God's grace.
Each year for the past few years I've asked God to teach me a different characteristic. The past few years God has faithfully laid on my heart a different characteristic of God to claim as my own instead of a New Years resolution. In the past I chose patience and God gave me the best year sitting out of school even though I was anxious to be getting on with my life. One year I chose Trust and God helped me trust Him through great grief and loss. Last year I chose selfless love and God helped me look beyond loving myself to meet and get engaged to Andrew. This year I've claimed "God's grace."
When I chose God's grace, I knew I would probably need it to transition to married life. I also knew I would need it for the times when my fiancé just drives me crazy! I wanted to rely on HIM, not me. Because I can't love and forgive Andrew enough in my own power. What I did not picture was that God would overwhelm me with HIS grace. Here I thought I would be the extremely capable, confident one and that I would need God's grace to be kind to Andrew's flaws. Instead, God has shown me how kind He and Andrew are to my flaws. He's revealed how selfish I am - how conceited and self reliant I am. He has brought me low and He has lifted me up. He allowed me to face incredible failure and defeat at work - a job that was supposed to be a huge break right out of college. Real life.
And when I came home broken from real life - a shell of what I would have accepted into my home - He allowed Andrew to wrap me up in his arms. He sacrificed. Stayed late. Listened.
And now - after much crying out to God - I find myself doing better most days at work. When I have a low at work it's easy to come home and stay low - causing my apartment to look like a mess and making me utterly dependent on Andrew. When I have a high at work I usually stay on that mental high when I come home - meaning I stay in my mental pantsuit and I analyze Andrew's workflow like my boss would scrutinize mine.
I came to this blog tonight to share how frustrated I am because I feel like I have to be the leader when I am strong. I think Andrew just senses when I am in "go" mode and he sits back and lets me do the talking. It frustrates me because we are making these huge decisions and he is SO likely to go with the easiest choice. He feels he is being "optimistic" by picking the first choice and not saying anything negative or being skeptical/asking questions. I feel like it's foolish not to. Why? Better to ask questions and do a couple weeks more of hard work than to have buyers remorse the minute you decide. Better to be cautious. Better to be "pessimistic" now and not later. He tends to jump into things optimistically- and then I have to hear him complain pessimistically later about how much the outcome hurt him. I just want to say - I feel bad for you, but you did it to yourself! And yet he does these things over and over - he seems to need to learn from his own mistakes, but then he doesn't learn that he's making the same fundamental mistake in every decision he makes. Here's his fundamental mistake in decision making: He repeatedly makes quick, easy, rash decisions - and complains and seems helpless when he gets sloppy, hard, unexpected results. He is gullible and swallows any sales pitch he hears. It's like he needs to keep doing this over and over. If he buys a bad product, he says oh well it was the PRODUCT'S fault - a poor product. No, the problem is with the person who chose to buy it. Examples? Oh sure, I can think of a few.
-I say "Babe, do you think we shouldn't buy the car if it has a dead battery?" He says, "Andrea, your dad doesn't know EVERYTHING. I have never heard of a case where a dead battery could indicate an alternator or more serious issue. We need a car now and I don't think we're going to find a better car." Yeah, he agreed with me eventually and he's thankful now - but it just made me doubt his discretion and ability to lead in tough decisions. It put SO much pressure on me to lead in that huge decision.
-We've just been shown an apartment and the lady says, "Now. I'm ready for your questions about the apartment." Andrew says, "I don't have any." HOW DO YOU NOT HAVE ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PLACE YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE IN FOR THE NEXT YEAR PLUS. Try at least looking up articles on apartment questions like I did! Does he not realize that this puts the burden SQUARELY on me? He eventually came up with some questions after I asked the key ones. I think he knows deep down that I don't want to settle for less than the best, so he just sits back and makes me lead. I try to pause. I try to look to him to let him lead. But he just is blank-faced/blank-minded. He was literally only concerned about the shower. I know he was kind of teasing, but it just made him look dumb. I tried to cover for him and make it clear that he was joking. But he kind of was and kind of wasn't.
-He says, "Babe, I think we NEED these $6-700 pots!" He convinces me to buy these pots we can't afford after I expressly told him I needed him to be strong for me and not let me buy pots when we went to an engagement "cooking show".
-He says, "Babe, why are you only buying the $10 xbox live access. Just go ahead about buy the year-long $60 subscription. It's only $60." No. It's not just $60. It's $60 I don't need to spend. And the $10 purchase didn't even get me the access I needed - money wasted! I didn't know if I would WANT/USE the $60 so I was cautious about it.
I say all that to say that I am FRUSTRATED with him. I needed space from him tonight. I had little to no patience with him when we discussed the apartment afterwards because I could tell he was sold on the place before we had even discussed it - typical of him to jump into something without even coming prepared with questions or sufficient research.
I'm just tired....so tired of holding him back and so tired from leading him. I not only need God's grace - I need to somehow show Andrew the grace God allowed him to show me when I had shortcomings. I was pretty low and Andrew supported me. He led me. Maybe I need to be helpless again. What he needs to know is that I DO need him. The only reason why I seem so "capable" and in charge and self-sufficient is because I don't think HE'S going to step up and do it for me. And the only reason why I'm a pessimist with purchases and big decisions is because I'd rather make a WISE purchase/decision.
I know my place is not to lead. So everything's all out of whack. Because I lead, he follows. And because he follows, I find myself frustrated and writing this blog. He thinks he has to follow me to make me happy. He thinks I think I'm always right. The fact is - I KNOW I'm not always right. I DON'T want to lead. But I need him to put the effort in to telling me WHY I'm not right. I need him to step up and lead, even if I seem capable. And I need to be more graceful to him. I need to remember exactly how I felt when I was giving 110% at work and it just wasn't enough. It SUCKS. My heart goes out to him. But I don't know what to do. I truly don't want to believe it is "his permanent personality". Cuz if it is - I don't know if I can live with that. Unless of course I have God's grace.....
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