To someone who is not me, they might wonder how someone can reach the age of 23 and not have lost their virginity. People ask themselves if something is "wrong" with him/her because they haven't lost it yet. Society tells us that it's a shame if you haven't lost it yet, but that you are also a slut if you've given it away carelessly. Rarely do you hear that it is a beautiful thing to lose it to your husband or wife. There is a fascination with selling quick, easy, no-strings-attached sex. And it's nothing new.
I write this post, not as a holier-than-thou Christian virgin. I write it as a girl who struggles just as much as the next person. I write it as a girl who has too easily allowed men to touch her and has definitely had opportunities to lose it and been asked to lose it. I write it as a girl that has deeply believed since she was a teen that she wants to save herself for her husband, and yet she has allowed herself to come as close as you can to losing it.
Christian dating couples struggle just like any other couple. I'll never forget the day my best friend called me up and said she lost her virginity to her boyfriend. She said she didn't see the point in waiting anymore because he loved her and they belonged together. Another friend I grew up with used the same logic. She said they had committed themselves to each other, so in the eyes of God they were practically married. How is making it legal important? These are two Christian girls I grew up with that had encouraged me to wait until marriage. It was so important to them once. And then a man became important to them, a common thing in any age or culture. And he was more important than their belief in what God called good and right.
So I'm faced with this thought. Would God be okay with me losing my virginity as long as I feel committed to someone? As long as I love them and they love me? As long as we talk about getting married someday? I'll still be a Christian even if I do this. God will forgive me if I regret it later. So why wait?
This led me this morning to read Romans 6. It says, "What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it? Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death?....We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin."
This is a great question. How is it that I have been saved from sin and yet I still struggle with my flesh? Sometimes I feel like I'm one part Child of God and one part sex slave. How is this possible?
"Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace."
This verse helps me understand that while I have been forgiven for my sins, I am still human. I still have basic human desires like anyone else. Any one of my desires could be used for evil if I let that desire "reign" over my body. I could abuse my natural desire to eat, to find beauty, to work hard, and to love. I'm not supposed to just hand myself over because the pressure is too great and my reasoning is too powerful. I'm not supposed to let sin have dominion over me. I know what is sin now will be beautiful in marriage. But how can I be strong with him when I am so weak even just thinking about him?
"For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed?"
What fruit did I get? Pretty much just regret and a bad thought life. I think back to the past boyfriends I had before this one. And a couple of them were sure we would be married, so I let them touch me. And another one wanted to just "see where things would go" and I still let him touch me. And when things ended, I big time regretted it. Those guys belong to other women and I have left them with those images and memories. I stole their first kiss and first love from their future marriages.
"For the end of those things is death. But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."
What a stark contrast. If I continue to pursue what feels good in the moment, even when I know it is wrong in God's eyes, there will be consequences. My best friend never did get that proposal...until she was three months pregnant. And then after she bought her wedding dress, she lost the baby. I'm thankful to say they still got married and after a couple years just had their first baby girl. She is adorable! In talking to her, she said to wait. She and her husband will be together forever - she looks back and thinks 'why not wait'. My other friend was not allowed to return to school because she got pregnant over Christmas break and they eloped. She has a wonderful husband and adorable son, but she talks with regret that she was never able to finish her education, she never had the big church wedding, and she was a stay-at-home mom before she was ready.
So we talked about it. And why even talk about sex or flirt with the idea of sex when neither of us truly believes it is right to engage in premarital sex? I think that's the first step. When thoughts arise and the flirtation and physical goes too far, we have to be willing to pray for God's help to think on things that are true, right and pure. Because alone, we are too weak. We need prayer because we need His help.
The next step is probably not allowing ourselves to be in situations where we know we are weakest: alone, in bed, or at night.
And thirdly, if we're really serious about saving ourselves for marriage, then we shouldn't have to fight the battle alone. We need someone to keep us accountable. Somehow, some way. As annoying as it would be to get a call in the middle of a date or to have a chaperone semi-nearby....we can't trust ourselves to always be strong when our connection is so much stronger.
I want to someday be able to walk down the aisle and hold hands with my husband and not cringe when the pastor refers to our purity in holy matrimony. I want to look into his eyes with anticipation, not regret. I want our child to be born in joy and security, not sorrow and remorse. I want to look my teenage daughter in the eyes and say it is worth waiting and that with God's help I did it and so can she. I want to use sex with my husband as an expression of both love and commitment (after marriage), not lust and self-love (before marriage). I think it's okay to be innocent and surprised by everything after marriage. Unlike what popular society says, I don't have to be a knowledgeable expert going into it. Just like some people explore and learn about sex before marriage, we can explore and learn together after marriage with no guilt.
Yes, I love him. Yes, we want to be together. Yes, we already feel committed together. Yes, we are both physically and emotionally ready for sex. Yes, the only thing between us and marriage is simple, agonizing time. A year, to be exact. But God was still very clear, no matter what our circumstances or exceptions. We as a culture have changed, but God hasn't changed.....
God said...
Hebrews 13:4 ESV
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.
