first. Shouldn't I have at least held hands or kissed a guy before I'm crazy about him? I don't know why I put off talking to him on the phone for so long. Maybe it's just been that God was saying not yet. Like I haven't felt this way about a guy since the 11th grade.

In case this is a sordid case of infatuation, I'm reminding myself of something I wrote about my last screw up relationship. "Am I doing it because it's physically/emotionally what I want? or am I doing it because it's going to bring him closer to God and what God wants?"

Yes, I WANT to be in a relationship, I WANT a leader, I WANT my own family some day. But it's not all about what I want. Am I protecting his purity and his relationship with God? Is this God-honoring? Is God #1 in my decisions? Because if I'm doing everything I can to honor him as a brother in Christ and put God first, I'm not going to be disappointed or embarrassed to have gone through with this. Because at the end of the day, if I've encouraged him and brought him closer to Christ, then it's a good day.

So I was kind of mean to him when he called me for the first time. He told me not to go easy on him, so when he called I had me brother answer the phone as if he were me. Adam told me later that when he heard a deep voice say 'hello this is angela' he was thinking 'um, I don't know if I'm making the trip to Greenville' LOLLLLL.

So, yeah. I am blown away by him. He's awesome and he's everything. SO FAR. What if he has 12 fingers or a tail?? I'm more worried about him being like 9 inches shorter than me than him being clinically insane or something haha. That's so shallow lol. No worries I WILL meet him in a public place and take all those precautions and stuff. I know you never truly know someone in this kind of situation. But I already love him haha. Not really, but you know what I mean. I'm going to marry him someday. Again, you know what I mean. :)

Ring me up

So....he's going to call me tonight. I'm so nervous and that's so unlike me. I guess I'm nervous that he'll be totally opposite what I imagine (which I just imagine someone normal). Or I'm nervous that I'll say something stupid. I just need to pray about it. Why worry when you can pray, right?

On the laughter scale, it was a zero.

So I have a little tiny Buddha in my stomach after eating Chinese buffet tonight. My brother LOVES to try new foods and he is especially attracted to limitless meat entrees sliced off of various animal body parts. I'd much rather get a coffee and use my money to travel somewhere new. New places=My adventure. New food=his adventure. So I compromised by going with him to a chinese place we've already been to for new food. Wait, that's not a compromise....but he may try to visit Paris Mountain/the lake with me tomorrow, so it might end up being a compromise.

Jonny's fortune cookie read "You will soon pass over the great waters." That better be talking about an actual lake because I am NOT doing this apartment thing alone.

On an equally non-hilarious note, I was judging someone's laughter tonight. I know - who does that? I'm a monster! But this customer in the table behind us kept showing pictures of her kids or grandkids or maybe cats to the chinese waitress who couldn't speak English. Instead of communicating using language, they just laughed forcibly at everything the other person said. The customer spoke loudly and slowly and the chinese waitress kept repeating 'cyute, soo cyute' and then laughing and laughing. I wanted to say, "It can't possibly be that funny." But that's just breaking some kind of standard social grace, so I said nothing.

But nothing curls my lips into a sad little grimace more than fake laughter. So here's me with a sad little grimace and a happy little Buddha belly....hey wait that sounds like...the actual Buddha. But let's not go that far.

The choice to be friendly and thankful

So I'm thankful for God's goodness and how He looks out for me even before I know I'm in trouble. One of my greatest struggles these last 4 years has been trying to understand why God would provide for other people to return to college, but he didn't provide for me. I've honestly been content knowing that I don't qualify for any assistance and that I need to work harder than a lot of other people to afford the same education. I still don't quite believe that I got a $750 scholarship placed on my bill. I was doing the math and since some of my money is tied up in CD's I was going to be about $1000 short this semester. It would be a cruel joke if I was told it was a mistake. But for now I'm blown away by that good news. And I'm thankful to God, whether investing in my education is a mistake or not.

I'm also thankful that God has given me a perspective of acceptance towards others. The more I see of the culture of cliqueishness on my college campus, the more I feel God is showing me that I want to be the exact opposite what I see on my campus. It's good for me to be brand new all over again - I totally remember now what it's like to be an outsider. Just so I don't forget how to treat new people in the future, I'm writing about it. The below would be how I want to treat others, because this is how I would like to be treated:

When someone volunteers to help with something, I'm not going to stand in the corner talking loudly to everyone but them. I'm going to go introduce myself to them. I don't have to be weird about it, but I can include them.

When someone is new, I'm not going tell my friend who everyone is and then say 'well that's everyone except the new person'. Nope. I'm going to take that opportunity to put some names to those new faces.

When I pass someone on my way to class, I don't have to know the person I pass in order to smile at them. It doesn't have to be weird - but a small smile might be just what that person needs.

If I'm going to an event and I see someone who I know is alone - I'm going to invite them along. Encouraging them is more important to me than 'having the perfect night among people that already adore me'.

If a new person asks me a question, I'm going to go out of my way to help them find their answer because it's the polite thing to do. My response is not going to be 'I don't know' and then turning away simply because I don't care enough about them to try to help.

Guys, you don't have to pursue lonely girls animalistically. Instead, why not just be a little less weird and invite them to hang out with a group of friends. What they need is more friends, not an exclusive on your old spice.

