It's 1:58 in the afternoon and I'm lying in bed. I look to my right and there tucked under the blankets beside me is a box of kleenex. Unlike what you're thinking, I didn't have a devastating Skype session last night and I'm not in a relationship with my kleenex - I'm just miserably sick. One of those nasty head colds that hits you unexpectedly right on your first day back at school. The good news? I finish class three days a week by 11:30. So, I consider it a great luxury that I'm curled under the warm covers right now.
So, Catfish. It's a movie (now also a show) that my brother introduced me to last night. Basically the idea is that many people carry on full year-long relationships online with people that are nothing like what they claim to be. Everytime you're going to hang out, these people come up with convenient reasons not to, and everytime you want to Skype they can't figure out the technology or they don't want to. Their profile pictures are stolen from other people's sites and they fudge personal details.
The thing is, Adam looks so average so there's no reason he would be pretending to be someone else! I didn't like him for his looks or his six pack (which he incidentally does have). I like him because of his personality, his sense of humor, and because of his faith in God.
But, like I predicted, that Skype session almost didn't happen last night. And it was purely because Adam didn't feel like it. When he said he was too tired, my first thought was that I was probably in a Catfish relationship. I imagined that this guy has been pretending to be this military guy and all along he's really just a bum who rebounds on me every now and then. I also felt a little hurt that he repeatedly has strung me along for almost a year, giving me high hopes one week when he thinks he may not be deployed and dashing them the next week because he thinks he's being deployed again. I have felt like a relationship of convenience...and not even a relationship, because he continually expresses interest in me or attraction to the way I look but never DTR's. I don't know if this is just the military talking, or if he genuinely could care less if we were to date someday.
And yet he ended up skyping with me anyway last night, and he was just like I thought he would be. He was funny and he teased me a lot. He was normal. I liked him. But, thankfully, I was guarded this time. I've learned that he makes all sorts of promises he can't keep. He even admitted that he "goes with the flow". So I can't help but interpreting that his interest in me waxes and wanes depending on his own circumstances. I'm sorry, but that is so selfish of him, right? My circumstances change and I meet other guys but I'm still interested in him because of our connection - not because of circumstances being convenient.
We were texting today and I finally just asked him if he wants me to drop it. I asked point blank if he wants me to go ahead and say yes to other guys. He basically said he doesn't know because a relationship is never a for sure thing and he would hate for me to put my life on hold until he gets back from his tour for something that wasn't for sure.
I told him that if we met I could know more if I wanted to wait for him. If we could just meet, I feel like I would know if this text/facebook/call/skype connection is the real deal. I said that if I knew it was something worth waiting for I would wait. But I can't....I can NOT be expected to wait for him when I don't even know for sure what kind of chemistry we're dealing with. That's so unfair.
Anyways, he drags his feet on meeting me. He says it's because of the military, but I think he genuinely doesn't want to come see me if he knows he's going to spend the next few months abroad on tour. I know he wanted to see me before he knew he was deploying, and even last night he was his old self flirting and Skyping with me because there was a chance he might have to sit out this tour for medical reasons. But today the doctor confirmed that he was fine to go on tour. And he's back to his clipped texts and his "who know's" and his "go with the frickin flow" attitude.
I'm really trying to keep my cool and not blow it because I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. But it's annoying that I like him but I don't know really know who this guy is. It's annoying that he so glibly comes in and out of my life for the last year when it was convenient for him. And when he does back in my life he comes back full-force in pursuing me, talking for hours and begging me to hang out with him and give him that first date.
Adam, I can deal with. The military, I can deal with. But not this "call me maybe" crap.
The fact is that even though I wanted to, I didn't pray for him to be told by the doctor today that his medical condition was too serious for him to be deployed. I prayed for God's will with his medical condition. I told God, "If he gets cleared today to be deployed, then help me to accept your will. Help me to take that as a sign that this is not supposed to happen."
So what am I doing here. Why entertain a future for a second longer? As crazy as I am about him, I'd be crazy to keep hanging on for my will against God's will. I'd also be crazy to hang on to a guy that doesn't think I'm worth meeting or waiting for. I think it's definitely past time for me to let go.
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