Ephesians 5:1-33 ESV
Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God. ...
Friday, July 26, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Returning to a simple time
So often I seek to jump ahead. I don't want to age beyond my current 23 years. But I want to jump ahead just a few weeks to when I can see him again. I want to jump ahead to when we can be married, to when I'm not a virgin anymore, to when we've settled down in jobs, and to when we have our own place to call home.
But that would mean that I am skipping this moment. And as I sat on my porch at my brother's and my quaint little rental A-frame house, I realized that some day I may want to return to this simple place. I may long for the summer where I have three weeks to lie around the house. I may fondly remember having late-night decaf coffee and watching Netflix until 3 a.m. when my heavy eyelids would let me watch no more. I may envy my carefree hours where my sisters and mother called just to chat for hours. I've finished my internship and my job is part-time every other weekend. I have no husband or children, no duty to anyone or anything in this moment. I don't have to be anybody or be anywhere. As much as I think I'm biding my time until I get to return home, I'm really on a solo vacation for possibly the last time.
So I sit on the porch, for the first time putting down my wedding planning book and just looking at where I am right now. Two birds fly above me in the afternoon sugar-colored clouds. The ivy-wrapped trees rustle quietly. The afternoon air is warm, bathing my body in relaxation. I lean my head back and sit on a simple white chair in shorts, a big t-shirt, and bare feet. I just went for a run, took a warm shower, and had a healthy veggie-filled meal. Not one sound of traffic can be heard over the distant hum of the air conditioner vent, evidence of the beautiful, crisp chill waiting for me inside my little house.
I thought decaf green tea with a blog-entry sounded nice, and just like that - I'm here. Sipping. Sighing. Typing. Thankful.
Not a care in the world. Thankful to God for all He has given me. And as much as I long for Andrew to be here and me to be his and him to be mine....I recognize that there is no time like the present.
But that would mean that I am skipping this moment. And as I sat on my porch at my brother's and my quaint little rental A-frame house, I realized that some day I may want to return to this simple place. I may long for the summer where I have three weeks to lie around the house. I may fondly remember having late-night decaf coffee and watching Netflix until 3 a.m. when my heavy eyelids would let me watch no more. I may envy my carefree hours where my sisters and mother called just to chat for hours. I've finished my internship and my job is part-time every other weekend. I have no husband or children, no duty to anyone or anything in this moment. I don't have to be anybody or be anywhere. As much as I think I'm biding my time until I get to return home, I'm really on a solo vacation for possibly the last time.
So I sit on the porch, for the first time putting down my wedding planning book and just looking at where I am right now. Two birds fly above me in the afternoon sugar-colored clouds. The ivy-wrapped trees rustle quietly. The afternoon air is warm, bathing my body in relaxation. I lean my head back and sit on a simple white chair in shorts, a big t-shirt, and bare feet. I just went for a run, took a warm shower, and had a healthy veggie-filled meal. Not one sound of traffic can be heard over the distant hum of the air conditioner vent, evidence of the beautiful, crisp chill waiting for me inside my little house.
I thought decaf green tea with a blog-entry sounded nice, and just like that - I'm here. Sipping. Sighing. Typing. Thankful.
Not a care in the world. Thankful to God for all He has given me. And as much as I long for Andrew to be here and me to be his and him to be mine....I recognize that there is no time like the present.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
It's a slow thing
Growth is a slow thing. There's no instant happy pill to a relationship. I was reading today in "The Purpose Driven Life" that our lives are like a battle strategy. When God gets a hold of our life it's as if he establishes a beachfront. Then he slowly starts taking over more territory, one battle at a time. His goal is to make you more like Christ. I can't believe how awesome this vision is. Instead of viewing "battles" and "hard lessons" as a constant barrage of God beating me down, they are really his loving way of teaching me how to let go of bad habits and develop new ones. The book said something crazy great - "Your character is the sum total of your habits."
WOW. I can't just say, "Well, I've always been impatient, controlling, or untrusting, so deal with it." No, I need to learn this same lesson over and over until it is a habit for me to be trusting, and glorifying God in all I do. I can't say I "am" something (like kind or loving) until I do it all the time without thinking. They say it takes 30 days to make a habit. So I'm going to start being patient with Andrew and trusting in God now - even if I'm starting for the fifth time. My goal is not to just win these battles and temptations - it's to grow more like Christ.
WOW. I can't just say, "Well, I've always been impatient, controlling, or untrusting, so deal with it." No, I need to learn this same lesson over and over until it is a habit for me to be trusting, and glorifying God in all I do. I can't say I "am" something (like kind or loving) until I do it all the time without thinking. They say it takes 30 days to make a habit. So I'm going to start being patient with Andrew and trusting in God now - even if I'm starting for the fifth time. My goal is not to just win these battles and temptations - it's to grow more like Christ.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Wanting to be sorry
I want to be sorry.....
Sometimes I hate how high my drive is. Or maybe I just drink too much caffeine.
The fact remains that I love to be busy, get ahead, and stay late. But not everyone does. And that's okay. God allowed me to take a different path than most college-age kids. This doesn't mean my path is better. It just means it was the best path for me.