Also, just because I'm talking to you and you're a guy does NOT I expect you to marry me and it doesn't mean I want to marry you. But there's a great chance that I think you're cool/cute and would say yes to hanging out with you.

I don't have just 3 friends and no more. My schedule, my eyes, my arms are open to meet new people.

You don't have to be just like me for me to be nice to you. You could be the opposite of me, you could be way too conservative, you could be wearing clothes that aren't name-brand, you could be way to liberal - but who am I to judge? It doesn't matter if I'm the hottest thing since Esther - who cares?

I may have made really close friends over the last 3 or 4 years. But it doesn't mean I have to close myself off from noticing you sitting there alone. Taking time to ask you how you're doing doesn't mean I have to make you a bridesmaid in my future wedding.

People think making friends is not convenient, maybe because it changes the dynamic of 'their group' or means facing the possibility of rejection. But guess what? It's pretty inconvenient to miss out on meeting that person that might brighten your day, or that one day will offer you a scantron, or that might someday open up to you and share that YOU made a difference in them for life.

I'm going to break the silence. So we have boj's on campus. We also have really snotty people wearing name-brand 'not-jeans'. This doesn't mean I have to turn my head when I pass a boj and then turn my head again because I'm passing a person who I think is snotty. This means I can still smile at them, regardless of who they are or whether they smile back. I can forgive people who have unknowingly sent messages to me without ever meeting me. Because that's who I choose to be.

I think people are scared to make more friends on campus because they're afraid it means they'll have to hang out all the time with people they don't know or necessarily like. Making friends, though, means just BEING a friend. This may just mean little things for a portion of your life - like smiling, nodding, inviting them to join your friends once or twice. Or it may mean the best friendship you'll ever have and that you would have missed out on if you hadn't gone out of your way to extend the hand of friendship. You don't have to expect ANYTHING from them - they may hate you and there you go. But be nice to more than 3 people. It won't kill you.

Starting over is tough. There have been times when I've thought - boy, if I didn't have God, I'd have almost no one. But I'm trusting Him that He understands and He called me to be in a very lonely place to point me back to Him. He knows that by me just trying my best to encourage others who feel the same way, this campus can be a little less lonely by sharing the unconditional love of Christ.

That's the end of my rant.

A Crying Shame

There will always be that girl who is prettier than you. There will be the coworker who has years of experience that you won't have for, well...several years. There will be the world class whatever that can outclass and outshine and outdo you until you're blue in the face.

You're given these tools and one day you look down at the two hands God gave you and you think, "It's just not enough!"

I had that kind of day yesterday. I've always been pretty well-rounded, but that also comes with the curse of being average at pretty much everything. As a result, while I may be working hard at a lot of different things, I never excel at any one thing.

So, having my hand in so many pots, I find myself this semester in a TV class - with no experience, whatsoever. I've been feeling pretty good about being in front of the camera for my class project, but when I went to go practice yesterday in the TV studio, this little freshman was in there and no matter how nice I was, she snubbed me like I was dirt. No big deal - I shook it off and thought, "She's probably like 18. Who cares if her complexion is flawless and she looks like she just stepped out of a beauty pageant. I'm 22 - those things don't bother me anymore."

Wrong. I got in front of the camera to do weather and unfortunately I could SEE myself as I pointed at the stupid little suns on the national map. It was all I could do to not stop the show to use the projected screen as a mirror and change like EVERYTHING about myself. My bangs were in this awkward between stage, my face had broken out the day before, my shirt suddenly looked dumpy....it was BAD. Then of course she floats on as weather and anchor next, and I couldn't help but think that even when she messed up it was perfect.

I'm reminded of a story my mom told me when I was a girl. She lived in a tiny village in the mountains of Kentucky and she was the star pianist of the church and school there. One day she met a man and she followed him to a college in Greenville, SC (incidentally the same college where I attend now). She waltzed into the music department expecting to overwhelm it with her talent, only to find that she was insanely out-talented. Personally, I wouldn't have felt jealous because I would DIE if I had to dedicate my life to hours of music!

But it was her THING and it ate her up. No matter how hard she tried, she felt smaller and smaller every day. But later when she returned to her little mountain village with her husband, she realized a very important thing. Those virtuoso's could be as talented as they wanted, but that talent wasn't going to help the village where my mom lived, because they were all somewhere else. The point is that my mom was needed, and she couldn't just give up because she wasn't as talented as someone thousands of miles away. God gave her a unique opportunity and a unique set of talents that were just what she needed. Who knows, if God HAD given her more talents, she may have been summoned to a different place, a different time, a different husband, a different daughter (a real SHAME on that last one). He knew exactly what she needed.

And it's true that God has given me everything I need, too. The girl that's prettier and better and wittier is not omnipresent. God knows I'm going to be in situations that she'll never face someday - and they're going to need me, not her. They're going to need my unique perspective, my sense of humor, my well-roundedness (hopefully referring to my future talents, not shape).

So I can't just give up.

Does it suck that I haven't reached a state of perfection by 22? Heck, yeah. Am I shocked that I'm not perfect by now? YES. But God knows that if I DID have that perfect face, I maybe would be in a whole different place, different time, different future man, different future children. To throw out my imperfections and miss out on His best? Now THAT would be a shame.