On Break

Sometimes you need a break. In my case, I need a break from hearing the following things for the last eight months.

"I wonder if she's going to let me hug her." Why do you care? It doesn't mean my sister likes you any less if she shakes your hand. Why does that matter to you?

"I'm sure she wouldn't even give me her number." Why do you care? I gave you my number.

"What's wrong? I just like a lot of pictures of other girls on Facebook and Instagram. Is that a problem?" Yes. It's a problem. It makes me feel like crap.

"Maybe I could go with you to meet the girl you're giving your book to." Do you not realize how weird that is for me?

"I friended your friend on Facebook that I met by walking behind you while you were Skyping her." Thank goodness she wasn't wierded out by that. I would have been!

"You don't mind if I bring along this old friend of mine who Matt likes but really likes me, do you?" You know why they like you more than Matt? Because you act so stupid around Matt they can't possibly take you seriously. Matt's too serious. They're not interested in either of you, but it's easier to hang out with you because they know it's going nowhere. It's not because you're a better guy than Matt or better looking.

"Hey, come meet these two high school girls who are coming to campus to check out the school. I knew one of their sisters. We're hanging out all afternoon, wanna join? It was weird, they asked me if you were okay with it. You don't mind, do you?" I don't want to mind. I don't even want to know. But when a girl asks you if your girlfriend is okay with something, guess what she's really trying to say? She's saying, "Hey, you're dating. Shouldn't you not want to hang out with other girls? Wouldn't this make your girlfriend feel bad? I'm a normal girl who doesn't want  to feel like she's intruding on a guy's relationship and you are crossing a normal relationship line."

"I text girls regularly to see how they're doing and to keep up our friendship. I can't help it that I'm their shoulder to cry on. It doesn't mean anything. But for you....I'll stop." Don't do it for me. How about doing it for yourself - because you want to be in a relationship with one woman.

"I hear what you're saying, but my mom talked with her platonic guy-friends for hours on the phone even after she was married. It would be no big deal for me to do that, too." No big deal for who? Because I love how you're already okay with having hours in the day to talk to your girlfriends after you marry me. It's not like I'm not a big talker. Really gets me excited about committing forever to you. 
I need a break from not being enough.

I need a break from letting a man make me feel insecure and making me feel like I'm an overly jealous girlfriend for having a problem with him talking like he just wants other women to like him/befriend him/want him all the time. It's not my job to make him feel less insecure about how women view him. In the meantime, he makes me feel insecure - am I not enough woman?

I need a break from loving the responsible, caring guy off-campus who turns into an excited freshman who is just the funny guy on campus who wants everyone's attention. It's like being in a relationship with someone who is bi-polar. It's time to grow up everywhere - not just when you're out of your comfort zone and meeting my family. It's time to leave that school you've clung to for years behind, spread your wings, and get a new, responsible identity. Be a man.

I need a break from cringing every time I introduce him to another girl, because I realize he would probably want to get to know her or wish she would be willing to get to know him. I should fully expect him to friend her and message her after meeting her once. The worst part is? If she's a normal girl, she is wierded out by guys like this or she thinks he's coming on to her and she feels bad for me.

It's like I've just tried to ignore these things. Over. and Over. and Over. It's actually something I picked up on when he first asked me to date him and it's why I said no to dating him. And suddenly it's a pattern that I can't look beyond because he hasn't changed. He's tried to limit what he does with girls. But he still wants other women. And it's pretty obvious to me now.

Okay. Single guy? This pattern is okay. Dating-almost-engaged guy? This pattern is so not okay. It's like he wants me on his arm and he wants a whole bunch of other girls on his arm, too. I want a break from it.

Weirdly enough, I didn't miss him today. Good thing? Bad thing? More permanent thing? I don't know.