Security

Ever feel stunningly ignorant?

I go from absorbing complex information about electronic medical records and physician referrals and customizing TDAW forms.

And then a director hands me an envelope and says to me, "Forward this to that family." I sit there baffled. And finally, I Google, How to forward letters.

Ever stop asking questions because you don't want to sound stupid? Ever Google for the same reasons? Yup.

That's been me for the last week and a half. Between starting an internship at a huge hospital system and then taking a break to work a different shift at my job, I feel like I don't know anything at all. This is a good place to be in - it means I'm learning new things. But in the meantime, I'm pulled in so many directions and I just want to be good at something. I love being the indispensable one. I want to be the one people call with questions. I love going that extra mile. But I've literally been stopped and scolded for doing extra. I keep stepping on people's toes and not doing it "like they've always done it" because I couldn't possibly know how they've always done it.

I just try to find the most efficient way of figuring out problems. Sometimes I fix it and I'm so pleased. Other times, I just make things. worse. But how was I to know? I don't want to be helpless and not at least try. Mostly, I'm just frustrated with myself right now that I can't be exactly what everyone wants. I'm a people pleaser and when I don't get it right the first time, I'm frustrated with myself. I guess this is my perfectionistic streak. No one is unhappy with me. I'm just unhappy with myself.

Anyways, that's been my frustration lately. I'm mentally exhausted from all these new things and, frankly, I'm already checked out of this week and wishing it was the weekend. I slept 12 hours last night and gave my brother the privilege of dog-sitting duties, if that tells you anything.

So it's very temporary, but I just feel off my game. I don't feel like I'm good at anything. And all I can think of is Andrew. How he would hug me and suddenly none of this would matter. When I'm with him it truly doesn't matter whether I'm successful. I could come home at the end of the day and just be with him. That makes everything better. I feel so accepted by him. I feel like I could lose every guarantee of job security, my church could be in transition, and I could be facing the insecurity of a new phase of life - but as long as he's there, that's all the security I need. It's going to be okay.

So I know reality will rudely drag me from any false sense of calm. But for now, I'm daydreaming that he's not in Australia. Instead I'm lying down and he has his arms around me from behind and I'm falling asleep with his breath on my hair, knowing I am safe with him.