That being said, I push people. Generally, I just have an idea for improvement and throw it out there. If they want my help, I help. If not, it's o.k. I'm not invested in their lives, so I can walk away. But with Andrew, I am invested in his life. I have a hard time walking away from things I see that I could maybe help. And I'm finding I have to find the balance between pushing him to be his best and pushing him away.
Today I sat through two corporate meetings and as usual felt inspired by the big picture. I heard about med students all day. I got to hear so many things when they were just ideas....before they even happened. It's inspiring. But it's also frustrating. I want so badly to get into the trenches and do things instead of just talking about them. I love hands-on work. I love being given a problem and finding the solution. Today I just felt valued, useful, and sad to be finishing my internship.
I think since I was feeling so inspired/useful/semi-successful, I had higher expectations of my boyfriend's success when I talked to him. I felt like our conversation went mostly like this:
"How's Australia?"
"It's good. I love you."
I love that he loves me. I love him, too! I want to tell him every day and vice versa. But I feel like there's more to his life and I feel so cut off from it right now. Suddenly, my high-energy drive and his night-time falling-asleep chatting collided horribly. I just wanted to hear details of how he's being successful where he is. What challenges did he face and how did he overcome them? What difficult camper did he have and how did he counsel them? What burden does he have and how is he seeking to fulfill it? What relationship in the team has he struggled with and how is he actively seeking to improve it? Does he just run away from problems, dread them and avoid talking about them? Or does he embrace them as a learning experience? All I hear him saying is that he wants to be with me. Which is great, but - again, I feel cut off from his real life....like my relationship growth with him is stunted by sweet nothings and there's no real life to hear him work through. And I feel concerned that he doesn't tackle problems like I do. Is it good, is it bad? I don't know.
Life is filled with problems. I embrace them and love them because it's a challenge and a thrill to solve them. I love talking about what problems I've faced and how I've conquered them beyond people's expectations. But I think he views problems differently. Like he mentions them but never how he's seeking to solve them. Problems are always just something that's getting him down. It's not an opportunity. I don't understand that thought process.
The crazy thing is, I don't care what kind of success he has. He doesn't have to be a doctor or a medic or an anything. I just want to hear him take pride in his work. I want him to tell me specific ways that he's made a difference being there in that day. I want to hear his struggles, yes, but I also want to hear how he is handling those struggles. A couple weeks ago he was bursting with confidence and details on how his week was going, and I loved hearing it. I could tell he felt good about his work. He took pride in and I took pride in him. Does he not tell me details because they're all bad and he feels like he can't do anything about them? I guess that's what I assume. I have a feeling I assume the worst. Poor guy.
Sometimes I wish I could poke around and live inside his mom's head for a day. I don't have the same luxuries she's had. I didn't get to see his work ethic, his GPA, his relationship with employers or his accomplishments growing up. I just have this blind faith that he worked hard in school, can get good references, and that someday he can get a good job. I have no idea what kind of worker he is but the crazy thing is that I blindly love him, no matter what he becomes. I know from what I've seen he takes responsibility and he works hard. It's just that all I see is this narrow fragment of his life. He tells me big picture what he wants to do. But how can he have success in his dreams down the road if he doesn't take pride in his work now? How can I sit by and say nothing?
Success is so important to me. I'm focused, task-driven, and goal-oriented. Is that wrong? I feel like I'm every boss' dream but that those same qualities make for nightmares in a relationship.
Am I crazy? I just love to hear new reasons to be proud of him. I'm always proud of him, though. I'm proud that he graduated. I'm proud to be his. I'm proud of how good he is at expressing his love. I'm proud to be with him. I'm proud that he's in Australia working so hard even though he'd rather be here.
If I were him I would be upset with me. I mean he's working his butt off half-way around the world and I have the nerve to say he doesn't have a high enough drive just because I had a great, highly-motivated day. So I completely get it and I don't blame him.
But at this point I can't sincerely say I'm sorry. But I'm going to sleep on it and pray on it. Because I want to do whatever I have to do to make it right. Even if it means shutting up.
Sometimes I hate how high my drive is. Or maybe I just drink too much caffeine.
The fact remains that I love to be busy, get ahead, and stay late. But not everyone does. And that's okay. God allowed me to take a different path than most college-age kids. This doesn't mean my path is better. It just means it was the best path for me.
That being said, I push people. Generally, I just have an idea for improvement and throw it out there. If they want my help, I help. If not, it's o.k. I'm not invested in their lives, so I can walk away. But with Andrew, I am invested in his life. I have a hard time walking away from things I see that I could maybe help. And I'm finding I have to find the balance between pushing him to be his best and pushing him away.
Today I sat through two corporate meetings and as usual felt inspired by the big picture. I heard about med students all day. I got to hear so many things when they were just ideas....before they even happened. It's inspiring. But it's also frustrating. I want so badly to get into the trenches and do things instead of just talking about them. I love hands-on work. I love being given a problem and finding the solution. Today I just felt valued, useful, and sad to be finishing my internship.
