I sit on this old blue couch which is a product of someone's castaway and my diligent cleaning. And I am a castaway - my father's castaway. He saw good in me, yes, but he also saw so much bad. So he scrubbed at me, over and over and over. He hammered the same points over and over. He ignored the 99% good that I did and narrowed in on the 1% bad. Every conversation was a test to see whether I measured up to his expectations. He usually had a comment or two that made me hate telling him what I accomplished.
As a 17-year-old girl, I vowed one thing. I will never be like my father. And I prayed regularly growing up, God, please change my father.
While my dad was focusing on my 1% bad, I was focusing on my dad's 1% bad. And I became my father.
How do I become my mother? How do I encourage, nurture, and only offer advice when asked. How do I let go of my criticism and trust people? How do I love unconditionally. How do I stay silent even when I know I am right? How do I stop constantly trying to teach people, and instead just be with people?
Why can't I stop ruining silly, fun moments with my fiancé? Why do I have to push him away the closer he gets to me?
I do want to change some things about him. I want to fix him. I want him to see every minor detail as being important - just like my father hammered into me.
But I love him. I love him like my father loved me. My father spent more time with me, trying to fix me. But he also spent more time with me telling he believed in me - I could be a great writer - I made him proud. Is it possible he made me a better person?
Maybe I need to take a moment to thank my dad for the 99% he did right in his little girl's life. Maybe I need to beg God to change myself just like I used to beg Him to change my dad.
With my dad's attention to detail, I feel empowered at work. But I feel handicapped in relationships. Instead of being my earthly father, I want to be more like my heavenly Father. My heavenly Father has the highest of all expectations, and yet he showers more love and grace on me than I will ever receive in an eternity from anyone else.
God, help me? I am so lost. How do I change everything about myself and yet still respect myself and others who don't measure up to my expectations?
