Alyssa watches him lead the way into the school building and she loves him. She wishes she was holding his hand as they walk through those old familiar school halls. They walk together, on the verge of marriage, on the verge of forever. She feels safe there. And then he asks her, "So, that girl you met selling your book - did she look nice?"
Huh? You're dating me. Why would you care how a random girl looks?
He back tracks a little. "I mean, does she look like a nice person? After all, I noticed her name on my class roster and I'm going to be in lab with her. Who knows, I could be lab partners with her."
Again, huh? Why have you already memorized her name from a class roster and you are looking forward to meeting her? Why have you already thought through the scenario that you could be lab partners and you want her to be friendly?
Alyssa struggles with her boyfriend sometimes. She can't control her boyfriend - doesn't want to. She loves who he is - all on his own. He's agreed not to have close girlfriends in addition to her, since it bothers her. And she so appreciated that he was willing to do that. But - she can't make him want to be a one-woman kind of guy. Sure, he wants Alyssa. He wants her in pictures with him. He wants sex. He wants to have her. But he also pays really close attention to other women. He makes a point to not only catch their name, but to try to get their phone number, to follow up with texting, and to hope they will be his friend. With Alyssa's girlfriends he has Facebooked them just to get to know them, with good intentions. It's a habit he picked up when he was single for 22 years. And somehow he still doesn't get it.
Girls don't have platonic life-long guy friends. Every guy Alyssa tried to be "friends" with throughout the years has over-exaggerated her fondness for him as attraction. Each guy always thought that she liked hanging out with him because he was attractive. But in fact, she just liked the attention. It was all about her, not about him being a great friend. She only kept guy friends around so that she could feel better about the fact that she wasn't dating. She wanted male attention - wanted to feel wanted. She used these "platonic" guy friends to make herself feel better about being single. She only made guy friends to see where it went - maybe they would date down the road, or maybe she would date his friends. For Alyssa, guy friends always equaled a desire to date.
And then she started dating Mark (who was initially a "platonic" guy friend). And she no longer had a need for guy friends to keep "potential future relationships" around. The only guy friends she has now are ones she has a purpose for talking to. She isn't rude - she has fun with them in groups. But she doesn't single them out. She doesn't try to hang on to those guys who naturally fall out of her life. She doesn't text them regularly. In fact she never texts them - she only responds to texts. She doesn't seek them out. Her relationships with guys have a purpose.
But Alyssa's boyfriend thinks that he can have platonic girl friends. He wants them to like him. He wants to get to know them. He says he's just being nice. But what is the purpose behind trying to get to know someone of the opposite sex? Either you're sharing the gospel or you're looking to fill an intimacy or an ego boost that you're not getting at home.
So this makes Alyssa take a step back and think. Maybe she hasn't done enough to make him feel good about himself. Maybe she hasn't physically given enough of herself to keep him from needing other women's approval.
And she feels bad. He puts so much time and energy into her. He often says he loves her with all his heart. He wants to marry her.
But why does he want girl friends?? Wake up!! They don't view you as a platonic guy friend! They view you as someone who is sexually interested in them! They view you as someone who makes them feel better and more attractive! Call me crazy, but this is how girl's think.
And while he is sincerely believing he means nothing wrong or sexual by forming these bonds, he doesn't get how women think.
And they look at Alyssa and they pity her. Doesn't she know that he's into so many other girls? Doesn't she know how he is with women? How he seeks after them and wants their approval and pays special attention to them and is their shoulder if they ever need it and has texted them about nothing?
Guess old habits die hard. And as Alyssa sits there, pondering whether she wants a future of feeling like the nagging, jealous wife, she wonders if those habits will ever die.
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