I think since I was feeling so inspired/useful/semi-successful, I had higher expectations of my boyfriend's success when I talked to him. I felt like our conversation went mostly like this:
"How's Australia?"
"It's good. I love you."
I love that he loves me. I love him, too! I want to tell him every day and vice versa. But I feel like there's more to his life and I feel so cut off from it right now. Suddenly, my high-energy drive and his night-time falling-asleep chatting collided horribly. I just wanted to hear details of how he's being successful where he is. What challenges did he face and how did he overcome them? What difficult camper did he have and how did he counsel them? What burden does he have and how is he seeking to fulfill it? What relationship in the team has he struggled with and how is he actively seeking to improve it? Does he just run away from problems, dread them and avoid talking about them? Or does he embrace them as a learning experience? All I hear him saying is that he wants to be with me. Which is great, but - again, I feel cut off from his real life....like my relationship growth with him is stunted by sweet nothings and there's no real life to hear him work through. And I feel concerned that he doesn't tackle problems like I do. Is it good, is it bad? I don't know.
Life is filled with problems. I embrace them and love them because it's a challenge and a thrill to solve them. I love talking about what problems I've faced and how I've conquered them beyond people's expectations. But I think he views problems differently. Like he mentions them but never how he's seeking to solve them. Problems are always just something that's getting him down. It's not an opportunity. I don't understand that thought process.
The crazy thing is, I don't care what kind of success he has. He doesn't have to be a doctor or a medic or an anything. I just want to hear him take pride in his work. I want him to tell me specific ways that he's made a difference being there in that day. I want to hear his struggles, yes, but I also want to hear how he is handling those struggles. A couple weeks ago he was bursting with confidence and details on how his week was going, and I loved hearing it. I could tell he felt good about his work. He took pride in and I took pride in him. Does he not tell me details because they're all bad and he feels like he can't do anything about them? I guess that's what I assume. I have a feeling I assume the worst. Poor guy.
Sometimes I wish I could poke around and live inside his mom's head for a day. I don't have the same luxuries she's had. I didn't get to see his work ethic, his GPA, his relationship with employers or his accomplishments growing up. I just have this blind faith that he worked hard in school, can get good references, and that someday he can get a good job. I have no idea what kind of worker he is but the crazy thing is that I blindly love him, no matter what he becomes. I know from what I've seen he takes responsibility and he works hard. It's just that all I see is this narrow fragment of his life. He tells me big picture what he wants to do. But how can he have success in his dreams down the road if he doesn't take pride in his work now? How can I sit by and say nothing?
Success is so important to me. I'm focused, task-driven, and goal-oriented. Is that wrong? I feel like I'm every boss' dream but that those same qualities make for nightmares in a relationship.
Am I crazy? I just love to hear new reasons to be proud of him. I'm always proud of him, though. I'm proud that he graduated. I'm proud to be his. I'm proud of how good he is at expressing his love. I'm proud to be with him. I'm proud that he's in Australia working so hard even though he'd rather be here.
If I were him I would be upset with me. I mean he's working his butt off half-way around the world and I have the nerve to say he doesn't have a high enough drive just because I had a great, highly-motivated day. So I completely get it and I don't blame him.
But at this point I can't sincerely say I'm sorry. But I'm going to sleep on it and pray on it. Because I want to do whatever I have to do to make it right. Even if it means shutting up.
Friday, July 5, 2013
Once upon a time.....
I feel so undeserving. All around me, people are searching for love. I just finished watching an episode of the Bachelorette in which Des is searching for true love. And then a commercial pops up advertising e-harmony where you might find your match. Sitting on my desk is a book called "La Boda" which means "The Wedding", where a female lawyer tries to find love in Hollywood. And it feels like everywhere I turn, friends and authors seek to find someone who can complete them.
So here goes. I'm going to write a romance novel....inspired by the guy in my life. It is, of course, completely fictional and not based upon real life in the least. :P But I hope it shows just a little bit how happy he makes me and how blessed I am that God would bring him into my life and let him love me.
___________________________________
Alicia lay there in her back yard. How have 23 years flown by so fast and yet so agonizingly slow? The grass tickles her toes and she sighs, realizing it's time to repaint her shrimp-pink toenail polish. But that can come later. For now, it's Saturday and she's laying in the grass, her arms up behind her head, and she's looking up at the sky. Suddenly she's a kid again, picking out a train, a giant with a club, and a celestial city in the clouds. So many memories here in this small, old home. How many times has she fallen onto this grass, angry after a fight, crying out to God in times of doubt, praying late at night and looking up at the stars, petting the dog even though she claimed to always hate it, and sneaking out for late-night walks in the cemetery when she just needed to get away. This house, this street, this grass - it's nothing spectacular. But her feet have traced a pathway through them for the last 23 years. And through all 23 years, she has grown closer to God while feeling that natural urge to search for someone without a face, without a name.....but someone that she can someday look at and call home.
