"How to be a bad customer" for DUMMIES

I just ran across the greatest blog-article that I think you guys should read. It's purely satire, but it made me laugh. http://aplacecalledblog.blogspot.com/2007/07/you-should-be-more-enthusiastic-about.html

So, I decided to write a piece that deals with my end of things. While I myself have often been the customer who has been disgusted by the customer-service I recieved, I have also been on the other side of the counter. (In fact, I am 4 or 5 days out of the week). And there is nothing more tragic than being treated like dirt merely because every customer expects you to deliver bad service. There is the classic 'bad service' and the classic 'bad customer'. As you won't have to deal with being in the bad service end of things, I've decided to help you out. I'm going to turn all of you into worst possible bad customers! How fun is that?? ;)

In order to be a bad customer, you must realize that your place in this world is a very important one. Without you, phrases like "the customer is always right" and "get off the phone and order" would never have come about.

Your position in the fast-food industry is a serious one, because you are responsible for taking all of the problems you are having in your personal life out on the person(s) behind the counter. Remember, they are there to serve you, so have no qualms about being as unpleasant as possible.

Since you are obviously reading this because you want to learn how to be a bad customer, let's first run over a few rules. (These kinds of articles always require rules) I'll recount some personal experiences I've had with bad customers so you can know better how to be one.
We'll call you the 'bad customer' (BC) and me the 'bad service' (BS).

1) Keep your cell-phone glued to your ear at all times. When the BS asks you what you would like to order, talk animatedly into your cell and then mumble your order incoherently. Above all annoying things you could do, this annoys the BS the most. Good job!

2) Expect the worst from the BS. This gives you plenty of license to sneer superiorly at them if they have to ask for your order twice.

3) Try going into restaurants and confusing the BS as much as possible with your order. Tell them you would like mustard, and then when they put it on, order them to take it off. Guarantee they will either look annoyed or helpless, and then you can run home and write about the stupidities of the young in the food industry in your blog.

4) Make sure you let them know you're mad if they can't wipe all the mustard off fast enough.

5) If possible, bring along a purse or other voice-muffling paraphanalia and talk into it when ordering. Here it is also crucial that you get angry when they ask you to repeat their order.

6) Speak a different language.

7) Let the BS's know that if it weren't for the counter, you would be right up in their face.

8) Always demand. Never ask. Treat them as inhumanely as possible, because this is what they secretly expect.

9) Enter the establishment 2 minutes before closing time and sit down for a long luxurious meal.

10) Make small-talk as awkward as possible. This is a fun one. If someone actually makes the effort to talk and be friendly with you, stare at them until they feel so uncomfortable that they shutup.

11) Another option is to just laugh at them until they look insecure.

12) Oo- another good one is to give them clipped answers that keeps them going just enough that they eventually just drift off because the air is stiff with awkwardness and absolute lackage of things to say.

13) Better yet - ignore them. When they say "Hi, how are you?" just turn away.

14) Pretend to be deaf.

15) Be really friendly and laugh encouragingly at their jokes and then just before you leave give them the finger.

16) Insult them and then smile.

17) Take a friend along with you and discuss what you didn't like about the BS as you're leaving with your food.

18) Never look a BS in the eye when you're talking to them. It's best to look directly above their head at the menu when ordering.

19) Never, NEVER say thank you. Gratitude is the most shocking habit a BC could pick up on.

20) No matter what, never expect to find a friend when you're going into a food establishment. ALWAYS expect the BS to be a lousy teen who is working 3 jobs and has absolutely no self-esteem. Treat them with zero respect, because after all, you are the successful BC and they are only the next generation.

There. I think that's satisfactory.