My Sophomore year I was Miss Popularity. So it stands to reason that I would be off-the-charts-popular my Junior year, right? Wrong! Sitting out for two years means all of your friends graduate and that leaves you sucking up to...the then Freshmen. Eeew. Anyways, everyone seems SO young to me now. Like I fit in just fine - people accept me. My hair is long now so I think it makes me look younger...and hopefully sexier haha. But I don't even feel like TRYING to climb this social ladder because that's like climbing over kids who just conquered potty training. On the upside, I enjoyed myself a lot more tonight at the games (my first game in 3 years) because I cared a little less who was there. As long as I had one friend (and I did) - then I was going to BE with that one friend and not be constantly concerned with my rise in popularity. Regardless of age, I do LOVE being around people and I'm just like the next person - I like it when people want to be around me. So my goal for next semester is just to get more involved and be more proactive on campus. I guess while I don't vye for popularity, a part of me still wants to get to know a lot of people.
Anyways, it's interesting how two years later I'm still dealing with the consequences of my dating life as a Sophomore. It's insane how many guys I've run into that I dated when I was here before. Tonight I unfortunately came face-to-face with the James era. I say unfortunately because I remember James being kind of a stalker-type who smothered me my Sophomore year. But when I saw him today he actually looked really hot, which was unnerving. I made the mistake of smiling at him really big last night when I was on a date with a different guy because I recognized him but couldn't remember where I knew him from. He smiled back like he was surprised and then I was like 'o crap' because I remembered him trying to woo me underneath the fireworks and how even Dan (my official stalker) thought he was too much. That was tough getting away from him then because he was SO insistent on dating me. And then tonight I went to the games and got there early to save a seat for my friend. I passed him and didn't acknowledge him and got a seat farther away than I wanted to, just to avoid him. Sure enough, 2 minutes after I found my seat he came over and sat by me and rehashed the last two years. He looked like he was getting pretty comfortable so I got up and claimed I was going to go get some coffee. Coffee's a good excuse - any time, any where. He goes, "Oh, I see, I'm boring you." I was like, "No, no absolutely not." And then I like RAN to the coffee tent. Unfortunately, they didn't have debit-card machines so I ducked around the side of the building like a dork to count out change because I literally knew he was watching me to see if I was just avoiding him. I ended up getting cold tea which I didn't even want because it was so so cold outside. Sure enough as I walked by the bleachers he tried to start up another conversation about why I had gotten tea and not coffee. So awkward. Anyways, James was a mistake. A now much cuter mistake, but still, a mistake. Honestly, I went out with three different guys named James and they were ALL pity dates. Sad, sad.
So, consequences. They'll happen. But I kind of want to make NEW mistakes this year, you know? Like I've had several guys reconnect with me that asked me out/went out with me my Sophomore year. But I've only had two totally new guys ask me out this year and bless their hearts they were both "absolutely not" moments. So yeah, and I've decided that Adam doesn't count as a mistake this year because I never even met him. And Jared doesn't count either because I met him on the internet. So, really, I haven't made very many NEW mistakes this year. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I should be avoiding pity dates.
And yet I KNOW this is horrible, but a small eensy beensy part of me enjoys pity dates because I always feel so much better about myself after some guy literally trips over himself to buy me dinner. I'm an awful, awful person. I shouldn't enjoy that. I would definitely say I have enjoyed pity dates far more than I've actually enjoyed REAL dates because on the pity dates I wasn't concerned with what he thought of me - I already knew he liked me and that I was out of his league. I could be myself and totally could make him feel great about himself. But when I'm sitting across from a guy I genuinely like, I freeze. I'm nervous about whether he likes me or not, or whether I'm good enough for him. It's crazy to think that maybe pity dates have conditioned me to send positive signals to guys I DON'T like and send negative signals to guys I DO like.
I'm pretty sure I'm right about that because there are two guys I've noticed on campus that I think are kind of cute and that I would probably say yes to if they asked me out. One of them I argue with all the time in my economics class - what is wrong with me? And the other one that seemed to kind of like me I've started to ignore because I don't know what to say around him.
Hopeless. Maybe instead of being concerned about receiving attention from others I should just bury my nose in my school books and let God worry about who's going to connect with me this year. Do I really trust him in every area? Maybe I need to give this completely to Him and just be open to accept any opportunities that He brings my way.
So there you have it. I'm an open book. Open to anything! Because I know God can protect me from more than pity dates...he can also protect me from my own poor judgment!
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