Tonight I had a thought that left me with a sickish feeling in my stomach. Ever have one of those? It nags and nags on you until you can finally think about something else. The thought I had tonight is - what if a lot of my cherished moments with my boyfriend are actually stolen moments from my future husband? I don't mean that Andrew and I aren't meant to be together. But I do mean, what if I am stealing future delight from Andrew by letting him do things now that generally only happen in marriage? Or, God forbid, what if my future husband is not Andrew, and I have to explain to some guy someday that our moments in marriage aren't as precious because I've already experienced them with someone else.
Somehow separation has dulled my sense of wanting to wait. Reuniting and reconnecting was so sweet. Expressing love physically seemed so natural, especially after being unable to for so long. Don't get me wrong; I'm still a virgin. But I'm not doing the best job at staying one. Since dating, it's almost like I need to remind myself EVERY day to love and protect Andrew's heart/mind and if I miss one day of reading 1 Corinthians 13, - BAM - I'm down on my butt, failing at selfless love.
I just want to be that good example for someone. I want to hold my head up during the day because of who I am at night when no one is looking. Alone, I can't do this. But with God, I know it has to be possible.
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