When she was in elementary her dad didn't have much time for her. So she loved to hang out with the high school boys and she had crushes on Leedee and Mark. They would give her suckers and chocolate-covered granola bars and her sisters were always telling her not to sit with the boys. Trouble from the start. :P
When Alicia got into middle-school, her parents will tell you that she hit a rebellious streak. To be honest, she just wanted attention. She was the baby of the family and wasn't expected to do much besides follow in her older siblings' shadows. From observation, she learned that her older sister's got the most attention when they dressed a certain way. It didn't matter if her Dad was working late or working at home; he was always telling them to go upstairs and change. They were always so mad at him, but he spent plenty of time with them convincing them he knew better. Selfishly, she was tired of being over-looked. She gradually felt that if she was truly attractive, her dad would always be telling her to go change her outfit. If he didn't ask her to change, it must mean she looked butt ugly. So she began borrowing her sister's clothing and began hanging out with a girl named Nikki who was always getting sent to the principal's office. Nikki was pretty and she swore and had slits in her skirts and had a single mom. She was cool.
High school was rough, as you can imagine. Alicia was searching for love and attention in all the wrong places. In 7th grade she had a huge crush on an older guy named Joe and he didn't give her the time of day. Her family was pretty poor, her dad was a teacher at her school and always seemed to be around, and she always wore the same long black velvet skirt because her dad didn't like any of her other outfits. Any time she was home, she was working or practicing hours on instruments every day. She hated it. She was miserable. The only time she enjoyed was when she could hang out with her friend Nikki at church and try to feel normal. "Normal" was still pretty messed up in the seventh grade. Two hormonal girls just discovering their sexuality and wanting attention - not a good combination. In this school, everything was in the extreme. You were either a chaste virgin who dressed as conservatively as possible, or you pushed the line on everything and you were willing to go all the way. Alicia was pretty naïve. She didn't know what she wanted, but she was willing to give whatever she needed in order to distance herself from her parents and feel normal and accepted. She was looking for love in all the wrong places. Nikki told her that she should give up on Joe and that he was a jerk. She said Alicia should instead hook up with Patrick, because he had paid her $100 to get Alicia to go on a date with him. Looking back, she realizes that the guys she flirted with had completely wrong intentions and it's probably good she went to a freaking conservative school. Somehow she ended up getting pulled into a dark room with a guy named William --another one of Nikki's ideas. Alicia didn't even like him; she just liked the attention. She liked being with someone who wanted her. Anyways, he didn't even kiss her; he pulled her into that room three times to just hold her and feel her up a little. But once word got out, she got suspended and literally grounded for a year. This certainly wasn't the love she had been seeking.
Grounding must have done Alicia some good because she finally got her attention back on God. She ended up becoming best friends with Kim and Megan who, while immature, had hearts that just wanted to have fun and grow closer to God. Kim stayed with her through the years, the churches, the schools, and the boys. She was always the one to talk to Alicia about everything for hours and every conversation led back to growing more like Christ. Because of Kim, Alicia began to see that her heavenly Father was not the same as her earthly Father. Her heavenly Father always loved so much every day. A relationship with God was unlike any other. Her high school years were mostly spent realizing that God was the most important love-relationship she would ever have.
She first realized that boys noticed her when she traveled to Colorado with her youth group. They were assisting with a VBS and Michael, the cutest boy in the church starting following her around. Alicia was so rattled she couldn't even finish conversations with him. She would just walk away mid-conversation.
Then camp happened...This particular Christian camp was just a cess-pool of hormones. Tim happened. What an idiot. They emailed for a few months and she wasn't serious about him. His grammar was awful. After a receiving a few poorly re-written Romeo letters, she moved on. The misguided search continued.
And then age 16 rolled around. And with that, her body started changing. She was a bridesmaid in two weddings and suddenly her brother's friends were seeing her differently. Needless to say it was all very immature, but Alicia was convinced that at age 16 she had met the love of her life. They snuck around school sneaking touches and holding hands. But when she looked at him, she could never ever imagine wanting to marry him. She wouldn't let him kiss her. And when he looked at her and asked her to wait for him in college, she couldn't do it. The chemistry was real, but the person and the time was all wrong. She wasn't into the whole commitment thing.
Alicia headed into the workforce at age 17, confident that she knew where her life was going. She worked and finished her senior year, once again hanging out with older guys but finally realizing some discernment. She was still pretty naïve, though, and while she thought she was just being friendly she was sending all the wrong signals. During this year, she got asked out a lot, aggressively, by a lot of older men. Thankfully, it would have been illegal to say yes. Somehow, one guy stuck. He was 26, the security guard, and married. She still doesn't know why, but she went down a really dangerous and stupid road with him. Looking back she realizes he could have gotten in trouble for the things he said to her. Even though she didn't respond, he continued to call her, text her, email her, bother her into her freshman year of college until Alicia finally went to one of her friends Liz with the problem. Liz answered the phone for Alicia and told him to stop bothering her and to go be with his wife. He finally got the picture and left her alone.
As a freshman in college Alicia was confident she would meet the love of her life the minute she stepped foot on campus. In fact, as she unpacked her things in her room, she had no doubt she would be dating within a couple weeks. But God totally didn't see things that way. She doesn't know exactly what happened. Call it hormones, call it trying a new "Asian" medicine that her Korean boss gave her, call it stress, but over that first semester her face broke out to the point that she didn't even recognize herself in the mirror anymore. It completely shattered her. She didn't feel like a person of worth anymore. She certainly didn't feel desirable and beautiful. She felt like something from yesterday. Someone who, at age 18, needed to say goodbye to outward beauty. It was a truly hard time. She was away from her family and didn't know what to do. The only person to turn to was God. She couldn't imagine anyone ever again looking at her and saying that she was beautiful. But she decided that she was going to focus on internal beauty. She was going to still smile and she was going to try to grow closer to God, more than anything. At the end of the day, love from a lot of men didn't matter. It had to be all about the love of Christ.
Then at age 19, Frank came into her life. He was 6'3" and the life of the party. Funny guy and a truly good guy. She never even saw him "like that" until one of her brother's friends declare they had chemistry after hearing them argue. She wishes she had never heard that comment, because she truly never found chemistry with the guy. And after a year, him saying he wanted to marry her, and a love-less first-kiss on Lake Michigan, she did the hardest thing she's ever done. She broke up with her best friend. That sucked.
She went out with a lot of guys. Honestly, she can't even remember all of their names. A lot of them she doesn't want to remember. Time after time after time. Excitement over a new guy, several dates, and then his flaws come out. And Kim, bless her heart, got excited with her for each and every guy. She listened. And when they broke up, she comforted her and never said that she told her so. She was a true friend.
Alicia sat out of school and continued this vicious cycle of meeting a guy, saying yes, and breaking up with him within a couple weeks. She found a time period where she wasn't working or going to church with any guys her age other than her brothers dumb friend. Out of boredom, she joined dating websites. And with that, she only cemented her constant search for love in all the wrong places. She felt that she need to always be meeting someone or she might miss God's will. There was Adam, and Nate, Jared and Adam, and so many other guys it's too hard and too embarrassing to remember.
But with about 99% of all these relationships, Alicia would end it before it got too serious and before it got physical. So while she did date a lot of guys, not very many of them got very far with her. She certainly never let anyone to second or third base. She didn't make out with any of them. She barely went on a fourth date with any of them.
I say all of this to say that she didn't even know what she was looking for. She didn't know what her type was. She didn't know whether he needed to be rich or funny or tall or short. Alicia just knew that she wanted to meet the God-honoring guy who would make her fall in love with him and would make her stick around for the long haul. ;)
And then she met a guy named Andrew. He infuriates her, excites her, makes her laugh, makes her cry, and makes her keep coming back for more. The first time she saw him differently, she was sitting across from him at an Olive Garden table. They both casually said they weren't seriously dating anyone, they were just "seeing where things led". So super casual - so cool of them. They were so noncommittal and not tied down. Suddenly they're making out on the couch, in the back of his truck, on her bed, in the department store dressing room, everywhere they can. And then he stops touching her and says, "I want more than this." And Alicia's like, "What the heck? What more could you want?" Turns out he wants a freaking relationship.
Time after time, their relationship should have been doomed. And somehow God gives them grace to forgive each other. Honestly, their relationship should have stayed shallow and selfish. But God gave them the chance to look beyond the physical and see deeply into each other. She grew to love the person that he is--the good AND the bad. So often, they could have dated other people. But God closed those doors and opened this strange and unpredictable one.
She looks at him and loves and hates and likes and wants him all at once. He looks back at her and adores and desires and loves and teases her all at once. Somehow, love is no longer about a search for the right person. It's not a search for a better person. It's a journey to dying to self and a beautiful discovery of who he is. It's an inability to control the other person and a resigning to loving them even with their flaws glaring right out in the open. It's praying together and being vulnerable together. It's finally looking into someone's eyes and still being herself but finally finding someone who helps her be ready for commitment. It's skin on skin, passion that is reigned in only because of respect and a desire to honor God in the bounds of marriage. It's him saying he wants to do the right thing by her and her giving herself to him 100%.
It's rare. It's pure. It's scary. It's beautiful.
She lays there in the grass. 23 years old. So flawed. So imperfect. So undeserving. So in love with God and so afraid to say she has finally stopped searching. So hopeful that this is forever. So sure that if God would allow it and the man she loves would want it, she would spend the rest of her life making him fall in love with her every day.
So here goes. I'm going to write a romance novel....inspired by the guy in my life. It is, of course, completely fictional and not based upon real life in the least. :P But I hope it shows just a little bit how happy he makes me and how blessed I am that God would bring him into my life and let him love me.
___________________________________
Alicia lay there in her back yard. How have 23 years flown by so fast and yet so agonizingly slow? The grass tickles her toes and she sighs, realizing it's time to repaint her shrimp-pink toenail polish. But that can come later. For now, it's Saturday and she's laying in the grass, her arms up behind her head, and she's looking up at the sky. Suddenly she's a kid again, picking out a train, a giant with a club, and a celestial city in the clouds. So many memories here in this small, old home. How many times has she fallen onto this grass, angry after a fight, crying out to God in times of doubt, praying late at night and looking up at the stars, petting the dog even though she claimed to always hate it, and sneaking out for late-night walks in the cemetery when she just needed to get away. This house, this street, this grass - it's nothing spectacular. But her feet have traced a pathway through them for the last 23 years. And through all 23 years, she has grown closer to God while feeling that natural urge to search for someone without a face, without a name.....but someone that she can someday look at and call home.
When she was in elementary her dad didn't have much time for her. So she loved to hang out with the high school boys and she had crushes on Leedee and Mark. They would give her suckers and chocolate-covered granola bars and her sisters were always telling her not to sit with the boys. Trouble from the start. :P
When Alicia got into middle-school, her parents will tell you that she hit a rebellious streak. To be honest, she just wanted attention. She was the baby of the family and wasn't expected to do much besides follow in her older siblings' shadows. From observation, she learned that her older sister's got the most attention when they dressed a certain way. It didn't matter if her Dad was working late or working at home; he was always telling them to go upstairs and change. They were always so mad at him, but he spent plenty of time with them convincing them he knew better. Selfishly, she was tired of being over-looked. She gradually felt that if she was truly attractive, her dad would always be telling her to go change her outfit. If he didn't ask her to change, it must mean she looked butt ugly. So she began borrowing her sister's clothing and began hanging out with a girl named Nikki who was always getting sent to the principal's office. Nikki was pretty and she swore and had slits in her skirts and had a single mom. She was cool.
High school was rough, as you can imagine. Alicia was searching for love and attention in all the wrong places. In 7th grade she had a huge crush on an older guy named Joe and he didn't give her the time of day. Her family was pretty poor, her dad was a teacher at her school and always seemed to be around, and she always wore the same long black velvet skirt because her dad didn't like any of her other outfits. Any time she was home, she was working or practicing hours on instruments every day. She hated it. She was miserable. The only time she enjoyed was when she could hang out with her friend Nikki at church and try to feel normal. "Normal" was still pretty messed up in the seventh grade. Two hormonal girls just discovering their sexuality and wanting attention - not a good combination. In this school, everything was in the extreme. You were either a chaste virgin who dressed as conservatively as possible, or you pushed the line on everything and you were willing to go all the way. Alicia was pretty naïve. She didn't know what she wanted, but she was willing to give whatever she needed in order to distance herself from her parents and feel normal and accepted. She was looking for love in all the wrong places. Nikki told her that she should give up on Joe and that he was a jerk. She said Alicia should instead hook up with Patrick, because he had paid her $100 to get Alicia to go on a date with him. Looking back, she realizes that the guys she flirted with had completely wrong intentions and it's probably good she went to a freaking conservative school. Somehow she ended up getting pulled into a dark room with a guy named William --another one of Nikki's ideas. Alicia didn't even like him; she just liked the attention. She liked being with someone who wanted her. Anyways, he didn't even kiss her; he pulled her into that room three times to just hold her and feel her up a little. But once word got out, she got suspended and literally grounded for a year. This certainly wasn't the love she had been seeking.
Grounding must have done Alicia some good because she finally got her attention back on God. She ended up becoming best friends with Kim and Megan who, while immature, had hearts that just wanted to have fun and grow closer to God. Kim stayed with her through the years, the churches, the schools, and the boys. She was always the one to talk to Alicia about everything for hours and every conversation led back to growing more like Christ. Because of Kim, Alicia began to see that her heavenly Father was not the same as her earthly Father. Her heavenly Father always loved so much every day. A relationship with God was unlike any other. Her high school years were mostly spent realizing that God was the most important love-relationship she would ever have.
She first realized that boys noticed her when she traveled to Colorado with her youth group. They were assisting with a VBS and Michael, the cutest boy in the church starting following her around. Alicia was so rattled she couldn't even finish conversations with him. She would just walk away mid-conversation.
Then camp happened...This particular Christian camp was just a cess-pool of hormones. Tim happened. What an idiot. They emailed for a few months and she wasn't serious about him. His grammar was awful. After a receiving a few poorly re-written Romeo letters, she moved on. The misguided search continued.
And then age 16 rolled around. And with that, her body started changing. She was a bridesmaid in two weddings and suddenly her brother's friends were seeing her differently. Needless to say it was all very immature, but Alicia was convinced that at age 16 she had met the love of her life. They snuck around school sneaking touches and holding hands. But when she looked at him, she could never ever imagine wanting to marry him. She wouldn't let him kiss her. And when he looked at her and asked her to wait for him in college, she couldn't do it. The chemistry was real, but the person and the time was all wrong. She wasn't into the whole commitment thing.
Alicia headed into the workforce at age 17, confident that she knew where her life was going. She worked and finished her senior year, once again hanging out with older guys but finally realizing some discernment. She was still pretty naïve, though, and while she thought she was just being friendly she was sending all the wrong signals. During this year, she got asked out a lot, aggressively, by a lot of older men. Thankfully, it would have been illegal to say yes. Somehow, one guy stuck. He was 26, the security guard, and married. She still doesn't know why, but she went down a really dangerous and stupid road with him. Looking back she realizes he could have gotten in trouble for the things he said to her. Even though she didn't respond, he continued to call her, text her, email her, bother her into her freshman year of college until Alicia finally went to one of her friends Liz with the problem. Liz answered the phone for Alicia and told him to stop bothering her and to go be with his wife. He finally got the picture and left her alone.
As a freshman in college Alicia was confident she would meet the love of her life the minute she stepped foot on campus. In fact, as she unpacked her things in her room, she had no doubt she would be dating within a couple weeks. But God totally didn't see things that way. She doesn't know exactly what happened. Call it hormones, call it trying a new "Asian" medicine that her Korean boss gave her, call it stress, but over that first semester her face broke out to the point that she didn't even recognize herself in the mirror anymore. It completely shattered her. She didn't feel like a person of worth anymore. She certainly didn't feel desirable and beautiful. She felt like something from yesterday. Someone who, at age 18, needed to say goodbye to outward beauty. It was a truly hard time. She was away from her family and didn't know what to do. The only person to turn to was God. She couldn't imagine anyone ever again looking at her and saying that she was beautiful. But she decided that she was going to focus on internal beauty. She was going to still smile and she was going to try to grow closer to God, more than anything. At the end of the day, love from a lot of men didn't matter. It had to be all about the love of Christ.
Then at age 19, Frank came into her life. He was 6'3" and the life of the party. Funny guy and a truly good guy. She never even saw him "like that" until one of her brother's friends declare they had chemistry after hearing them argue. She wishes she had never heard that comment, because she truly never found chemistry with the guy. And after a year, him saying he wanted to marry her, and a love-less first-kiss on Lake Michigan, she did the hardest thing she's ever done. She broke up with her best friend. That sucked.
She went out with a lot of guys. Honestly, she can't even remember all of their names. A lot of them she doesn't want to remember. Time after time after time. Excitement over a new guy, several dates, and then his flaws come out. And Kim, bless her heart, got excited with her for each and every guy. She listened. And when they broke up, she comforted her and never said that she told her so. She was a true friend.
Alicia sat out of school and continued this vicious cycle of meeting a guy, saying yes, and breaking up with him within a couple weeks. She found a time period where she wasn't working or going to church with any guys her age other than her brothers dumb friend. Out of boredom, she joined dating websites. And with that, she only cemented her constant search for love in all the wrong places. She felt that she need to always be meeting someone or she might miss God's will. There was Adam, and Nate, Jared and Adam, and so many other guys it's too hard and too embarrassing to remember.
But with about 99% of all these relationships, Alicia would end it before it got too serious and before it got physical. So while she did date a lot of guys, not very many of them got very far with her. She certainly never let anyone to second or third base. She didn't make out with any of them. She barely went on a fourth date with any of them.
I say all of this to say that she didn't even know what she was looking for. She didn't know what her type was. She didn't know whether he needed to be rich or funny or tall or short. Alicia just knew that she wanted to meet the God-honoring guy who would make her fall in love with him and would make her stick around for the long haul. ;)
And then she met a guy named Andrew. He infuriates her, excites her, makes her laugh, makes her cry, and makes her keep coming back for more. The first time she saw him differently, she was sitting across from him at an Olive Garden table. They both casually said they weren't seriously dating anyone, they were just "seeing where things led". So super casual - so cool of them. They were so noncommittal and not tied down. Suddenly they're making out on the couch, in the back of his truck, on her bed, in the department store dressing room, everywhere they can. And then he stops touching her and says, "I want more than this." And Alicia's like, "What the heck? What more could you want?" Turns out he wants a freaking relationship.
Time after time, their relationship should have been doomed. And somehow God gives them grace to forgive each other. Honestly, their relationship should have stayed shallow and selfish. But God gave them the chance to look beyond the physical and see deeply into each other. She grew to love the person that he is--the good AND the bad. So often, they could have dated other people. But God closed those doors and opened this strange and unpredictable one.
She looks at him and loves and hates and likes and wants him all at once. He looks back at her and adores and desires and loves and teases her all at once. Somehow, love is no longer about a search for the right person. It's not a search for a better person. It's a journey to dying to self and a beautiful discovery of who he is. It's an inability to control the other person and a resigning to loving them even with their flaws glaring right out in the open. It's praying together and being vulnerable together. It's finally looking into someone's eyes and still being herself but finally finding someone who helps her be ready for commitment. It's skin on skin, passion that is reigned in only because of respect and a desire to honor God in the bounds of marriage. It's him saying he wants to do the right thing by her and her giving herself to him 100%.
It's rare. It's pure. It's scary. It's beautiful.
She lays there in the grass. 23 years old. So flawed. So imperfect. So undeserving. So in love with God and so afraid to say she has finally stopped searching. So hopeful that this is forever. So sure that if God would allow it and the man she loves would want it, she would spend the rest of her life making him fall in love with her every day.
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